Friend Crisis - Feel crappy - advice needed

[dixia]

Warning - bit of a saga...

I live in southern europe in a small village. My partner and I run our UK company out of our home here. There is one other English couple who live in the village, who we have known for years - long before they moved here.

They are having some tricky times financially and we gave her a part time cash-in-hand job in our office. The problem is that she is really lazy. She doesn't have any idea about how to work really, she can't use a computer and is soooo slow doing everything. If it was anyone else I would have got rid of her ages ago.

Anyway it all blew up last friday. I confronted her about what work she had achieved and what she had been doing. (We employ her to work the phones - making calls to try to get clients signed up for free services - she had made no calls in the first 2.5 hours of work.)

I tried really hard to remain utterly professional and I've been over and over it, and I still think I really managed to do that. I didn't raise my voice and I tried to explain exactly what the problem was while trying to find a solution with her. But she lost it. Anyway it ended up with her clearing stuff from her desk and storming out swearing.

I haven't spoken to her since. I must confess that I am avoiding her because I really don't know what to say. We are so very different that there have been problems in the past, but nothing quite like this. There are so many things that I would have liked to say to her, but I didn't.

Now I have a problem, as I don't know what to do. I can't avoid her forever. Our children go to the school in the village and I usually see her there twice a day. We are neighbours , so are bound to bump into each other anyway.

I actually want to retain the friendship, but I don't believe I have done anything wrong and I really don't have anything to apologise for. In fact - as she comes to work late, always with a spliff in hand, does very little work and then shouts and swears at me when I have given her a job (for the last year) I think it is her who should apologise to me!

What should I do?

Making "no calls in the first 2.5 hours of work" - wow that's a bit harsh, it takes a bit of time to build up to sales calls and ease into a brand new job - if you were ped off after 2 hours what chance did the poor Woman have?

These kinds of arrangements never, ever work. It doesn't sound like you feel bad about any of it, although I would feel rotten.

Can you clarify......

She's been working for you for a year and on Friday when she had made no phone calls in the first 2.5 hours you used that as an example of her poor performance?

you sound really harsh

and you give her a job to help her , as a favour, despite thinking she is lazy and knowing she is not computer literate
and then wonder why she is not straight out of the starting blocks??

sales is a really hard job, esepcially if you are not used to it

how long did you give her to settle in? at least a month i hope

however, turning up late with a spliff in her hand is hardly showing a good work ethic, but based on what you said, about her laziness and lack of computer skills, you were at fault for expecting more

you both should apologise and start afresh imo
sounds like you feel she should grovel as you have been lady bountiful giving her a job

It was my husband not me who gave her the job. I told him that if he wanted to employ her then he had to deal with her, but he has ducked out of this and now says he is not getting involved.

She works for 5 hours two days a week. She has been working for us for nearly a year.

The only part of her job is to make calls. She is not selling as these services are free - she is just trying to get email addresses to pass information on.

She didn't make any calls at all for 2.5 hours last friday - half of her working day. I still don't understand what she was doing.

Actually I am quite shocked that you all think I am being harsh. I think I have been really fair for ages and ages and ages and put up with really slow work and given much more leeway for her than I would have done with anyone else.

Oh and by the way, I do feel bad. I feel awful. I don't think I've done anything wrong, but that doesn't make me feel any better really. I have been walking around in a depressed haze since friday.

I really don't know what to do now. I am hiding in my house because she is pissed off with me. I think I should hold my head up high but I am trying to avoid any further confrontations.

I didn't fire her - I was trying to sort it out. She walked out swearing and said she wasn't coming back. I don't really understand why you think I am harsh?

i don't think you're being harsh. if she's paid to make calls, she should make them! half a working day not doing that is not on.

i think you should carry on business as normal, be nice. but i wouldn't extend any further offers of work. things will be uncomfortable for a while, but she needs to see that it's not on.

Hi dixia, how you doing? Haven't bumped into you since we were both going through hyperemesis. Great days...

Anyway, from your OP and the above clarifying post, I don't think you're being harsh. Turning up for a job with a spliff in your hand and not bothering to work (as far as you can tell) for half the time she's paid is pretty disrespctful to you imo.

Has she been going through a tough time? Her behaviour sounds like teenage attention-seeking to me. Very odd in a grown woman.

If you really want to make up with her (and it sounds like it would be awkward not to), why not pop a card through her door saying how much you value her friendship, and can you put this behind you.

If a friendship is important enough, the rights and the wrongs aren't that important imo.

I don't think you sound harsh at all. If you are paying someone to do a job and they don't do what they are meant to do, of course you are should discuss it with them and raise your concerns. Anything else is completely bonkers.

Turning up to work smoking a spliff is pretty bloody awful too IMO.

I guess at some point one of you is going to have to say something to clear the air, because otherwise it's going to be horribly awkward. Don't stay inside though. Often the anticipation of horrible confrontation is much worse than the reality (and I say this as a complete whimp).

Hi Booboobedoo - OMG i'm so glad I'm not pregnant now! I was really crap at that. How are you doing?

I agree neolara that the anticipation is quite possibly worse than the reality. maybe I will go to the school in the morning.

I'm glad that other people think that the whole working while stoned thing is a bit s**t.

I was beginning to worry that I had unreasonably high standards! I do, by the way, have other workers who I don't have any problem with at all! Thank goodness.

I don't think you're being harsh at all Dixia. Running your own business is very stressful. I don't want to judge as i don't know either parties, but it looks like she's been harsh on you by not respecting your business or friendship in the way she has been. I hope you resolve it. ps. The husband would be in the dog house if it were me too! The great big shirker!

Doing fine, thanks!

In fact, I'm takking a pregnancy test in the morning.

Anyway, that's talk for another thread.

Good luck with this - let us know how it resolves.

Don't think you were harsh at all, she is only working 10 hours per week, and for a quarter of that she did nothing?
It's your business you can't afford to carry such a dead weight, friend or no friend. You'll end up with money worries if everyone involved in your business was as lazy.

crushwitheyeliner, if you read the OP again, you will see the woman has been working for the OP FOR NEARLY A YEAR, i think she meant the first 2.5 hours ON THAT DAY.

OP, you have been overly reasonable because she is your "friend" but she seems to me to be a shite friend, taking advantage of your friendship to do sod all.

I'd find some other friends! Or is that an issue because of language problems and she is your only english speaking chum in area?

I would write her a letter telling her how much you value her friendship and terminating her employment because you feel thats the only way to remain friends.

She sounds rubbish so does your DH for hiring her and then ducking out of managing her performance.

Yes, she is my only english speaking friend in the area. She lives only a few doors away. Rookiemater, I think you may be right. A letter is possibly the only way to go. I am getting totally panicked by the thought of seeing her and need to do something. I was kind of waiting for her to make the first move and find me, but the problem is that I really think that she doesn't think that she has done anything wrong.

One of the things about being stoned all the time is that you don't realise that you are working on a different timescale from everyone else. So I think that in her head she thinks she has been working. But watching her work is like watching a slow motion replay. Always late and often at least an hour into the day when she picks up the phone. Last friday was just really the last straw.

(Good luck Booboobedoo!)

Now left a note for her asking to meet up so we can chat and start to repair the damage.

Had a bust-up with dh. Apparently I have "caused him great sadness".

I feel so alone out here. If I can't talk to him I have nobody else left to talk to. At the moment I just wish I was close enough to go and spend the afternoon with my sister or my old friends in Birmingham. I've been here for 5 years and have spent the whole time with my head down working hard to grow the business. I have so few friends here it is scary.

I think hyour dh should be supporting you. "caused him great sadness" - wtf???

Are there any English-speaking clubs near you? Anywhere you could meet some new people?

Sounds like you need to take more time out and make some more friends!

Hope it all sorts itself out soon.

You're very brave. DH suggested moving to Exeter, and the thought of the distance from my friends and family gave me the heebeegeebees.

Ok, an update for anyone who is interested.

I sent her a note, which said that I am keen to have a chat and that her friendship is important to me. She then spoke to my dh and arranged to come over last night to "talk to both of us". This turned out to be her talking "at" both of us.

She started by saying that our relationship is important to her, but from what followed I just don't believe her.

She came along with a diagram (quite literally) and her own agenda. She came into our house and refused to let us respond to any of her points or make any comments at all. She brought up a load of stuff, which we were supposed to just sit there and listen to. It was as if she was the queen or something and nobody is allowed to answer back to us. Then when she had said all she came to say, she said she would "leave it with us". When we tried to respond she started shouting and left, slamming the door.

I think there are often things that you would like to say to other people, but you hold back, don't you, for one reason or another. I mean, really, I have SO many things I could say to her face, but never had and hope I never would, because what good would it do? Other than giving me satisfaction for about 5 minutes.

She did so much damage last night. Now dh says he doesn't want to speak to her or her partner and that she is a lunatic. I really think that this is totally the end of the friendship. In my eyes, she has chosen to cross a line, which there is no going back from.

This is the couple that we have helped out financially loads of times when they have been struggling or needed something they couldn't afford. We have loaned them money and we even bought flights so that they could come to our wedding in the UK because they couldn't afford it but really wanted to come. By the way, the day after our wedding was the naming ceremony of our youngest child, this 'friend' was supposed to be leading the naming ceremony. But she couldn't get her arse out of bed the morning after the wedding. I drove down to where she was staying to pick her up (on my first morning as a married woman remember) but she just told me she couldn't come and that I would have to do it without her. She was supposed to welcome everyone and say something about our son etc.

We have also tried to give her husband any odd job work we can, as he has no work. But clearly that was all a mistake and we should never have done any of it.

I think it is really sad but I am now resigned to the fact that I have lost someone who I once considered a friend.

I will have to see her at the school every day, but I think the relationship was fragile anyway and couldn't survive that much damage.

DH and I have had a long talk about it all - he has got over his earlier unsupportiveness by the way! We have decided that we need to be proactive about finding new friends. So that is my new focus.

We may think about spending more time back in the UK too. That is the trouble. We have loads of lovely lovely friends there, just not here.

she sounds very selfish and really unappreciative of things you have done to help her. You will have to move on from this friendship and on day she will realise what she has lost.

one day

Hi dixia,
You come across really well in your posts here, and I think you were totally in the right, but I have to say...
Stoned all the time?
Cool.
Let you down so badly over the naming ceremony...
WHY were you friends?

Hi escape, DH has been friends with her for years and as I said, she is the only english female company in the village. So we were kind of just getting on with it really.

She has let me down really badly several times, but I valued having a neighbour who I can talk to and I am a generally forgiving person, so have always kind of swallowed my feelings and not said anything to antagonise.

But yes, I think I am done with her now and maybe she will realise that it is her behaviour that is a problem, not always blaming everyone else.

Ah well. I am in a 'Life Goes On' frame of mind and I know that my marriage is strong and we have two lovely boys and that is all I really need. I am fortunate that I am very content and really comfortable with my own company. I don't get lonely easily, so I'll be just fine.