Anyone who works in mental health rehab - OTs etc, please help

[Flightattendant25]

Hello,

sorry if this sounds silly. But I'm starting to feel rather threatened by a chap next door to us.

As you might know it's a rehab home and there are quite a few residents - none of them tend to make eye contact let along speak to us.
But there's one chap who is the same age as me, who is persistent in - what feels like - watching us.

He's obviously very lonely, likes a chat etc - but appears to have few social boundaries and is increasingly worrying me.

I'm not sure what I think he might do - probably nothing, but having no idea of his history or problems I am getting a bit nervous.

He's always putting his head over the wall and asking my son questions, nothing as far as I have heard, too worrying - but he does it whether I am there or not, and at times it is incredibly intrusive - for instance last summer (I posted about it and got a bit flamed) he was leaning over whenever my children called me and asking me if they were alright - which they were, I was just inside the door.

Fair enough...no harm done. But there are times when it is horrid (I am quite shy anyway) - like when ds2 did hurt himself, and I was sat out there cuddling him, and both boys were naked as they had been playing a silly game. He could obviously tell I was there, hear me etc yet still stuck his head over the wall to ask what we were doing.

I ignored him and ds1 was about to go and talk to him but I gestured to come back to me. I felt very vulnerable - I don't care about the whole naked-children-weirdy thing here, just that it was a private moment and he was interfering in a less than constructive way.

I had had a few conversations with him previous to this, I've never been rude to him - just tried to avoid bumping into him as I am anxious myself and find it hard work.

The other day ds1 was out, bloke started talking to him again - I hovered, as I am wary of him (basically because he seems never to take the hint, and as I said I've no idea whether he is a risk or not) and he was trying to peer at me through the windows - then ds saw me, and said (to my embarrassment) 'Mummy doesn't always like me talking to you' to which bloke replied 'i'm alright though...aren't I? i'm alright' and then he wandered off.

Well, no, he's obviously not alright - and although I felt really bad at the time, now I am actually rather worried - he keeps being outside when he knows we will be coming back from school. Just now he was on the bench at the end of the road, again watching me with a really quite nasty expression, in the car - and waving, always waving and shouting 'alright'.

He might be perfectly innocent but I am feeling his presence more and more, and this might be more about me than him iyswim - but I don't know what to do about it. I am scared of him turning against me, he's fragile mentally it would seem, and I don;'t want the responsibility of ensuring he isn't hurt by my wanting what I view as reasonable privacy....because I don't understand how to tread this fine line.

Any thoughts much appreciated particularly if you work in this field - I might be concerned about nothing, but I hate to make enemies and just wish he would leave me/my children alone.

Like I said - probably more about me than him, and sorry for any offence caused to people with mentally ill relations etc. my ignorance is my downfall here.

You maybe need to go and speak to the staff, i am assuming it is a group home, if he is making you uncomfortable then you need to do something regardless of his history.

Thanks - but I don't want to come across as paranoid, because to a degree I am sure I am

Just hate the constant attempts to make contact, especially after my son snubbed him like that - I am scared he really hates me now.

I just feel so vulnerable - I live alone with the kids, there's no bloke to put him off or make me feel more secure.

I've tried asking ds to avoid him but he doesn't give up, and that's more worrying than the actual (over)friendliness iyswim.

He has made lots of attempts to touch ds as well - from insisting he come and shake his hand, which ds doesn't like, to putting his arm round him as he was sitting on the wall.

It does make me worried but for no tangible reason.

Thankyou Dittany. Unfortunately the managers are rubbish when it comes to us. They don't give a damn, basically - about their smoking area being next to ds's window, about bloody great tipper trucks being parked across (and ON) our drive for days with no warning

So they would probably ignore me.

Also I am afraid to be direct to him in case he reacts violently or nastily. I could handle that even less.

But I will give it a try ( I mean talking to manager) as I don't have any better ideas!

Well actually I've planted about a thousand big shrubs at the low bit of the wall, and yesterday I put up trellis as well, behind them - hoping in a year or two it'll be a proper hedge and the trellis can fall off like it looks like it might..

He hangs around out the front as well - I see him about 3 times a day now and it's TOO MUCH. But I do feel better having written it all down.

Well there have been further instances, he keeps hanging about where I put the trellis, and trying to shout to us...I've started to feel really harrassed, especially as ds already asked him not to talk to him - so I've rung one of the nurses (manager not there tonight) and he said he understood, and would have a word with the chap.

I asked him not to say I had said anything, as I understand the guy is very vulnerable, and don't want him to think we hate him or something - just that I would appreciate some privacy, and he isn't responding to normal social protocol/ polite hinting.

I hope it all settles down. I hate the look in his eyes when he is staring over the wall, it really upsets me - but then I am the kind of person who gets freaked out easily. Hopefully that'll be an end to it.

If this initial contact with manager (or her deputy) doesn't work, then place in writing concerns to the service manager of the organisation. also cc to the social service s care management team - now these are seperate dependant on diagnosis, so either learning disability or mental health. sorry, from your descriptions LD was my first thought rather than mental health.

sorry, I've not seen any of your other threads so don't know much of the situation. But do you know whether the service is registered as an NHS provision or Social CAre provision? the CSCI website (just type in your postcode) should pull up the info needed to make necessary complaints.

TBH, I think you probably need to escalate your concerns to outside the home, particularly to the care manager for this individual as from what you say it seems the placement is highly inappropriate for him.

Thankyou Twinklytoes...that's helpful. It's mental health - the house takes people who have left the psychiatric hospital but aren't yet ready for proper social resettlement (or whatever the term is) I think.
I don't know anything about him, not a history or a diagnosis or anything else, although I suspect most of the residents have some kind of personality disorder/ schizophrenia type conditions. Also most/all are probably on a high drug regimen which I'm told carries its own risk of odd behaviour.

It's NHS trust, my mother works for the trust in another capacity so is quite useful on the who-to-contact side - i'll ask her.

Would the care manager for the chap be based elsewhere, then? It's very hard to know his motives/intentions - just because I feel threatened doesn't mean he is a threat, iyswim. It may feel like harrassment but is in all likelihood (well, one would hope) innocent and misguided.

However I certainly do not feel qualified to deal with his advances, as I don't understand his care or condition, and therefore I resent being put in a position where I feel I need to respond to him. I do feel that his persistent need for contact with my child is highly inappropriate and my son has been upset several times when I have expressed a wish that he doesn't speak to the man because to all intents and purposes he is a stranger. I can't deal with having to consider not upsetting this man every time I want to use the garden, simply because I don't want him to approach my children.

Thanks again for the help. It has been getting to me a lot today.

Also I cannot be certain that my son won't call out to/initiate conversation with this man, which hardly seems fair...ds is actively sociable even at 5 years old, and is the kind of child who will talk to anyone - he knows no shyness.

I'm afraid they will turn it round and say 'your child is asking the bloke questions, what's he supposed to do?' while I would rather all contact ceased because I feel the man is someone whose behaviour is confusing and inappropriate.

Ds did say 'mummy doesn't like me to talk to you' the other day, but it carries on regardless and it's not ds initiating it 99% of the time.

Maybe a proper, non see through fence would stop ds shouting out...out of sight, out of mind and all that. Or maybe I ought to live and let live but frankly the bloke frightens me - much moreso now I know he isn't backing off iyswim.

I'd recommend you speak to the staff at the care home. How much do you really know bout the type of place it is and what goes on there? I work in a rehab and I know that some of them are very good- they give workshops and training to the residents on things like social boundaries and how to interact appropriately (because some people genuinely don't know the right way to relate to others)

Some rehabs however do not offer any structure or rules. You will be best placed to protect your family if you know what sort of residence this man lives in. It will put your mind at rest.

If you clearly tell the staff of what is happening, and what you would like to happen (eg, the behaviour and intrusion to stop) then the staff have what is called a Duty of Care to the resident and the community to ensure that the correct action is taken. It is perfectly reasonable to state a time deadline as well, eg, "I would like your staff members to tell this man to stop talking to me and my chidren and I would like something done about this within 10 days"

The positive side of stating a time deadline is that you will know when the behaviour should have changed by and if it hasnt happened after the deadline is up then you can move on to a written complaint.

Just don't give up and put up with it- your family are important and you are well within your rights to assert yourself on this matter.

Lx

Oh thanks Loopy - that's made me feel better. I started feeling upset about him last year when we had just moved in, and I did have a word with a nurse there but he was very much about protecting the bloke (because he was 'vulnerable', yes but so are small children!) and I don't think he said anything to the bloke.

I have left it for so long as I felt very snubbed by the nurse last time, but because it's got to a point where I feel our subtlety and pleasant requests are being ignored, I do feel I need to act.

I have seen the bloke today walking past the trellis bit, when my toddler was crying, but I don't think he made any attempt to communicate, which is exactly what I wanted - just an end to the treading on eggshells bit, an end to his constant need for contact with us - which at the end of the day I just am not qualified to deal sensitively and effectively with.

I didn't want to upset him but he was upsetting us.

If things revert to how they were, I shall put it in writing and I'll phrase it as you recommend - thanks again for the help. I had no idea whether I ought just to suck it up iyswim, having chosen to live here.

Btw I'm not entirely sure what sort of care is offered. I know they are taken out to places sometimes, but as for actual education on how to interact with other people, I really don't know and from the comments the first nurse made, almost feel like we are part of the experiment!!

Thanks Dittany...it was such a stressful time when we moved in, and I was very low on self-care and protecting our interestes as a family. I wasn't sure how the ground lay, what was 'normal' from next door, and what I was 'allowed' to ask them for - I suppose I assumed that they would have it all in hand and have protocols regarding the neighbours.

It turns out they are pretty lax and don't really give a stuff - from promising to move their smoking area since last June, and still not having done so, to allowing road works to take place involving hueg cranes blocking (and even parked ON) our drive last month, without any warning - I think we are low on their radar and it's now making me angry.

So I am more able to approach them now feeling it is not just appropriate but necessary.
I'll let you know how things pan out - hopefully they have had a word and he'll leave us alone. If he doesn't, perhaps this isn't the best place for him.

I would write to the unit detailing the issues you have and cc it to the chief exec of the trust, and if you can out the name of the manager of the community mental health team send it to them as well. You could also try contacting the council.

His community team worker/care manager wont be based at the unit would more likely to either be at the hospital or have a seperate office for Community mental health staff.

put up a proper fence, and if he makes contact just ignore him and ring the unit again.

Lots of people are damaged through severe mental illness and they do lose the ability to socially interact normaly, and be aware of normal social ques.

good luck.

Thankyou, I might need to put it in writing as he has been doing it again - I went out into the garden at 5.30 to get the boys in and ds was saying (without my prompting) 'Mummy doesn't want us to talk to you' - he said it twice and bloke didn't seem to take much notice, but eventually went away as he realised he wasn't going to get a conversation.

This time it was up at the end of the garden where their new climbing frame is, there's already a 6 ft wall, honestly what does it take!

So my trellis was a bit pointless it would seem.
I was really fed up after they promised to speak to him yesterday - so I rang again and told someone else about it and she said she would have a word but the manager was back on Tues if it carried on.

I'll see how he is over the weekend and if no improvement I will speak to the manager, then I'll write if nothing is done.

Thanks for all the info, it's very useful x

Oh one more thing. Does anyone think I ought to speak to him directly? I wouldn't know what to say without upsetting him. I told the nurse person that I try to get my children not to talk to strangers, and he is a stranger really as we know nothing about him, i think she understood.

only got back, sorry but more good advice already given.

as its nhs the consultant psychatrist will have alot more clout than a care manager (btw he will be offsite and work for social services). By what you have said and done the nurses aren't supporting you during your informal discussions. Its time to escalate to a formal concern. Now you could do this in two ways - telephone the PALS service of the NHS trust and speak in confidence or write to the consultant psychiatrist and cc to the chief exec. If you write I would use the last paragraph of your post at 1st may 22.08.

if your mum can't locate you the name of the consultant then phone the switchboard or find their website and cite letter to the medical director.

The unit should give you the drs name, i would definately put it in writing, the trouble is when you work with people like that you forget how annoying they can be to other people iykwim!!

If its anything like our trust we have about 7 consultants, you may find one consultant is responsible for the whole unit or it could be done via gp catchment areas...