WWYD - how to deal with a friend who will not reciprocate hospitality

[Kupugani]

About 3 years ago I made friend with a lady in our village who had recently moved in. Her DS was a similar age to my DS and as she was new I invited her over. Since we met I have invited her to mine numerous times, have given her lifts places, have done other favours for her, invited her to parties that we have hosted etc. In the ENTIRE time I've known her I have only ever been in her house once and that was when I dropped something round and basically invited myself in. In the time I've known her I've not had so much as a cup of tea from her.

In the past I have asked why she's not invited people over and she says she's embarrassed about the state of her house. Well, when I saw it (18months ago) it was lovely. OK it might have needed a bit of TLC here and there but I said to her why bother to be friends with people if you think they are going to judge you if the house that you bought isn't decorated to your taste.

TBH I've given her a wide berth over the past six months as I feel rather used but she texted me again today and yet again, in the absence of an invite from her, I've got her coming over with her DS for tea next week.

I spoke to others in the village who have said the same has happened to them and one has said that she's not hosting her again after two occasions last year when she came over at 10.30am and didn't leave until her DS bedtime! So she ended up having to feed them both twice in the same day, and that happened twice!

The thing is, she is quite sweet and also I think she's lonely so I feel a little sorry for her. Also we live in a tiny village so being a bitch isn't really an option.

WWYD?

crumbs what a pita!
I would politely say to her 'Me and ds could really with a change of scenery next half term can we come to yours?'
if she doesn't tkae the hint then i would back off
or just arrange to meet her at a neutral venture, the park, or a cafe in town, don't ever invite her back to yours

I would move away - with friends like you and the rest of your village gossiping about her, who needs enemies??

So what if she doesn't have you in, does it really matter??? I for one, don't keep a score of who comes to my house, and who's house I go to, if I like someone I will invite them around, irresepctive of whether or not I have been to their house or "it is my turn". You don't have to have her to your house and you certainly don't have to have someone stop over the whole day unless you choose to.......

I think you are being a bitch already. Sorry.

Perhaps next time you arrange something you could say something like 'ok shall we meet at yours then as we met at mine last time' in a 'its our turn to come to you' sort of way.

I'd make a stand but do it quietly without making a fuss and let her decide how to respond.
I'd stick with the plans this time and have her over to yours as agreed and if you get along well and you want to see her again then pre-empt her and text her next week and say really casually 'fancy meeting up this week? can we come to you this time?' and if she makes excuses about hers then meet somewhere neutral. Dont give in and invite her to yours.
If she makes excuses and postpones the meet up then wait for her to get in touch again and repeat again. make an excuse as to why you cant meet at yours if you need to (builders in, MIL visiting, mess from decorating, DH working at home etc) and dont give in!
Eventually she will either give in and invite you to hers (and once she's done it once she will hopefully get over her phobia of people visiting!) or if she doesnt give in then either the friendship will peter out or the truth will come out as to why she is behaving like this...

Do you think there could be something else behind it? If she mentioned a mess but actually it was clean and tidy could it be something bigger?
Controlling DP?
Very short of money so cant offer to feed you?
something like that?

I have done the meet somewhere else thing but ended up buying her food and snacks (can't remember the reason why now), which as I was already feeling put upon by her exacerbated my annoyance. Also she manages to wangle an invite with staggering ease (stuff going on at her house, not got any money, needs a change of scenery etc).

Dozymare, moving is not an option. Obviously. Is it such a hideous thing to say to a couple of close friends that I feel taken advantage of? Is that gossip? Not in my book. Why should I host, sub, drive her all the time? I am not a charity. Why does this make me a bitch already?

Kupugani either don't have anything to do with this woman or have it out with her, don't go speaking about her to others in the village as it makes it look like you are bitching, for all you know she might think that she can't compete with what you and other villages have so doesn't even try.

Maybe she has money probs? Doesn't have the stuff in (can't afford it?) to feel she can reciprocate? Maybe her DH is complete bastard and she lacks the confidence?

For what ever reason, she doesn't feel able/want visitors at her house. I can imagine it seems strange and unfair but the simple fact is you have to decide if she is a nice friend who you want to spend time with wherever you meet up or if you don't want the hassle.

FWIW, I think you should just accept her the way she is and enjoy having a friendship based on way she is now and knowing that she won't change.

Does sound a bit like a money problem from the extra info - the one time you met out you ended up paying, she mentions not having any money as a reason and you drive her etc.

Can you think of a way to even things out without her having to shell out money she cant afford?
Ask to meet at hers but after lunch and make it clear you'll have already eaten so wont need feeding?
Offer to take a picnic on a nice day to eat in her garden?
Meet at a childrens centre or Surestart place near you? (the ones near me are all free and you can get tea and biscuits and play with loads of toys, in the garden etc for nothing)

It could be she's taking the piss, or it could be she has some serious shit at home and needs a friend. Is there anyway you bring it up next time?

Heck, I'm not sure how to do this in a sensitive way. "I've noticed you're not keen to have us round. Are things OK at home? You can always talk to me about anything you know...."