Friend's hen night plans are turning into a nightmare for me

[Aniles]

Hi all

My friend is getting married in July and last night her and a group of friends got together to arrange the hen nights. She was initially planning on having 3 separate night outs but that has somehow turned into 5, some of which are weekends away.

Now, I'm a single mum with no family support and only a couple of people I could ask to babysit. The bride-to-be and the other 6 friends who would be going on these nights/weekends are all in their early twenties with no children, so are all getting really excited and coming up with lots of ideas of where to go/what to do, whereas I'm the only stuck-in-the-mud who might not even be able to go on most of the events.

There are 2 people I can ask to have my daughter over night, but this would only be for 1 night each and would obviously depend on when they are available to have her.

So, while everyone has their diaries out saying 'oh we could go away to this place on this weekend' I'm feeling like a right bore, unable to make much contribution.

The biggest problem is that I'm the cheif bridesmaid so it should be me who is making all of these arrangements and I feel like I'm letting my friend down. Her and the others girls really dont understand that having a child makes it difficult and that I can't possibly palm dd off on someone for the 5 weekends leading up to the weeding.

I really don't know what to do. Any advice?

Could you choose places to go that have a babysitting service and take her with you ?
Lots of hotels do that these days - and even if they don't you could maybe use someone like "Sitters" to get a babysitter in your hotel room ?

Message withdrawn

Good grief Aniles - not only are they rich in time but they must have plenty of cash to manage all this. You only mention time away from your daughter as an issue but also can you afford 5 Hen Nights between now and July? Sorry you don't need to answer that if its a bit too personal.

I'm going on a Hen Night (two nights away) this weekend. It is for my sister and I am a bridesmaid otherwise I would have only gone for the second night. I'm also lucky in that DS will be with DH apart from Saturday afternoon when he has arranged for MIL to have DS.

I think Podmog's advice of getting your friend to prioritise the events that are important to her is good. Also has chief bridesmaid maybe you could try and be really helpful/supportive for the actual wedding day.

I also wonder if maybe when the group got together your friend was carried away by it all and maybe let the arrangements get a little out of hand. Its possible that in the cold light of day she might be willing/hoping to tone it down a bit. If she's off doing stuff every weekend before the wedding when is she going to get time to sort out any of the last minute arrangements?

I agree with the sentiments. My first thoughts on reading your note was that she got completely carried away and even realistically I'll be surprised if she has 3. When the cold light of day dawns and she starts adding up the cost of the wedding hens nights tend to condense themselves quite a bit.

I like the idea of asking her to prioritise. Also let her know how you are feeling as to the confusion as to what your role is. She may appreciate you asking her to prioritise and may actually be looking for someone to help her bail out of actually having 5.

Let her know you're happy to be the baddy in all this and tell the girls you won't be having 5. Not a nice job for you but it will certainly make the bride happy and I assume that is one of your roles as Chief Bridesmaid.

Thanks for your replies everyone.

I emailed my friend today and asked her to let me know which night is going to be her big main proper hen night and that I'll make sure I can definitely go to that one.

I suggested that she let me and the other bridesmaids sort out the arrangements as a surprise for her, but it's already been done without my input due to the fact that they've all known each other for years and I met the bride-to-be separately at uni and don't know her other friends very well.

So, at least I know there is going to be a main night out and I can make sure I'm at that one even if I can't make the others.

And yes, Bozza, the money is also a big problem but that's something else my friend doesn't understand since she lived with her parents 'til she moved into her intended's house who earns plenty of money, so she's never been financially independant. What she earns is pretty much spent on clothes and going out, and this has always been the case. And because her other friends are all young free and single they don't have the same money worries that I do.

Oh well, I'll just make sure the main night out is a good one.