Mummy on the edge.................................

[badmummy]

I HAVE CHANGED MY NAME FOR THIS POSTING.

I HAVE A 4 YEAR OLD SON (I DIDN'T PUT DS AS DO NOT FEEL HE IS MY DARLING SON AT THE MOMENT).

IT SEEMS AS IF HE HAS TURNED INTO A LITTLE MONSTER OVERNIGHT.

HE SHOUTS ALL THE TIME AND IF HE DOESN'T GET WHAT HE WANTS HE SCREAMS THE PLACE DOWN, WE ARE TALKING ABOUT SILLY LITTLE THINGS AS WELL, LIKE IF I OPENED A DOOR AND HE WAS BEHIND ME AND HE WANTED TO DO IT, OR I PICK UP A CAN OF BEANS TO OPEN AND HE INSISTS I OPEN ANOTHER CAN INSTEAD.

I ASK HIM TO DO SOMETHING HE SCREAMS "NO" AND WILL THEN RUN ABOUT AND BE ALL DESTRUCTIVE.

I HAVE TRIED REWARDS CHARTS (NO LUCK) AND PRAISING RARE GOOD BEHAVIOUR (AGAIN NO LUCK).

HE IS MAKING MY LIFE A MISERY AND HE IS MAKING ME DEEPLY UNHAPPY.

I HAVE STARTED SHOUTING AT HIM AND SMACKING HIM, AND IF I AM HONEST IT IS OUT OF FRUSTRATION AND NOTHING ELSE. WE HAVE A CHAT ABOUT HOW NAUGHTY HE IS BEING AND HE SAYS "SORRY" AND CUDDLES ME, THEN PINCHES OR HITS ME WHEN HE WALKS AWAY.

I DO NOT THINK I CAN HANDLE MUCH MORE OF HIS BEHAVIOUR. OTHER THAN THIS I AM A HAPPY PERSON SO KNOW ITS NOT DEPRESSION. BEFORE HE TURNED I USED TO BE A KIND MOTHER, NEVER SHOUTED OR ANYTHING, THERE HAS BEEN NO CHANGES IN HIS ROUTINE THAT WOULD EXPLAIN THIS, IT IS GETTING TO THE STAGE WHEN I CAN NOT TAKE HIM ANYWHERE BECAUSE HE SCREAMS IN THE SHOP IF I DO NOT GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTS.

According to Raising Boys by Stephen Biddulph, boys get a shot of testosterone at about 4, turning them into monsters (temporarily I think!) My DS has started throwing tantrums again too having recently turned 4.

No practical advice I'm afraid, but you're not a bad mummy!

There was a different thread which suggested taking them outside and pouring a jug of cold water over them when they were in this sort of state. This tends to calm them down so you can explain/reason with them.

Don't know if it is appropriate in this instance but thought I would let you know it is on the website.

Badmummy, how come all the boy problems on mumsnet seem to happen around 4 years old??!!

My ds is almost 3 and I have not experienced this testosterone surge yet, actually he is currently going through quite an angelic stage (although can be a little devil for his grandparents). Which I think is the answer, badmummy. My parents are much softer with him than I am, and I notice how different his behaviour becomes when he is with them - more demanding and complains more when he doesn't get what he wants. As you say, before this you have been a kind mother and never shouted at him - perhaps this has not been to his advantage or yours, and my feeling is just that a very firm hand needs to be taken with his current behaviour - for your own sanity & peace of mind.

What about sending him to his room (or somewhere boring) for a specified period, and perhaps removing things that he likes, as a form of punishment. Whatever gets through to him. Be really firm in carrying out the discipline, and if he acts up when you are out, let him know that he has just earned himself one of these 'punishments'. Sometimes it is tiring and monotonous to have to keep at them about their behaviour, but ds knows that I am serious now and I'm sure it will pay off for you too.

Best of luck and try to remain 'tough' until you see some improvements. I'm all for telling them you love them and explaining about bad behaviour, but being firm at the same time.

My DS aged 3 seems to be going through a difficult stage too, I like the water idea though.

I find with him he works better when I take things away from him, IE if he messes about in the bath he doesn't get his biscuit that he gets with his bedtime drink, and crips with his lunch etc etc.

At least mine has never been a little angel, so its not just a big difference, I always had a little devil in the making

i also feel like a bad mummy today,this morning i thought ill take ds & dd for something to eat,buy them something and the park so after walking 20 m. into town my ds starts asking for something he couldnt have followed by a huge tamtrum by my dd with the whole world watching me i forced her back into the pushchair and came back home i refused to buy or take them anywhere and theyre both here sulking but im hoping theyve learned their lesson as im so angry that theyve spoiled what could have been a lovely day,im having a zero tolerance week maybe is pmt

Don't know what your views are about smacking, but I am anti-smacking, yet am provoked to nearly doing it by similar behaviour. I then say, "Mummy is so angry, she feels like hitting you now. Hadn't you better go to your room?" Just having time and space to cool down seems to diffuse a lot of this problem for us. Afterwards, I can self-righteously talk to him about why I did not in fact hit him, ie why it is not OK for him to hit me either. I also tell him that I hate nagging and shouting all the time, and discuss how we can both get on better if he tries to behave better. We also talk a lot about how to get what you want in life, ie shouting and breaking things does not work, but being nice to people works. I try hard never to give in, eg once he has gone to nursery without any socks (which were in my handbag!) because of a row about what socks to wear, after which he has never made a big issue about socks. My final resort is to cry, but I have to say that that has not really been the plan, yet it works! I am also a big believer in having a big cuddle after a big row is over, because otherwise it can seem like you are just lurching from one fight to another.

Badmummy have you tried punishing him by taking away things that are precious or cancelling arrangements he is looking forward to. I am not anti smacking although have never had to smack dd yet and also can only remember being smacked a couple of times as a child because my mums punishment tactics always hurt more.
Don't know if this will help but hope it does. Lots of sympathy and hugs to you. I can understand your frustration.

badmummy - i have twins boys who are 4 and I know exactly what you are going through. Not that I can offer you any advice - if I could then I'd know what to do with my two!!!! I love them of course but they are just soooooo naughty. They always have been very boyish boys but theyve definately got worse over last few months.

I have another four year old boy from hell here too! Loads of sympathy for you all, I have read the Steve Biddulph book and although the view isn't popular with everyone I believe in the surge of testosterone, if nothing else it gives you an excuse for the behaviour at the times when you feel like murdering them.

I don't know why nobody warns you about this, there is plenty of talk about the terrible twos and the teenage years, I feel like DS1 has only just come out of the terrible twos, we have had a couple of months of good behaviour and then straight into this! Grrrrrr! Good to know we are not the only ones though.