Treating siblings fairly/equaly

[admylin]

I was just wondering if you all try to treat siblings exactly the same.

I think - especially when they are very close in age that they should be treated the same. My h often hands out money to the dc but he doesn't give them the same - so this morning he gave dd 3 Euro (we're in Germany) and ds got 2 Euro, he doe sthis all the time and sometimes he'll give dd some but none to ds. This really bothers me but maybe it's just me.

I think if one dc is quite a bit older than the other one it's fair enough that they get more pocket money. Dd is 2.5 years older than her brother and gets more money than him.

Your dd is younger though, isn't she? In which case it is very unfair to your ds not to be given the same amount. If I were him I'd be extremely pissed off.

I also don't think it's a good idea to hand out money willy nilly like this. Much better to have a fixed amount of pocket money paid on the same day each week. That is, if you are good at remembering to actually pay up

That was meant to read very not very!

Yes, my 2 are 16 months apart , now 10 and 9 years old. Ds is the oldest and the worrying thing is, it bothers him but he keeps it all inside.

What your husband does sounds very unfair. Do you challenge him? How does he justify it?

in general I try to be fair- and give the kids the same money if we are going out shopping.
my kids are 3.4 and 5.5yrs old.

But other than that- i read abook called sublings without rivalry.
It says that you can diffuse the "it's noe fair" comment re how many peas one has on their late etc by focussing on what that child needs- eg, well you eat what's on your and if you want more , then i'll give you more.... and totally focue on that child
otherwise you'll end up counting out peas onto a plate.

I think they should be treated fairly but not exactly the same. My dd is older, so she gets stuff/privileges/freedoms/money and so on that ds doesn't but I make it clear that when he is her age so will he, and that she didn't when she was his age.

He'll justify it with something even more stupid like dd got better grades or dd brought me a glass of water so she gets more or ds doesn't work hard enough so I don't challenge it anymore.

He was brought up with 10 siblings and as the oldest he was the honoured first born boy and spoilt rotten (Asian family)

For special occasions, like when they're at a fair or something I would give them the same amount of money each.

I feel very sorry for your ds as it sounds as though your h is quite openly favouring your dd.

Does your DS sometimes get money when DD does not?

My two are 2 years apart and I give the same amount of money, the go to bed at the same time, they get the same amount of peas on their plate. It works for us.

That's more or les show I was brought up too mmelindt and we were only 14 months apart in age.

No ds never gets any when dd doesn't.

This is interesting. I really don't think it's fair that an older child should have to go to bed at the same time as a younger sibling, for example. That's an example of equal but not fair.

My kids are 13 and 16 and almost exactly three years apart and since they started school they've been getting weekly pocket money according to what grade (class) they're in. So one is in grade 7 and gets ?3.50 a week and the other is in grade 10 and gets ?5.00. They see this as fair and we haven't had any problems with it. They get the money whatever happens and don't get any extra for good behaviour, good marks etc, except when they get their report cards. If we go somewhere special and they need money, they both get the same amount.

treated equally can be acheived without trerating the same but it is a difficult line to tread and a battle i have regularly with MIL.

for example, if ds needs new school trousers, i will buy him some. i will not buy anything for the dds if they don't need anything. MIL sees this is not treating them equally. i see it as responding to their needs fairly.

if however i was feeling generous (ha!), i would buy all 3 dcs a prezi and not just single one out.

unless it was a separately agreed treat for good work or something...gaaaaah!!!

do you know what i mean?? do you??

i do, honest...

This thread has made me feel really cross on behalf of your DS. I think I can honestly say that I wouldn't allow my DH to set up that sort of divisive rivalry between my children. It's not going to get better as they get older unless you call your DH very firmly on it, and has the potential to make your poor DS very unhappy indeed. If try to make him look at it as a pattern of behaviour instead of a series of discrete incidents, would you have more success in persuading him that his behaviour is totally wrong?

Seeker
If DD wanted to stay up longer, then I would let her. But by bedtime she is exhausted. If we are a bit late in having tea she will put herself to bed. So it is more just going by her own sleep pattern than forcing her to go to bed early.

It does sound like your DH favours DD more than DS. That must upset him.