how to deal with horrible girl at dd's school (long)

[FoJo]

Not even sure this is the right forum but here goes. DD is 12 and we are lucky enough to live in an area where lots of children from same school (spread over 3 year groups) live in 3 connecting streets so there is always someone to play with in hols etc. One girl who lives near is almost perfect at home, hangs around with dd, always in and out of each others houses etc etc, even plays with 8yr old dd when theres no-one else around. However at school its a different matter, she's always been quite bossy and my dd is a bit quiet and 'complacent'. One minute dd is 'allowed' to hang out with the gang at school and then she isnt. There's a space for her at the lunch table and as she heads for it she says, 'actually no, we're saving that seat for so and so', she took her phone and ran around the yard with it, all a bit petty if taken individually but the incidents are mounting up and its really getting dd down. But back at home they're best pals. I know from a friend that another parent has complained to school about simular behaviour to their child, however I know this girls parents and dont want to fall out with them. I think if I did approach them they'd be ok and be horrified at their dd's behaviour but I'm not 100% sure. If we didnt live so close I'd tell dd to steer well clear but this would mean there's no-one to hang round with at home (as I know if there were 'sides' the other girl would manage to get everyone siding with her). I'm tempted to have a word with the girl the next time she's at our house and not get cross, but say something like 'please dont be so horrible to my dd at school, I dont understand why you do it when you;re so nice at home. I like you and dont want to fall out with you but if it continues I'll need to speak to your mum or teacher'. What does everyone think? When dd comes home from school and tells me what's gone on that day I've offered before to have a word with other girl and my dd says yes, but then the other girls (including this one) will come around and call for her and they'll all be pals & my dd will take me to one side and tell me to say nothing as she doesnt want to 'rock the boat' and then its the same again the next day or a few days later.
Sorry for rambling on and thanks for listening

please?

Sounds horrid, girls that age can be so nasty, I can remember it only too well.

My DSs are younger so cannot advise that much, other than I think it is standard advice to go to the teacher and NEVER to the other parent. Also this behaviour is happening within school so I'd say it was very much the right place to address it, they should deal with it. I wouldn't say anything to the girl myself.

(as for me, I decided to drop the 'friendship', and it was such a relief.)

I agree with the others its a school matter and you should speak to your daughter's teacher.

Definitely wouldn't speak to the girl directly - you are only getting one side of the story not that i'm saying your daughter is fibbing. But this would definitely rub most parents up the wrong way and put them on the defensive rather than necessarily trying to sort out the problem.

Would also suggest your daughter perhaps just avoids that girl at school - does she have other friends she can sit with at lunch etc?

And finally - is the other girl older? Just wondered if its because she feels its ok to be friends out of school but not necessarily in school?

Agreed with the others that talking to the other child is a very bad idea - you are taking your own child's side, which is natural, but you need the school or the other mum to work with both girls to reach a solution. I am NOT saying your daughter isn't being treated badly, but if you want it resolved then a level-handed approach is the best way forward, and both girls will have their own opinion on what's happening. It just is not fair for the mother of one child to approach the other child, because you clearly aren't a neutral party.

I think the other mother may be a best starting point if you're friends, hard as it is, simply because going via the school is very formal and may make her feel betrayed/wrongfooted in not being trusted with the situation, especially if you think she is someone who is trustworthy. Alternatively get the teachers to be aware but not to intervene - harsh and awful as it is, kids have to learn to deal with people being bitchy in life, and trying to make friends elsewhere and avoiding the rejections may be a better solution. You can't police how the girls behave at school when it comes to social exclusion, and they have all sorts of ways to make her life miserable without being ones they can get called on, iyswim. Your daughter would maybe be best off just avoiding this girl in school, tbh.

thank you so much everyone, so glad i asked as was prepared to speak to her myself and I can see for all of the reasons you've mentioned that it's a 'no-no'. Had a word with dd this morning and she thinks she may have a word with teacher herself, which suits me as if it was the other way around I'd be hurt if other mum went to school before speaking to me, but i'm not sure if i'm brave enough to speak to her (what a wimp ). Will give it another week to see how things go. thanks again everyone