rage: am I normal?

[yetty]

With two children under 5 I know everyone has bad days but does anyone feel this amount of rage? Somedays (particularly after lack of sleep and when pre-menstrual) I get awful fits of rage so bad that our house is full of dented doors and kicked in cupboard doors. I don't do this in front of the kids. I can hold it in and go into the kitchen and let rip. Have thrown things when feeling raging. Don't even believe in smacking but today have handled the kids so roughly just out of pure frustration. Do other people kick doors so that the panels break?

yetty, I can really relate to what you're saying - have handled the children roughly, have thrown things, have kicked / punched things. I did take evening primrose & starflower oil for a while (on the recommendation of mumsnetters), not completely sure if it made a difference, although I have had worse patches since stopping taking it. So maybe give that a try - not sure of what strength etc, but if you do a search on here for "starflower" I'm sure you'll find the recommendations that I did.
Can't really give any advice, cos I haven't managed to master this myself - as you say it generally happens when tired/pre menstrual. I try not to do it in front of the kids, and I feel foolish when I calm down (and the broken bin lid is a constant reminder ). It does concern me that my eldest dd is of the same temperament, and I try to find ways for her to express her anger in an "acceptable" manner (ie not hitting her little sister), but have trouble with it myself. Luckily for my little sister she lives 200 miles away
So, don't feel you're the only one who goes through this - even if no-one else posts, we know we're not alone!

Yetty - my dp has put his fist and feet through a few of our doors! And I've wanted to do it SOOO many times! I usually just end up throwing objects at nothing in particular. But I have kicked and hit dp a few times, I'm ashamed to admit. That was at the worst points when my PND was really bad.

Having a small child is stressful to the MAX!! But having 2, well that must be a nightmare. Have you thought of taking a herbal/homeopathic remedy around the time of your period? You can get ones that are specifically for dulling down the wrath of our hormones when menstruating!!!

I'll try to find a website with info and attempt a link on my next post!

I am thinking of you I have two small children under five, and its really hard work. Hope things improve for you. Is there anyone who could have the kids for you, so you get abit of you time? Might calm the situation down.

Definately not alone. I have a terrible temper and have handled DS roughly and felt awful the next when when it came up in a bruise, it was only a tiny one, but make me feel ill.

Often thought of getting myself a punch bag to let out the frustration, cheaper than new doors round the house. Don't personally kick them, might slam a few, my friends house has doors upstairs with punch holes and kick holes, so either her or her dp has a similar temper.

I have always had a permanent rage inside, but I've just finished 2 years of counselling & it's gone (on the whole.) It's amazing how much better I feel.
Is yours just hormonal & caused by the tiredness of looking after little ones, or has it always been there? In my case, it'd been there long before the children came along.

I've got 3 children, dd 5, ds 2 and dd 1 and I seem to get totally stressed and enraged fairly regularly. In fact tonight I slapped the table really hard, because the kids were throwing food around and I've hurt my hand. I then sent them upstairs out of the way while I cleaned up, only to go out in the hall to find my ds on a chair he had dragged to the top of the stairs, with my 1 yo dd sitting on his back. I shouted so loud I've now got a sore throat.

Honestly some days I feel so mad I don't know what to do with myself. I am then wracked with guilt at being a terrible mum, who just can't handle her kids.

My dh used to have a terrible temper and he used to thump the doors etc he has calmed down a lot now though and it is much more likely to be me throwing a wobbler. They talk about kids having tantrums but I really think I could show them a thing or two.

I don't feel proud at the way I carry on but it is comforting to know I'm not the only one.

Yetty, yes, I'm capable of rage too, absolutely. I'm worse now I'm pregnant, it feels like permanent PMT. I called ex dh tonight and asked him if I was this bad first time round. He said "Umm, Yes. You smashed glasses and burnt pregnancy books that pi**ed you off, remember?". The books I remember, the glasses I don't.

I can control my rage in that I don't hit anyone or anything but I sometimes need to scream, very, very loudly. I don't smash glasses any more because a) we haven't got that many and they're quite nice and b) I'd have to clean them up (I used to have a very tolerant cleaner who would understand if I said 'sorry, I smashed some glasses, please could you hoover' ) I really do want to break something sometimes, but I screamed instead today and it really seemed to help, although it did make my throat sore! Ds wasn't even here, this was just general life/pregnancy frustration!

I don't think it's awful as long as we don't harm anyone, really I don't. Bringing up children is stressful sometimes and it's understandable to feel this way and to need to relieve the tension. Hey, and I only have one - I can't imagine 2 under 5, well done! I have to say that although I was capable of rage before ds I don't remember it being this powerful. I still can't quite believe how hard children can push one's buttons.

Emieswill at your sister living 200 miles away comment!

Thank you all so much for being so honest. I also have a dd who is shaping up to be very impatient and have a short fuse just like mine. Sometimes I swear at her in a sing-song voice (she's 18 months) or dance around grinding my teeth. I feel like Basil Fawlty but not remotely funny. It's shameful and I keep saying it's the last time I lose control of my patience, but it seems to be happening more. The whole idea that as parents we should just surrender and let it all wash over us, no matter how much our buttons are being pressed...HOW? HOW? HOW?

I don't throw things at all ( too poor for that and cannot afford to replace !) so I make up for it in shouting!
My neighbour said this time last year ( childless I HAVE to admit ) " I can tell it's spring-time as the windows are open and we can hear you shouting at the children. ( Could have punched here there and then )
I was so gobsmacked that I could not think of a quick and whitty reply - I just blushed guiltily.
But let's face it - on the whole - we have short fuses and well balanced kids ( Oh yes and either no doors or tonsillitus!!! )

Thanks everyone for being so honest. I just feel I can cope better with this raging feeling if I know I'm not the only one. Feeling so angry is bad enough but then feeling guilty on top of anger really does me in. Anyway thanks again everyone I feel better today. Amazing how a good nights sleep can make you see the world in a better light. I did have this raging temper before kids and am sure have got a whole lot of issues (who doesn't?) that I should try and resolve. Don't know if I would consider counselling (have friends who do it and don't trust them at all to handle their own lives)and I couldn't afford to pay and don't want to talk to the doctor. Mum2toby, I would be interested if you could reccommend a herbal remedy. In the meantime I'm left with constant reminders round the house (dented ironing board, lovely new bin dented from being kicked, door panels loose). Also I do think it's better to take your frustration out on things and not kids. And it doesnt happen everyday. Thanks everyone - I feel more sane!

glad to know I'm not alone too feel so ashamed at times end up feeling so so down at times like now. I don't actually kick/throw anything like someone earlier too poor to do that! Can't believe the rage I feel at times though just try to hold back as it's not there fault I can't cope but glad to know I'm not the only one.

I do get rages too - in fact, today has been a godawful day. My 5 yo ds was pushing every button and my dp 'retired' from the situation for most of the day - first to bed and then to the bottom of the garden!! Leaving me to cope with both children (dd 2 yo). The trouble with is I don't confront dp, I shout at ds.......

Anyway on a related topic, what does anyone think of the latest condemning NSPCC report that shouting at children is as 'damaging' as hitting them?

Nattie I think the NSPCC are probably right. For some individuals the threat could be as bad if not worse than being hit I suppose it just depends on how severe the shouting is. I often try to put myself in a child's situation to understand and when I do get cross not necessarily angry I often find myself apologising - if/when I manage to stop and think giving the children just 1 minute to listen to why they are doing something that I see as so terrible I find that I understand and can explain why I'm not happy unfortuantely when rushing for school or tryiing to cook dinner this is not always something I remember to do. Must rush

yettty, I'm so glad you started this thread it is reassuring to see you're not alone. I definitely get the red mist! and I hate it. I find it is when DS has been difficult all day it can take one last thing for me to snap. I would never ever harm him but I have shouted at him before and then felt so guilty.

Like Tallulah I think my rage has always been there and I am going through counselling at the moment although can't see any light yet!

If I do get angry I try to picture myself as an outsider might see me and that sometimes works to stop me from losing it.

I found yoga to be emotionally calming - I hadn't been expecting to - have you tried it?

I am a terrible shouter - had a whole day on my own with my 3yo ds yesterday and had 2 episodes of complete screaming at him when he wouldn't do what I wanted. I know he finds this very upsetting and scary to see me so out of control. One of the worst things from his point of view must be that it's not predictable - I contain myself for quite a long time and then suddenly blow. He cries and wants a cuddle and I do apologise but don't think that's good enough. I don't think it's acceptable but I shout/scream to prevent myself from doing something worse.

When I can I try to plan my time so I'm not on my own with ds for too long - can't always manage this as I'm a single parent but I do try - and to get out of the house as much as possible. It's harder to shout at your kid in public (altho' not impossible!).

As others have said it's a great relief to know I'm not the only one.