one of our dogs is going to die.....how to help ds understand?

[queenrollo]

One of our dogs has bone cancer. My ds (3) is going through a stage of questioning everything. He keeps going until he is satisfied that he understands and has enough information. This is going to be the first death of any kind that he will encounter and i am keen to try and prepare to help him understand it.
The situation is a little complicated because dp shares the dogs with his ex. We will be collecting them in March and they will be with us for a couple of months. K-dog is quite well at the moment, but the vet had no idea how long it will be before she starts to deteriorate and of course it's possible that she will die while she is is with us. It's also possible she will die while with dp's ex.

Can anyone recommend books that i can have to hand to help ds with this. And any other advice would be appreciated. I don't know whether i should not say anymore to him until she dies or whether it would be better to gently get him used to the idea. I worry if that will confuse him, because of there not being a time-scale to work to.

Given the lack of timescale, I think I'd be saying nothing but getting hold of an appropriate book for when the time comes (someone will surely suggest one soon)
Unless dog is clearly ill, then you could just talk about being ill....and eventually, not being able to be made better by vet.

You probably already know this, but not a good idea to describe death in terms of going to sleep....can cause children to be scared to go to sleep

I'm assuming you have no religious belief (sorry)- if you have I suppose you will be able to talk about the dog going to heaven or whatever you think happens.

FWIW we didn't have this until dcs were much older....they reacted differently, ds was very upset...but recovered quite quickly. Dug a grave, planted flowers etc.
Tis sad, but ineveitable- harder for a LO as young as yours.

oh, how sad for your queen rollo - i lost my rottie to bone cancer Have they x-rayed the dogs chest yet - the lungs tends to be the first place it spreads to. Im sorry, but it happens quickly - used to be a vet nurse and this was my worse fear that one of my dogs would get this. I don't know where she has her tumour, but please be aware that it can be acutely painful and to be extra vigilent with your children around the dog.

In my experience, children cope better than the adults! I think at the age of 3 they don't fully comprehend death. I never really know how to approach it with children as all children are different. I probably wouldn't say anything before hand and then of course what you say will depend very much on whether or not she is with you when the time comes. My prediction would be that she will have to be put to sleep at some point. So, this will be a decision both your partner and his ex will have to take. Its unlikely that she will die suddenly so it will give you a bit of time. I would wait until she is gone, and say that she has died and gone to heaven. Simple as that, that she was very poorly and wasn't going to get better and will be in a happy place now.

I actually had never thought about the going to sleep thing, bloody obvious of course .

Once again, i am so very sorry for you.

oh no not a book!! that is so middle class .

kids are very logical and understande things if they are put sensibly. Its when we as adults try to protect them with untruths and stories it confuses them (eg sex education!)

If you explain to ds that all creatures eventually die when they have lived a long and happy life..including people, that will be enough.

When he then asks (logically) if you and daddy will die, then say ...not for a long, long time.Then on go the teletubbies and end of questions

Thank you for your help.

Madlentileater - i had thought not to describe death in those terms. religious beliefs - am a lax pagan, but as ds is only three i'm willing to go with whatever will comfort him and help him understand.

Lucyellensmummy - K-dog(she is 12) had a golf ball sized lump removed from her groin a few weeks ago. This is when we were told about the bone cancer. Dp's ex says that she is fine, no change in her at all so far.

MrsFreud - i believe in telling my ds the truth about a situation. DP's mum told ds when he asked about a photo of their old dog that the dog had run away (she wasn't sure how i would want her to deal with it) and so now ds just says 'maybe she'll come back one day' in a rather endearing way.
He has suddenly grasped the concept that Grandma is my mum etc and asked dp where his daddy is......so we were honest and told him that he was dead. Every so often he will ask dp why his dad is dead and we've just said he was very poorly and they couldn't fix him anymore. He seems to accept this, and maybe he'll be the same with K-dog. But he never met dp's dad.....he is however very attached to K-dog.
Thankyou for your advice......