Confused by this friend's behaviour, can anyone shed light on it?

[ratherconfused]

Because I really cannot understand the psychology behind it...

I'm pregnant, but have various difficulties to deal with at the moment. A friend of mine, who I thought I knew well has always tried to persuade me, to my face that I should have the baby, that I will be fine and that I can cope and should ignore anyone who says any different.

Recently I discovered that she has been going to my mother and saying the exact opposite - it's an awful idea, she has tried to persuade me against it etc. She has never said anything of the sort to me! Now I am struggling to understand why on earth someone would behave this way. This is someone I have known a long time who I thought I could trust and it has sadly shaken the trust I have in other people who have been outwardly supportive but who I now wonder if they are saying all kinds of other things behind my back.

I also can't believe this person didn't realise my mother and I would cross reference these conversations at some point...I am hoping she did not do this for reasons of malice/stirring....but I'm left wondering what on earth was her motivation?

Think you need to ask her about it in case there has been a terrible misunderstanding. From what you've written, seems your friend has issues triggered by your pregnancy and is behaving in an untrustworthy way.

Thanks for your suggestions. I think you may be right. My mother does not want me to have the baby. She has been awful about it and said horrible things. The last situation where it happened was where the friend had a conversation with me about it, and within the space of an hour a conversation with my mother, expressing polarised views. Then she started talking to me about what pram I should buy

you sound like you'r ehaving ahorrible time.

can i just say congratulations?

there are so many circumstances that children are born into, and we get so worried about it all being perfect, but we are lucky enough to live in a time and place when we can choose to have a baby, and to reasonably assume that they will be healthy, happy & live a long life. as someone who almost never managed to have a child, i feel very strongly that any child who is born to a loving & caring mother is a true blessing, and i think you should focus on that.

your friend sounds like she is just trying to please you & your mother, and has just been really stupid about it.

fwiw, when i was 14 (a looong time ago) my 20 yr old aunt got pregnant, 'out of wedlock' as her parents phrased it. people avoided her, refused to go to the house, crossed to the other side of the street etc. i remember crying in bed cos the whole family felt that their lives were ending, yet actually a new life was starting. my cousin is now married, a mother, a teacher & everyone in the family is proud of her. no matter what the circumstances a child is born in, they really are a positive thing in your life.

good luck in your pregnancy, and i hope you find some less two-faced friends in future.

could your mother be stirring things? as in - mother comes out with stuff, friend says - yes, yes whatever to try and shut her up - and mother interprets as - see - friend is on MY side.

I suspect your friend is either (a) trying to be supportive by letting your mother rant at her and thinks if she agrees with her to her face your mother may rely on your friend to hassle you and so back off, or (b) actually saying "mmm-hmm... yes... uh-huh..." when your mother is ranting at her, so as not to be rude, and your mother is interpreting this as "X said X, Y, Z" (i.e. whatever your mother was going on about that X said "mmm-hmm" to)

Thanks for your support. I am not sure as I was not there and didn't hear the conversation....But I no longer trust this friend and will be saying less to her about anything in the future.

kickassangel - within my family and circle of family friends, I have without doubt become a pariah. Nobody talks to me about the baby or asks how the pregnancy is going. I have had people verbally attack me over the situation. But I am glad I did not have an abortion, in spite of everything.