why do i feel like this.......

[biglips]

If i plan something i aim for it till the day comes and suddenly i back right off on it on the last minute and feel guilty about it and then i do it all over again and it happens again which i feel like asking someone to kick me hard up my bum to do it..

ive been like this for the past 12 yrs and i went worse 3 yrs ago, as it got to the point where i stopped socialising with people and speaking to people in work as i felt comfy with my DP... i used to go to Archery which i do enjoy alot but it feels its a big thing to do as when i do go, i stay there for eg 3 hours where i can stay there for 5 hours and i feel thats enough and i feel i need to get away from the people even though they are nice people.

Since ive had baba and on maternity leave, ive joined the mums and babies group which was a big step for me and also doing level 2 in BSL too and also back in touch with my mates again but i do want to go back to archery but its a big step for me - Why do i feel like this? as i never used to feel like this before all this feeling start to happen?

but on the outside people sees me as a confidence person but im not that confidence..

are you happy tho as you are? what sort of stuff do you back off on? do you mean that you make social arrangements then end up cancelling?

I think peoples' priorities change, especially once you have a baby, so you feel you've got less time for stuff you're not actually that keen on doing.

i suppose i'm trying to get a feel whether it's an anxiety thing/you feel a bit depressed so are shutting yourself off because of that, or whether you are feeling guilty because you feel you should be more sociable.

i dont know what it is as i know for sure since it had started that if i see someone who i know, i used to be terrible as i used to avoid speaking to them by sorting of hiding away from them like crossing the road, now i have to forced myself to stay on the same side as they are....

im alot better now since i had baba (or since i stopped working)

Could it be a security thing? Maybe you worry that if you let them too close you'd get hurt? Or that you will make a fool of yourself? (I've felt like this myself.)

Or maybe you're just one of those people who prefers their own company and that of their family. Nothing wrong in that.

as far i can remember - a "best friend" slept with my BF of 2 yrs and since from then, ive felt like this and when we bought our house nearly 2 yrs ago... i was over the moon but i had this abit of depressing feeling inside me but im still very happy today but still the same feeling that wont go away

What a betrayal, I'm so sorry. I think you need to learn to trust people again - not as easy as it sounds, I know. Have you spoken to your dh about this?

Sorry, dp...

yes i have as he knows....

plus i had a bad relationship before i met DP (verbal abuse relationship) for 4 yrs and it screwed my head up abit and then after i finished with him, i was ok till i met DP (4 yrs ago) and now i feel its a big thing... when i think of archery i dont think of the people (i think), as when the day comes, i think "ill go next time, as cant be bothered" but i end up beating myself up over it

Oh, biglips, you have really been through it. Have you tried counselling?

no not yet but thinking of contacting him as he did contact me before xmas but i kept on forgetting about it till on the last minute (baba was 2 months old then!) so ill call tmrw..

him is the counsellor BTW

Best of luck, Biglips. And at least you have come so far to have a relationship with dp and you have your lovely baba. Hope all goes well.