i feel i have no support. is an ultimatum unfair??

[DillydallyingDaffodils]

(long)

i really feel as hough im not having nough support of my DP i dont know what to anymore.
i have an absolute terribl mther in law. my DS is nearly 2 and ever since he was born i ve had nothing but hurtfull comments of her. i was 18 having DS and she ket telling me i woldnt cope, i had no encouragement at all, i feel i was a brilliant mum but every time we saw her she take the baby off me change his nappy and change his clothes making out i wasn't doing it. (i was BTW) DS has always got everythig matching from coats shoes belts. she s a very nasty woman, sometimes she'll totally ignore me. a few weeks ago i was saying how much weight id lost (1&1/2st)and said i was goin to us my topshop voucher that i had had for christmas off my bro. sheturned around and said really nastily "they wont do your size in ther" (m a size 16) it really hurt as i felt so proud of my self but the she had to spoil it. she buys him new outfits everyweek without fail and she ll rub it in that its all next and debenhams, knowing we cant afford to buy there unless its a good wage one month. ifwe do buy there and he s wearing it she ll ask if my mum bought it. and if he sn't wearing somethin she has bought she ll ask why he is wearing something diferent eg tesco jeans (which i think a reasoable priced) its really hurtful what she is doing i ve tried in the past to ignore it,to keep away, and i ve tried tellig her in a nice way that he looks fine. but she doesnt listen. i mean hes got a ridicolus amount of clothes is wasting. she ll ignore my mother and DP does nothing about it. Christmas time we told my mum and his mum no more than 4presents as we have a small 2bed flat and he already as loads f toys,we asked if they wanted to give more then could they put money for his bank account please. my mum got him 4 and put money into his account,DP mother got him 21 and put money in his account then asked how many my parents had got and after told her sh made a commen on how theylike to spoil him ,she never listens if say no to a biscuit or sweets for te baby she ll give tem anyway. im really getting to the point of walking awayfrom DP and his famly. he has never once stuck up for me.
she has made me a nervous wreck, i ll no longer go out on my own, answer the phone etc, it took me a week to pluck up enough courage to go hair dresses after nearly 18months!! so DP came with me and had his done too and myhair was long and i ve had t cut pretty short. when we went up tohe house she made a fuss over his hair and that it looked lovely etc etc wen he said well we ve both had it done she looked at me and said "yeah i can see that" really nastily.
it ended up with us going home rather than the meal we had booked, and i just sat in the bathroom and sobbed, i ended up cutting m arms, legs and stomach jut for a release of anger.

DP knows and accepts she is wrong but reckons its easier to comfort me than stand up to her.

i really am feelng low, should i give him an ultimatum of her or me? i dont know wht else to do i ve threatened in the past to leave if he doesnt stick up 4me, i just cant live like it anymore, i havent done anything wrng and i ve tried to ask why she desnt like me. DP wanted to start TTC soon and try for a DD but i cant keep going thru this. its beyond a joke now, cant see why it is so hard for DP to see all of whats happening.

Oh goodness, poor you.

OK, have you ever stood up to her? Is she nasty to you in front of your DP?
You need to present a united front against her bullying.
Why not let her see your DS when you're not there? Then your DP can take him and you won't be upset.

I agree, he does need to stand up for you (and himself), but don't forget that this odd woman raised him and he may think her behaviour normal.

Please get help for the self-harming, though, have you spoken to anyone about that?

so sorry to hear about all this

Is there a middle ground?
Could you say to your DP that you will not visit his mum and that she is not welcome in your flat unless she can behave better towards you. If she wants to see your LO then you DP can take him to her place.

You do not have to put up with this nonsense. Stay away from her! She is making you miserable and you owe her nothing.

You should not have to put up with that behaviour and you DP has a duty to stand up for you.

If I were you I wouldn't give him the ultimatum I'd tell him to give one to her. She sounds like a really odd and disturbed woman. Make her aware that if she doesn't curb her behaviour towards you she won't be welcome in your home as muddleduck has said. Lizzylou makes a valid point in saying your DH was brought up by her. He's probably been on the receiving end of her spite before and is scared in a little boy way. Hope you can sort this out!

Blimey what a bitch, you poor thing, first of all you need to stand up to her yourself, tell her the way she treats you is unacceptable and until she realises this she is not allowed into your home, and you wont be coming to her home either

Tell your dp if he doesnt stand by you on this decision he can leave

Once she realises she cannot get away with bullying you, she will back down

Have you told you mum? can you get your mum to be there for support when you tell her this

And when you do tell her she will try to defend herself, maybe even try to turn it round onto you saying she doesnt think you can cope as a mum blah blah, dont argue back, just repeat what you said and tell her if she doesnt like it, tough.

Dont let her back into your life until she starts treating you with some respect

Oh, Dilly, I'm so sorry to hear about this.

I went through something very similar with my MIL. She's a horrible person, really nosy and hurt our relationship a lot a few years ago. She ruined our wedding (the process and the actual thing) and we even had to go see a counselor exactly a month after being married (now we're more than 10,000km away)

Men have this weird thing about standing up to their mothers, even when they know they are being horrible/unfair/nosy/wrong. Mine thought exactly what your DH thinks, that it was too much of a hassle to stand up to her and that it was much easier (or less conflict) to just nod along.

It drove me absolutely mad, I was a nervous wreck, I had a wedding ruined and my self-steem on the ground. So I had to stand up for myself and talk (seriously) to my DH. He could finally see how much harm she had done to me and to us and started changing his attitude with her. He started saying "no" and putting limits. The counselor helped a lot as well...

It's hard, though... you must have a lot of patience, but the main thing is that DH and you are on the same track. If both of you are a "front", then it's harder for her to "hurt" you.

Please, look for some help on the self-harming issue, and get the strength to talk to DH about it so that you can do somethng to change this. Hope this helps =)

Oh, Dilly, my heart breaks for you. I have been in a very similar situation to you for many years, so I know how you must be feeling.

Firstly, do you think that you might be depressed? I only ask because I had PND after my dds and I hated going out/answering the phone and all the things you mention. I really do think you should make an appointment with your GP. They might also have a counselling service to refer you to -you sound as though you desperately need someone to talk to.

From your post, you seem to be doing a fantastic job with your ds - your MIL is behaving appallingly and it cannot continue. She is getting away with murder in the way she is treating you and I totally understand why you feel unable to cope with it. As I mentioned, my MIL is similar -lots of comments under her breath/criticisms etc. She knows you are vulnerable and unsupported and is using this to her advantage -the woman is a bully.

I think you are being entirely reasonable to tell your dp that he either sorts his mum out, or you and ds will have nothing to do with her. You and your ds don't need her poisonous influence in your life.

I did exactly the same as you when dd2 was a baby. I had disciplined dd1 for something and MIL tried to over-rule me. When I wouldn't back down, she got really nasty and caused loads of problems. I basically flipped and refused to have anything to do with her -this lasted for 3 months. She didn't apologise as such, but had been very wary of me since and I definitely have the upper hand, so to speak.

You deserve the full support of your dp, before this woman does any more damage. You are giving your son exactly what he needs -love and security. A baby does not need expensive clothes or loads of presents -she won't be able to but his love.

Regarding the self-harm -please,please contact your GP. You don't need to feel so desperate, you might need anti-depressants to help you to cope with your current problems.

Sorry for the long post. Please keep us up to date, and remember that you and your ds come first. Take good care

i ve tried to be nice bout it but she wont listen, i only really ended up cutting myslf not only for the release but for DP to see how bad im feelng, he says the flat is his home too and that he has a right to have his mother visit. she has ignored me in my own home. but its like im going back for torture as she has told DP in the past that "im not right in the head" when i had PN depression, so im now too scared to "allow" him to go there on his own with DS. im n a catch22

sorry but your Dh needs a good slap across the back of the legs!

If he accepts that she is horrible to you then he should be falling over himself to avoid exposing you to her. Insisting she can come to your flat becasue he lives their too is childish and not the actions of a grown man supporting his wife an child.

Ask him what kind of man stands by and watches his wife be abused in her own home. A weak one. HE needs to grow a backbone

but do let him take your DS to see her on his own for reasonable periods. Take a break when they go and wallow in a nice bath or something.

It can take a while for a man to realise that his duty and priorities have to change when marriage/children happen, but they do have to face it at some point, and better they deal with it before irreparable damage is done. He needs to make a choice between his past and his future. His past is his mother and his future is you and children. His mother must go down the 'important people' list and you and your child (and future children) must go up the list. If this doesn't happen, as your child gets older he will see that mummy doesn't need to be treated with respect and then he won't treat you with respect, and quite possibly he won't treat his girlfriends with respect when he's grown up. You need to help your partner to see this.

Please don't have any more until this situation is resolved. Couple counselling could help you both deal with the MIL problem in a united way, which will help you both anyway, and help you become stronger as a couple.

Sounds like you are going to have to give your dp that ultimatum then, you do not have to put up with this woman nastiness, if your dp wont stand by your decision to not have her in your home then tell him to leave

And please stop cutting yourself and get some help, go and see your gp, speak to your mum about how you feel, keep this woman away from you, if she turns up at your door, refuse to let her in, in your dp lets her in then pick up your coat and go out until she leaves

what are you worried will happen if you dh takes your ds to her place on his own?

You dh says he has a right to have his mother in his home? what about your right to be treated with respect in your own home?

your all so kind with the advice and i am ver ver grateful but in all honesty most of it has been tried, my mum is seething she makes her blood boil, i know i must e doing summin right cos evn my dad sys im a good mum and my dad is not over gushing wt praise for anyone!! ijust want her out f mylife. DP father is so nice he puts upwit th nastiness but i dont wanna hur him its her i hte and its gettin to the point of hating DP as wel

Just refuse to see her.
Nobody has to put up with this level of abuse.
Spend more time with people who appreciate you and who make you feel good about yourself.

Maybe take each day at a time. Work out a plan to make sure that you don't see her at all today and that you do see someone nice

and then tomorrow...

You must be totally frustrated -my dh also used to say that he couldn't ban his mum from our house
My heart used to sink when I saw her car pull up.

To be honest, I think it's time to get serious. If your MIL is like mine, she will manipulate situations and people. Could you tell DP that it's crunch time and you want out unless he stands up to his mum? You will have to be prepared to go through with it though, or he won't take it seriously. He stands to lose a lot more than you do.

Also, remind yourself that it's not you -IYKWIM. It wouldn't matter who your dp had chosen, his mother would still be the same. She sounds like a control freak. She is probably jealous of you, too, and feels threatened.
I'm glad you have your mum on side. My mum hates MIL

Good luck

i honstly cant thank you all enough, you ve all mad me because i know now that im not alone in what im going thru, im going to go and have a cuppa now, i ll be back onlater (around 7ish) speak 2 you all then.

thankyou thankyou thankyou thakyou x x x x

Glad we've all helped, at least by distracting you and letting you vent it all up!
Hope some of our suggestions can help =)

Poor you - what a vile woman!! If you are hurting yourself she is getting to you more than she should be and you might benefit from some medical intervention. Were you on meds for your PND? Ive been there and it takes a LONG time to get over.

The thing is, this woman is always going to be a vile old bag and she will end up a lonely old woman because her grandchildren will sense this and they wont want anything to do with her. Thats quite sad really.

It must be difficult for your DP, as he probably is scared of his mum - its not unusual, terrified of mine!! He probably just tries to keep the peace but he has to step up to the plate and stick up for his wife now.

I don't know if it is me, or the circles i mix in but young mums do seem to be in the minority these days - don't know why but it all seems to be us mums in our thirties. Im on round two effectively, i had my DD1 when i was the same age as you - you sound like you are coping better than i did to be honest. The reason i ask is im just wondering if there are any local support groups for young mums because i can imagine that lots of young mums have similar problems with interfering relatives and it will be nice for you to get out and have a vent about it with other mums your age. Saying that, get along to M&T groups - i really enjoyed homestart groups and they tended to have more young mums there - but i can tell you something, us "oldies" find it just as tough, its fucking hard being a mum whatever age - i guess you just have more energy

Have a chat to your HV about your MIL, see if there any support groups etc. If you get yourself a small circle of friends or groups to go to - i ended up going every day and it took me a long time to find one that fitted ME. It got me out of the house and then at least if the dragon turns up, you can make your excuses and leave.

In the meantime could you try and be nice to the bitch woman, not only will it mess her head up - he he, it might take some of the venom out of her as she wont be able to justify her vileness. I know that could be a big ask but you could imagine sticking pins in her eyes whilst smiling sweetly and saying "oh thanks, i wish id thought of doing that - im lucky to have the benefit of your experience" [vomit]

id like to apoogise for not getting back to you yesterday, but there is a good reason why, me and dp had "talks".
He came in from work at 4:30 and by 5:00 we'd hd a row!! i sked him how work went and he abruptly replied "god woman, i ve just come home from work, i dont realy wanna talk about it" i told him thre was no need to be nasty and that i was doing his food, it wont be long etc and he said "i don't F-IN want it" i left him to have a shower etc and read his paper i then handed him his food towhich he threw on he kitchen floor with "why can't you ever listen" he walked out and i ddn't see him untill 9:45 so he didnt even get to say night night to DS. im not excusing his behavior because he ws very nasty andthere wasnt need to throw his plate etc but he did come home with flowers and apologsed.
his job is stressing him out,we did ha our ow business (a window firm) but with the present climate he had to go get another job andthe firm now dos weekend work (odd jobs hee n there) so anyways... he s working in amazon which he absolutly detests its boring and there could be hours cut, then on to of all of it im goin on nd on and on bout hs parents, so althoug he was nasty i still feel a bit sorry fr him i ase him whether i was being unreasonable about hi parents and whether because i hate thm so much am i oking for things to hate them for? he said "no its not you it is them" he went on abot he s sorry for notsticking up for me and he went and got the kitchen note book out and in the back were a letter for his parents explaining that he had his own family and rsponsibilities etc and how he feels they've never respected him or me and that they should learn he s a man now and not a child and how he ll make mistakes but me and him will wor them out on our own. it made me feel choked up because he d written about things which i didnt know about! apparenty his mother ended up ina physciatric hospital whnhe was about 4 for depression etc and h s been so angry because his grandmother (who is a cow like his mum) had to bring hi and his sister up because his father culdt cope and he tried to commit suicide! h says in the letter how h feels let dwn and had no one for guidence, his grandmoter used to leave him wit an antie and take his sister aroad on hols so i dofeel sorry for him. i feel now that he lost his parents once and now he's going to loose them again and on the other hand his mother had a go about my PND which makes me angry because she knows how it feels as she s been thro it!

any ways i ve told DP tat we'll give them one last chance, he has to stick up for me and i ll keep away as much as i can but if she comes down and is nasty again then i ll throw her out and that will be the end of it she wont see me or DS again what DP does will be up to him, bt i'll wash my hands off the situation. and thats final!!

wha do reckon? am i being fair? (also if he coes home from work and treats me like that again then i ll walk out 4good!)

id like to apoogise for not getting back to you yesterday, but there is a good reason why, me and dp had "talks".
He came in from work at 4:30 and by 5:00 we'd hd a row!! i sked him how work went and he abruptly replied "god woman, i ve just come home from work, i dont realy wanna talk about it" i told him thre was no need to be nasty and that i was doing his food, it wont be long etc and he said "i don't F-IN want it" i left him to have a shower etc and read his paper i then handed him his food towhich he threw on he kitchen floor with "why can't you ever listen" he walked out and i ddn't see him untill 9:45 so he didnt even get to say night night to DS. im not excusing his behavior because he ws very nasty andthere wasnt need to throw his plate etc but he did come home with flowers and apologsed.
his job is stressing him out,we did ha our ow business (a window firm) but with the present climate he had to go get another job andthe firm now dos weekend work (odd jobs hee n there) so anyways... he s working in amazon which he absolutly detests its boring and there could be hours cut, then on to of all of it im goin on nd on and on bout hs parents, so althoug he was nasty i still feel a bit sorry fr him i ase him whether i was being unreasonable about hi parents and whether because i hate thm so much am i oking for things to hate them for? he said "no its not you it is them" he went on abot he s sorry for notsticking up for me and he went and got the kitchen note book out and in the back were a letter for his parents explaining that he had his own family and rsponsibilities etc and how he feels they've never respected him or me and that they should learn he s a man now and not a child and how he ll make mistakes but me and him will wor them out on our own. it made me feel choked up because he d written about things which i didnt know about! apparenty his mother ended up ina physciatric hospital whnhe was about 4 for depression etc and h s been so angry because his grandmother (who is a cow like his mum) had to bring hi and his sister up because his father culdt cope and he tried to commit suicide! h says in the letter how h feels let dwn and had no one for guidence, his grandmoter used to leave him wit an antie and take his sister aroad on hols so i dofeel sorry for him. i feel now that he lost his parents once and now he's going to loose them again and on the other hand his mother had a go about my PND which makes me angry because she knows how it feels as she s been thro it!

any ways i ve told DP tat we'll give them one last chance, he has to stick up for me and i ll keep away as much as i can but if she comes down and is nasty again then i ll throw her out and that will be the end of it she wont see me or DS again what DP does will be up to him, bt i'll wash my hands off the situation. and thats final!!

wha do reckon? am i being fair? (also if he coes home from work and treats me like that again then i ll walk out 4good!)

sorry must have clicked twice im no good with PCs!!!

Hi, DillyDD

Wow, so much happened yesterday.

Despite the rough beginning of the evening, it's so great that he showed you that letter and you could (maybe for the first time) read and know what he's felt and is feeling about this. (It's not that they "don't realise" it's just that they prefer "not to see it" as it makes it easier).

So glad about that, and that you were able to have an adult and serious talk about this.

From now on, remember these are baby steps... it's really not easy to go cold turkey with his parents... he'll do things but it will take time for his mum to take "him" seriously and realise she cannot just drag you both like a rag and get away with it.

So don't feel bad if you feel she's not "taking it in"... it's just a matter of time, the only ESSENTIAL thing is CONSISTENCY. He has to be firm and consistent and not back down.

Please keep us posted and if you feel like the self-harm is something you cannot handle, please ask for help to your GP.

thankyou, i feel so much better today, i have to be honest it waste first time in ages tat i got out of bed and felt happy for no spcific rason (i know tats corney) but i really d feel beter and im hoping that he ll feel he can talk to me now, even if it means putting it down in writing! i know im not totally innocent because he s had a har time off me about them bt we seem to have got it out in the open now

[Smile]

Soooo glad to read you're feeling better this morning! That IS something.