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Original poster

SIL's hen do - is this the norm?

21 replies

paddingtonbear1 · 13/02/2009 10:20

I don't even know exactly what it is yet, but MIL was on the phone to dh yesterday asking for a deposit of 50 quid. The whole cost it turns out is 170. I am thinking maybe it is a spa day or something. I am sure it'll be great but I just wasn't expecting it to be that much - MIL said before it would be very reasonable.
My friends and I got married years ago and we just went out for drinks in town, wearing silly outfits. I guess times have changed!!

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OhYouBadBadKitten · 13/02/2009 14:45

Times certainly have changed - my sister went to Amsterdam for the weekend. Often seems to be hen/stag weekends now.

not my cup of tea.

Gorionine · 13/02/2009 14:49

I do not know if it is the norm as hen dos are something I am not familiar with at all ( was not done on the continent in my days...)

But, I think it sounds like quite an expense she assumes everyone can make. It would be totally messing up with a tight budget like ours, I actually would not be able to go and would have to tell her.

RedFraggle · 13/02/2009 14:50

Yes this does seem the norm now and I hate it!

Not only are you spending hard earned cash on wedding outfits, presents, hotels etc but you also have to fork out for a mini-break (without your partner) where you will spend huge amounts of cash on a spa day, meals out, drinking, matching outfits and.... (boak) devil's horns etc.

When did a night out with the girls become insufficient?

squeaver · 13/02/2009 14:53

And you have to spend an entire weekend with a load of people you either don't know or see all the time (so why would you spend a fortune on spending time with them).

I HATE HATE HATE hen weekends.

As I have asked before on here: can anyone honestly say that they have been on a hen night which would be in their top 10 nights out ever?

Salleroo · 13/02/2009 15:36

Hate them, hate them, hate them... Even my best friends, it was just horrible, had to wear the bunny ears, 'lost' them but someone gave them back to me! Am luckily not able to go on one next weekend which is £100 for drinks round someones house and dinner. Was pregnant at one last year, sat beside a lovely girl on one side and another who was constantly nipping out for coke and didnt say one word to me. I avoid them at all costs.

Expensive nights out with people I dont know and am unlikely to see again - no thanks.

As for weekends away, I'll come up with any excuse not to go.

We have travelled to India and Rome for weddings. Have been invited to two in South Africa this year and one in Holland as well as 2 at home. Needless to say the 'foreign' ones are off the agenda. Having baby in late May fab excuse.

I dislike weddings as much as I dislike hen parties!

neenztwinz · 13/02/2009 15:43

I hate these expensive hen dos. I think it is a bloody cheek esp as some people have to go, it is not like you have a choice!

If you can honestly say you can't afford it, I would just say no.

compo · 13/02/2009 15:45

I wouldn't pay the deposit if you don't know what it's for!
and why is MIL asking dh for the money and not you?
can't she just tell you what she is organising?

Northernlurker · 13/02/2009 15:50

Under any other circumstances would you be happy to pay £170 to spend time with people you don't particularly know or like - doing something that they haven't had the courtesy to outline to you first?

No?

Well tell them to forget it then!

This whole hen/stag weekend thing is just ridiculous. It adds nothing to the marriage or the friendships involved. It's just self indulgent, showy expenditure that encourages alcholic excess and immorality!

dollius · 13/02/2009 16:01

My SIL's hen do was outrageous. Really hope no-one will recognise me from this, but what the hell. Her gay best friend who is a city lawyer wanted us to spend £400 each to hire a private yacht for the day, plus train fares to where it was, then return to London for dinner in a swanky restaurant and clubbing, taxis back etc. I lived a long way away then too, and would have had to pay air fare to get there too. I was gutted because I love my SIL and would have loved to be there. But it was going to cost me something in the region of £700 - £800 for a single day out. I had to drop out and I felt awful. I was really upset about being made to feel that way and basically being excluded from her day because I wasn't rich enough. SIL had no idea what was being organised, so was blameless.

When I was much younger, another friend of mine had to get our boss to send her a fake email ordering her to come into work on the Sunday of a hen weekend she had agreed to go on. As the time went on, the weekend was getting out of control. They were booking helicopters to take them to dinner from Nice to Monaco etc. We were in average-paid jobs and these other women were all city bankers. She felt equally awful about being forced to drop out of that, but there was no way she could have afforded it.

It's not fair to expect people to spend that sort of money on a hen do, and it makes people feel bad when they have to pull out because of the expense. Very inconsiderate and insensitive all round I think.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 13/02/2009 18:00

Well said NL

Original poster

paddingtonbear1 · 13/02/2009 18:26

my hen do was a curry and drinks in town with my best mates - it was pretty cheap by today's standards.
I probably can afford to go to SILs, but I was a bit shocked by the cost. One of SILs friends is organising it. I can't really not go - it would cause bad feeling! MIL and 1 of her sisters will be going, plus SIL and some of her friends (who I don't know very well but am sure they are nice). SIL is coming to see us tomorrow (they live down south and we are up north), but I don't know how much she actually knows about it!
I guess I was more surprised because MIL said on the phone 'not sure how much it'll cost but it will be reasonable'. Their idea of reasonable must be different to mine!
It's on a Friday as well so I would have to travel down south on the Thursday, and take dd out of school the Friday.
The wedding is in August but that is OK - have an outfit already and can stay with the ILs. We do need to fork out for the present of course.
Am really by your SILs do dollius!

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TheCrackFox · 13/02/2009 18:42

Well, I ma going on a Hen Do in the Summer and I cannot wait.

We are off to Durham (never been there before) and have booked a cheap hotel(£25 each) and very cheap train tickets. Durham was chosen because she has friends in Edinburgh, York, London so it is easy for everybody to get there.

I am going with some really good friends so that is why I think it will be great. There has been a lot of thought put into it to ensure it is cheap. There is a theme "got to be glam" so everyone probably has a niceish dress somewhere in the wardrobe. We are all in our 30's so we didn't want devil horns, cowboy hats and all that crap.

I think so long as it is price sensitive it should be OK.

Have to agree, though, that the craze for weddings/hens abroad is naffola.

theITgirl · 13/02/2009 19:36

OK. I am going for a hen weekend next month. But it should be great - the highlight is a Rugby match, Bath vs whoever and two nights in a hotel (cheap). I cannot wait!

Original poster

paddingtonbear1 · 16/02/2009 13:03

I did manage to find out a few more details from MIL. The do is 2 nights B&B in Bath (Fri and Sat night), a picnic and river trip one day, plus a night in a restaurant, and one afternoon in the spa. The price is 170 which includes accommodation and breakfast, and the spa. Not sure if it includes the river trip but deffo doesn't include travel or any more food. The total cost will therefore be well over 200 I reckon. There's around 20 people going, including MIL, SIL and most of her friends (I've never met most of them). SIL is great and doesn't know anything about this.
We live up north so would drive down on the Thurs, can stay with MIL the Thurs night. If dh came he and dd would stay with his dad.
I'm not keen on doing the whole thing, but MIL made it clear they would be offended if I didn't. argh! I hate this kind of thing.

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Original poster

paddingtonbear1 · 16/02/2009 13:08

for me to go on the Fri dh would need Friday off work and dd would be out of school that day. She's only y1 so not so bad, but would I have to give school a reason?
tbh I'd rather just go on the Sat, but I don't think they'd accept that.

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Rindercella · 16/02/2009 13:16

I feel for you Paddington - very awkward situation. I would say to your MIL that you really can't take DD out of school (ok, only small fib there). It's a hell of a lot to expect of you - time off work, DD out of school, not to mention the expense of it. I guess you then will have her wedding to cough up for - present, new outfit, possibly hotel? I really don't get why these things need to be so bloody expensive. Seems very insensitive to me.

For my hen weekend, I rented a really cool house. Went for dinner on 1st night, had facials, manicures, etc., at the house on the Saturday day time. Had a night in on the Saturday, where I cooked dinner & then had a murder mystery organised (sent everyone the invites out before the weekend, so we all dressed up for that). Then everyone other than my Mum & sister left on Sunday & we just spent that day chilling. It was fab. I paid for it all, so it did not cost any of my friends a penny other than getting there.

CuriousSquid · 16/02/2009 13:18

£50 DEPOSIT???!!!

My "do" was out to caberet type thing that cost £8 to get in and then drinks and a cab home!

notcitrus · 16/02/2009 13:22

Blimey!!!
All the hen dos I've gone on, the organiser contacted potential attendees to find out what the budget could be, and usually divided it up so people could attend part or all of it. I'd just say no to spending that much on a mystery!

TsarChasm · 16/02/2009 13:23

I don't understand all these expensive stag and hen do's either.

I hate contrived girly nights out anyway, fancy dress makes me want to scream...and then to have to PAY to do it all too...?!

Original poster

paddingtonbear1 · 16/02/2009 13:26

MIL said before that she didn't know the cost yet but it would be reasonable. I reckon she's said on my behalf that I would be fine with that, but her version of reasonable can't be the same as mine....
tbh we could afford it so I'd feel a bit mean, but I'd rather have spent the money on a holiday with dh and dd. dh thinks I should go though and not offend his family!

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Original poster

paddingtonbear1 · 16/02/2009 13:28

The stag do hasn't been organised yet but dh will be expected to attend. I am dreading that!!

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