I need some help for a friend re potential domestic violence

[concernedforfriend]

testing name change

its worked. whats happened?

Ok i'm not really sure where to start but I could really do with some advice.

I have a lovely friend who has 2 DC and lives with her partner. I have got more and more worried about her recently and some things she has been telling me. I think that it is domestic violence but luckily enough I have not had any experience around this area to be able to say if it is or not. Some of the things she has told me are

He refuses to do any housework/childcare, saying it is womans work (although he doesn't have a job himself and hasn't for 9 years)

Repeatedly name calls, mostly that she is a whore, stupid, ugly, flat chested, couldn't survive without him, crap mother

It sounds like there is some definite sexual violence, she said to me that he is v rough during sex, almost forcing and has repeatedly tried to force objects up into her cervix

He screams and shouts at her and regularly smashes the house up when the children are around.

He had an affair for 3 years that he regularly throws in her face

I have a feeling that this is just the tip of the ice burg to be honest and she spent all afternoon in my house crying and shaking that she didn't want to go home. She has asked him to leave repeatedly but he just refuses or comes back the next day. She won't change the locks because she is worried he will smash the door down. Through all of this she keeps saying that she still loves him and hopes that he will change

I just don't know what to do tbh. I have been reading some stuff on the womans aid website and thought about downloading the booklet for her, but was worried in case he found it. He doesn't let her on the Internet so she can't get any help there.

Any advice at all would be helpful, I am at a loss for words tbh

have you discussed the fact that the relationship is abusive with her?

she needs to realise that this isn't normal and that she needs help.

Could she speak to womens aid at your house? it may be worth persuading her to just call them for some advice. she can remain annonymous if she wants to but it might help her to see it through an outsiders eyes.

Don't pressurise her to leave though. you need to be there for her, even if she decides she isn't ready to leave just yet.

Yes I and another friend have told her that from the outside this is not normal at all, but she just can't see it. He is the only man she has ever been with so I don't think she has any frame of reference.

I will have to speak with her again tomorrow about womans aid. I just called her and she whispered 'he is still here' and put the phone down ffs

concerned, this sounds awful.

As mamazon says, you need get her to speak to womensaid, or to call them or to at least look at their website. Can you get her to your house and show her the website?

Hopefully she will easily see from the website that she is in a definite(not potential) domestic violence situation.

She needs to get out of there fast. She could maybe start getting some stuff together, clothes, passports, birth certs and leave them at your house?

Good luck - you are a true friend.

i think in your position i would just continue to speak to her. it will take a long time for her to firstly realise that she needs to leave and then even longer for her to find the courage to actually do something about it.

it is hard to be on the outside as you feel there is little you can do to help. if you want to be practicle you could start compiling an escape box for her.

get the forms for a non molestation order, photo copies of her important documents (marriage cert, childrens birth certificates, mortgage/rent book etc)
start saving a small amount of cash....the sorts of things she will need if she has to leave suddenly.
i think there is a suggested list on the WA website.

then just give her time. and a lot of support.

Womens Aid have out reach workers who could meet with ehr at your house if that is what she wants to do.
They also run a 'freedom' program which is very good at buliding self esteeem - if she can get away from her partner.