Not a story. A true account

[ISBWS]

Boy meets girl.
Volatile relationship.
Pregnancy announced.
Abortion booked.
Mum changes mind.
Boy leave girl.
Adoption arranged.
Mum changes mind.
Baby and mum together for a few months.
Baby into care.
Back to mum.
Into care.
Back to mum.
In to care.
Back to mum.
As above, numerous times.
Child is happy and settled.
Mum causes trouble.
Back to children's home but is happy there.
Moved to foster home child doesn't want to go to.
Lives there for a number of years.
Minimal visits from social services.
Lots of physical, emotional& sexual abuse.
Finally someone listens and child is moved.
Emergency placement.
Long term foster home.
Moves abroad for job.
Phones home to announce wedding.
Not allowed back to foster home.
Finishes relationship.
Travels to other end of country to find a live in job.
Moving constantly.
Never feeling settled.
Bit messed up, perhaps?

Did it help you to feel better to write it all down, ISBWS?

I'm currently reading Paul Barbers' autobiography, your account reminded me of his, especially contact with the care system.

Anything mnetters can do to help?

That is a sad tale.

Sounds like the child could do with some counselling to talk about the past to decided what to do with the future.

I think writing it down (and obviously I have left out a lot) makes it real though I am still in complete denial that a lot of it happened. I can't believe I went through all that and survived. I am clearly messed up but I am here. When I picture myself back then it is like it is another little girl and I can't reconcile her with being me.

Keep writing it down ISBWS horrible experience you went through.

Even social workers I come into contact with have said about some men and women they deal with "sadly he/she is a product of the care system" so they know it's crap for some people. Doesn't make it okay though.

I have often thought of writing my life story. Just as a true factual story, rather than for anyone else to read, but it scares mw tbh. It will make it even more real. It is all about saying things and letting it out. If I keep it in I can pretend it isn't real.

I know what you mean. It is hard to face up to things - but it isn't easier to ignore it, it's harder because it festers away inside and it will poison you from the inside out, eventually. I will not have my life destroyed by some of the feckwits who have abused me, in whatever way.

Can only recommend writing out your story for your own 'benefit' (for want of a better word!) and ask your GP for counselling. I've heard all sorts of things about difficulty of getting counselling and cost and so on, well I went to my GP with anxiety ishoos (that were slowly but surely messing up my life) and he referred me. Took 4weeks and then I started with a lovely lady, got 6 sessions initially, but as I am impressively in need, I get it basically for however long is neccessary, can be re-referred by doctor to continue. For nowt.

So I think we use excuses cos we're afraid of raking stuff up. And yes it's been hard and at times I have felt SHITE, but 2months in I have got to a place where I am starting to feel better.

I know you can too!

I feel so scared.

What will happen when I finally have to get it all down on paper.

It will be like reliving it and that would be too hard.

I also wonder if I will feel better. Like I have lightened the load. Maybe faced up to that it did all really happen to me? Maybe a lot of my issues will go? I just don't know if I am strong enough.

ISBWS - you are strong - you are still here. You won't be reliving it if you talk to someone about what happened - You'll just be talking about what happened and the effects upon you now. All this will make you even stronger and help you deal with it - to put the issues in their place which will allow you to continue moving forwards. You are strong.

If I wrote it down I would have to accept it was all true and really did happen. I am not sure anyone woul dbelieve me to be honest and sometimes I can hardly believe it myself. I am in a really bad place atm and don't get any space to try and get out of it.

I believe you!!!
Perhaps now is not the time for you? Or are you in a bad place atm because of everything that happened? In which case, aren't you reliving it everyday anyway?

There is always space for you on Mumsnet.
You are taking the first steps here already, by admitting some serious shit happened to you.

None of it was your fault. Facing up to it doesn't mean it will be more your fault.

Just keep trying. You've made a fantastic start and congratulations for that. You can be proud of yourself for your OP. You probably do feel more scared right now, but you will be all right. When you feel ready - and you will - you can expand on what you've written just now. Small steps, ISBWS. You will go a long long way with small steps.

Okay here goes

Mum got pregnant to trap Dad, but it didn't work as she lied a lot. She wanted a boy as someone said dad's stick around more for them so she has never forgiven me for being a girl. Eventually I was taken into care. I went back and forth so many times so no wonder I can't settle anywhere and I don't know where home is.

If I was happy with the foster family she caused so much trouble I had to be moved. If I was unhappy she stayed away, did nothing. So I was removed from the only home I ever remember being happy in and put in another one where I was abused in every way imaginable.

I have food issues from not being fed, my kids have too many toys and clothes from me never having either.

My Dad came into my life 3 years ago for about 2 weeks and now he and his 2 children want nothing to do with me. My mother keeps sending threatening letters saying she has a right to access to my children. I just want it all to end.

What?!! She gave up any rights she had as your mother when she failed to behave like one.

It disgusts and shocks me when parents who have offered no love or protection to there own offspring think that just because they are biologically related to grandkids then it is their automatic right to be involved in their lives.

She sounds utterly selfish and manipulating and screwed up. Actually, i even feel sorry for her.

She has no rights regarding access to your kids.

I truely hope that you can get closure eventually and move on from what sounds like a very traumatic beginning to your life. Peace be with you.

She has no rights to your kids, so you can put that one away. Do you open the letters and read them? Don't. Your next tiny step could be to throw them away unopened and unread(that's not an order btw.)

You're doing really well. Don't rush it, but try not to step back either. You have moved quite a distance already; well done.

Oh ISBWS. What a survivor you are. I am so sorry for what happened toy you and that you were failed by so many. How cruel that when you were happy she kicked off - crazy that no one picked up on what was going on.

She sends the letters to my MIL. She gave me the last one on my son's birthday. Well, actually she gave it to my DH and I found him reading it. We had to go to a solicitor to see what we can do and we can't take out an injunction until she tries to take one of the children or get to them in some way.

Does your MIL know the whole story? Perhaps your dh could ask her to keep the letters and only give them to him, and he can destroy them unopened without it even being mentioned to you? Or are you the sort of person who needs to know? Did you show the solicitor the letters? I am pretty sure that they constitute harrassment and you can certainly do something about that.

At the very least, perhaps dh could have a word with MIL about appropriate times to hand letters over? My dh once got a postcard from his dad (long estranged, but dh still tries to keep in touch and is constantly being let down by his dad), anyway this postcard was inside a birthday card for dd's 3rd. The postcard said all sorts of horrid things. It was ghastly seeing dh's face, all lit up because his dad had bothered to write to him, and then how his face changed as he read it... and it being inside dd's birthday card just made it worse. I'll never forget that.

I am appalled to hear what you are still being subjected to. You are so strong. Believe in yourself; you can make yourself a happy life, you know. You are getting there.

MIL now has read my social services file and knows what I went through and since then she hasn't said anything about my mother and I just have to hope that they are not in contact. She said she told my mother about my new baby as "one mother to another" but what about the mother of her grandchildren? My husband and I wrote a letter to my mother, getting a friend from miles away to post it to not give away the postmark though I now know she knows what county I live in, telling her to leave us alone. She said she would if I said it so I just have to hope but the worry is always there.

When we told my MIL not to tell my mother the children's names she didn't tell us at that point she already had. My greatest fear is that they are in contact and that MIL has sent her photos.

My DH doesn't think she will be in touch but I can't trust her now tbh.

I have the same worries with my mother...

I do feel that if she was going to 'snatch' your children, she would have done it already. She is just making threatening noises.

Bertolli is right, she has no legal 'rights' that I am aware of.

IF it ever came to court, if I were you I would stand up and tell them exactly WHY my mother wasn't in contact with my children. But it won't ever happen, promise you that.

As my dh says 'Don't let the old bitch rattle you'