Should I protect my in-laws and take responsibility for their failings? Or should I be honest but risk hurting them? (a wee bit long, sorry!)

[MrsMerryHenry]

My PIL are a bit emotionally disconnected. DH is always complaining about this; and we've recently noticed it affecting their relationship with our 2-year-old DS. FIL can sometimes be distant and uninvolved, then all of a sudden, out of the blue, he'll want to play fun games - at which our poor DS looks at him quizzically, trying to read the situation as he's clearly unsure how about to interact with him.

MIL is rather controlling in a passive-aggressive way, and, to be frank, can be rather childish at times - she'll kick up a stink over meaningless fripperies at the drop of a hat, blaming everyone else but herself when things don't work. Often the rest of us sit there thinking 'why are you even looking for someone to blame over this non-issue?'. She also does the classic 'talking to DS as if he's an idiot' - even though he's very talkative for his age, with a great vocab. She is more at ease than FIL with playing with DS, but I still get the feeling with her that it's always 'on her terms'. Both PIL have similarly superficial relationships with their other grandchildren, who are much older.

So this weekend just gone, we saw two sets of friends and then dropped in on PIL at the end. DS got on with all 6 of our friends (his first meeting with them) like a house on fire. Then at PIL's house, my MIL and I were chatting and she commented that she hasn't bonded with DS yet because they don't see him often enough. I sat there thinking 'well, he bonded brilliantly with our friends who he's just met for the first time'.

If I were to say this to her she'd get upset but not actually think about whether she might have something to do with their poor bonding. At the same time I think it's unacceptable that I and DH should have to shoulder responsibility for the fact that she hasn't bonded with DS (i.e. because we don't take him to see her often enough). Based on PIL's relationship with their children and g/children, this will clearly be an issue for as long as they're around, also with any other DCs that we have.

How would you handle this situation?

accept them for what they are

do you expect them to be able to change because you point out their failings to them ?

as far as the little digs go (we don't see him often enough), do they come round to yours? do they babysit?

perhaps you could suggest those things

my own mum was a bit passive-aggressive i this way, and ever time she said something similar, I would pull her up on it

I do sympathise, but trying to change themis where madness lies

Yes I agree that it would be madness to try to change them, and I certainly wouldn't expect them to change if I point out their failings.

What I want is to not accept blame for something that's my PIL's fault. They can do with that what they will. I feel like wanting this is a rather starry-eyed expectation, though!

They're oldish and don't come round to ours, really - they could easily drive over if they wanted to but they like to have things 'their way' and keep things within their comfort zones - does that make sense?

I know exactly what you mean

everything my mum does for me is on her terms

very wearing

but I accept that is the way it is if we are tto have a r'ship (not without much gnashing oof teef on my part)

oof ?

Gnash oof if you like, girly! It is extremely frustrating, isn't it? Luckily for me I've not grown up with it but now I can see it impinging on my DS it's become a bigger issue.

PIL are always mad - they are not yours so it's their job.

My MIL just missed my sond' b.day because we invited her mother to the party. Again some wierd passive/agressive situation I have no part of other than my son now asking why grandma didn't come!!!

This is on top of her suggesting the othe week we shoud video one of my sons temper tantrums to embarass him.

The list goes on but I can't change her.

I feel for you but what can you do ?
Snigger behind her back is the only thing that works for me.....

can't spell 2 glasses of wine and too much snow...

I'd like to know what the blame thing is all about too. Every little thing, first find someone to blame, then let everyone know whose fault it is.

Thank God it's not just me!

I deliberately opened a convo about PIL in the car on the way home so that DS would hear and understand that it's not just him that finds their behaviour odd. When I was a child we had one particularly witchy 'auntie' who I still can't stand to this day; however our parents never spoke openly about how awful she was so it felt a bit like a conspiracy of silence. I don't want my DS to grow up with that. Since PIL are clearly not going to change, perhaps the best thing I can teach DS is that they don't find it easy to relate to people but DH and I are trying not to hurt their feelings.

Oh, now I'm really angry again - dammit, I don't want PIL to blame us because they can't relate well!

Any more wine left in that bottle, pippy?

NoBiggy - I more or less understand the psychology of it - i.e. the irrational rationale behind the blame thing (so you'd think I'd be sympathetic, right? wrong!), but I still think: you're a grown adult! You should be able to deal with this stuff maturely by now!

a word of warning...

be creful what ou say in front of ds

he is likely to repeat it at the most embarassing moment !

what is wrong with my typing ?????????

I presume you got the gist of that gibberish I just "typed" MMH

Yes, I've wondered about that, fucker! (typing still understandable, don't worry!). Part of me thinks that at this age, if he blurts out 'grandma is grumpy today' it could be taken as him just speaking his mind, so maybe it might cause the kind of embarassment that makes her think 'is that how he sees me?'. Oh, who am I fooling! ;)

oh yes, all sorts of "fun" to be had

my ds once piped up "why is nanny always in a bad mood and she stinks (of cigarette smoke)"

this was delivered in the middle of a family get together

< cue ground, opening up and me flinging myself in >

That is BRILLIANT!! I love children for their blatant honesty. Please kiss your DS for being a very clever boy!

< at the memory >