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I was told today that I was selfish because I said I would'nt let my ex see my kids if he asked, read this and tell me if you agree with them or me

11 replies

karab · 06/01/2009 14:52

I have 2 fab kids who are now 9 & 10, but when they were only 14mths and 2yrs old respectivly there father walked out after 2 years of wasting all our money on drink and his mates and leaving me on my own for days at a time with the babies while he was out doing exactly what he wanted with whom ever he wanted to do it with, I used to have to take my kids with me to clean peoples homes to make enough money to buy food, milk and nappies. so when he finally went (he wouldnt go when I asked him too) and moved straight in with another woman it was like the world was lifted from my sholders. for the first 6-7 months we saw him on a regular basis, he would pop in a couple of days a week and spend some time with the children and I would go round to a friends so they could have some time alone, this was until his new partner (or so im told) decided she didnt like him spending time in my home (although I wasnt there at the time)so the visits dropped to once a fortnight and then to once a month when he would take them out for a couple of hours, visits then became sporadic, not turning up on agreed days, ignoring phone calls and the final straw came when walking down the street one day my daughter spotted him on the opposite path of a quiet road and called "DADDY!!!" and he looked over and ignoring her he carried on walking, that same day I began looking into moving to another town, only about 20 miles up the road far enough to avoid that happening again but not to far from my family, 2 months later we moved. about 8 months later I received a call from my ex saying that he was near to my new home and would desperatly like to see the children, after alot of umming and ahhing I agreed to meet up for an hour,after almost a year, the kids were excited to see him but also quite shy , we organised a 2nd meet, which he kept, and took things from there until when the kids were 4 & 5 I met my lovely new partner, after we had been together 11 months, my ex dropped my kids home one sunday in Feb 2005 kissed them goodbye as normal and organised the next visit for a fortnights time but wasnt at the meeting place when we arrived, we called to see if there was a problem, no reply, went to his home a few days later to see if they were okay, no answer, and he has never contacted them again since, I know he is alive and well as he lives in the same small town as my family, he now goes around telling anyone who asks after the children that I stopped him seeing them, my little ones were upset for a long time after and I made excuses for him like ' daddy is busy' or 'he has to work' but when your 6 yr old son comes to you and says 'my dad doesnt love me' how can you justify his actions? it has been almost 4 yrs now and although I hear about him through other people he has never attempted to contact us again, my kids have a lovely father figure in my partner, he has been there consistantly for us for almost 5 years now, and although they occasionally mention their 'first' dad (usually round xmas) my kids are healthy well ajusted people, I think that if he ever attempted to come back into their lives now, I would have to refuse him access, I would fight him all the way, they do not deserve anymore heartache or disappointment in their little lives, he had 2 wonderful little children and I hope one day he realizes what he gave up, if one day when they are older they decide they would like to see him then I would support their decision and be there for them either way, but unless that day comes, I would happily never set eyes on him again.

OP posts:
RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 06/01/2009 14:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AmIOdetteOrOdile · 06/01/2009 14:56

sorry - don't mean to be rude but I couldn't read the OP - my eyes started going funny!

AnarchyAunt · 06/01/2009 15:00

I agree with you.

Too many men think they are hard done by when in reality they have trampled all over everything they have been offered and refused to accept the responsibilities that go hand in hand with rights.

Good luck

mysterymoniker · 06/01/2009 15:05

sorry but have never stopped my children from seeing their dad, he has let them down many many times but they are still entitled to see him and to some sort of relationship

feel quite strongly about this, it's not right to do anything other than try to facilitate some sort of relationship between them

mysterymoniker · 06/01/2009 15:06

(having said that it's not as if he even remembers Christmas or birthday cards, so not something I have to face more often than once every two or three years)

karab · 06/01/2009 15:12

To Mysterymoniker
Thanks for your opinion
I have never stopped him from seeing his children, he took that decision upon himself and for several months after I did everything I could to try and salvage the situation, but there has to come a time were he needs to take responsibility himself, he chose not to and I felt that the right thing to do for my family was to get on with our life and not disrupt them further. surely if he doesnt want a relationship with them then that would be more harmful to them than good?

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 06/01/2009 15:13

I wouldnt stop my dc seeing their father if that was what they wanted, no matter how much he let them down, they still have a right to see him

But by the sounds of it he is not going to try and see them anyway, but if he did i would say it should be their choice and at 9 and 10 they are old enough to make that choice imo

VinegarTits · 06/01/2009 15:15

You did make the right choice to get on with your life, if he wants a relationship with them, then it is down to him to keep contact, not down to you to chase him, he cant blame you for that

Astarte · 06/01/2009 15:17

Who said you were selfish? Is this someone who has spoken to him and that's the info they got?

I personally would inform whoever asks or comments that you have never refused contact or ever intend to do so and when the sackless fecker ever decides to contact you to see his kids, you'll do your very best to help the children establish a relationship with him.

He's quite possibly lying to people out of guilt.

Your children have a right to see their father should he ever come knocking again. I understand you want to protect them from him and his uselessness but they also have a right to see him for what he is, which they will inevitably do, and to see that you never 'stopped them from seeing their Dad'.

karab · 06/01/2009 15:38

It was brought up in a convo at work where someone made the comment that 'every parent should have contact with their children regardless of how they have treated them in the past' it became quite a intence conversation! If my children ever ASKED to see him I would not refuse them and I would do what I could to try to establish a link for them, but for as long as they are happy without him and he doesnt bother to contact them then I refuse to waste my time on him

OP posts:
MadMarg · 13/01/2009 15:21

No, I don't think you are being selfish at all. By the sounds of it, your children are better off. My two nephews have finally stopped seeing their father at the age of 14 and 16, and have ignored all attempts at contact from him for several years now. This after years of court mandated visitation rights, which gave him access to them every 2nd weekend and for numerous weeks over summer holidays, etc.

He was a horrible father (and abusive exH to my sister), and they finally had the strength to say - enough. But for many years they went through great emotional trauma because of what he put them through.

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