How to support my friend - her Mum has cancer.

[Scatterbrain]

Hope you sensible ladies can advise me !

One of my oldest friends told me two weeks ago that her mum has just been diagnosed with stomach cancer, and basically the doctors have advised against surgery or any treatment - they've given her 6 months to live.

I am really upset myself as her mum has always been one of the loveliest kindest ladies I've ever met, she was like a second mum to me when we were angst ridden teenagers, and I find it hard not to cry when I think of her.

My friend is being very strong, but is finding it very hard to cope with I know.

My problem is that my all my coping techniques are based on hope and optimism - and there doesn't seem to be any in this situation. I just don't know what to say to my friend, beyond being there for her, and it really worries me that I can't help.

Can anyone out there tell me what I should be doing/saying etc ????

Thank You All xxxx

What a good friend you are. My father died of cancer and it is hard to cope, and hard for friends to help. Just be there for her when she wants to talk, and be a good listener. I'd recommend the Macmillan nurse scheme. Theye were a huge help to all of us when Dad was dying. In the end you have to remeber that you can't make things all right, but by listening you can make things better.

scatterbrain, has she said how her mum is coping with the news herself? Different people have different defence mechanisms - some want to withdraw, some want to carry on as normal, some do want to talk about it, some don't - I mean how your friend copes will be partly determined by her mum's reaction.

I suppose all you can do is be there for her, listen when she wants, talk about her mum and what she has meant to you and how you will miss her too. There is one good thing, that they have that 6 months to spend together, and say all the things they need to say, and do now anything special they might have been putting off until later.

Can't think of anything else to say, really - I'm sure you will be a great help to your friend and her mum because you care so much.

Scatterbrain, how awful and sad for your friend and her mum. When my dad was dying (cancer too, we had 3 weeks) I was grateful when friends just listened and were there if I wanted/needed them to be. I really needed to be able to talk and cry, no holds barred. There was no point in being optimistic for us either.

John Diamond's book 'C, because cowards get cancer too' is a good read on the subject and he talks a lot about how people reacted to him when he was diagnosed with cancer (asking How Are You? and he'd reply 'I've got cancer. You?' ) and how he disliked some of these reactions. It's not as depressing as it sounds and is funny in places too. Anyway, it might be useful for getting an insight into how her mum might be feeling (if you'll see her), although I'm sure it's different for everyone.

All you can do for your friend really is be there, listen if she wants you to and offer practical help if she needs it (like looking after children, shopping etc). But some people cope with these things by going into practical mode I think and by being busy so you may find she doesn't want that. Everyone deals with grief in different ways. You sound like a nice supportive friend and she's lucky to have you. HTH

My mum battled with the same cancer for four long years and passed away when I was 12. It sounds like you are already a good friend just by being so caring. It will be really difficult for your friend to cope and for her to know that you are there to listen to her no matter how down she may be feeling will make all the difference. It's always very hard for families to cope under these circumstances and good friends outside the family are always invaluable at times like this. Just be yourself because I found that as soon as people started acting differently it made the whole thing even more stressfull.

Scatterbrain - I know how you feel. DH's father died of cancer about a year before we were married. He was a really special man, and I too was going through my own kind of grief, but you feel you need to get over that to be strong for the person who is closer to it!

DH has said that I helped him to get through it by just being there for him, listening to him, and holding him when he wanted to have a good cry - or even crying with him. I think what JanH says is true tell your friend how much you think of her mum, and then maybe she feels she will have someone she can grieve with.

I think that when people receive news as terrible as this, they do tend to get on with things in the best way possible and they have plenty of support around them. It is after the person has died and the funeral is over, that people start to drift away from the family with the mistaken belief that the worst is over and so their support is no longer needed. This will be the hardest time in her life as she realises what life is like without her Mum and just by you being there for her it will mean so much.

The only other advice I can give is to let her drive the support you give. As others have said different people react differently to grief - she may want to talk about her mum, but equally she may just want to push the subject aside until she can cope a bit better.
Sorry to have gone on so long, but this is a subject close to my heart and I really wish you and your friend well.

I haven't the time to type much now, but just wanted to add a little to this good advice. My mum was given two months when her cancer was diagnosed - in the end she held on for four months. It was an unreal time with moments of intense happiness as well as the sadness. So much to cram in.

Advice? well, don't expect your friend to be consistent in her attitudes, views, moods or even in making arrangements - she will not know where she's going. Do stay there for her in the last weeks. Many of my mums friends and mind disappeared in the last days, because they felt my mum was too ill or that we needed time alone together. In fact I needed just as much though in a different way. Will come back to this later and explain my message more.

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Listen - first and foremost. Offer a shoulder for her to cry or rage or scream about how unfair life is ....

Any practical support as someone else suggested - can you mind the kids so she can go to the hospital/care for her mum - can you make dinner and drop it over after a long day for her?? Just little things like that.

Thanks everyone - that's really really helpful. Am crying as I type this - she is such a lovely lady and will be such a loss to everyone who knows her.

Much love to all of you have lost loved ones and shared your thoughts with me - it means a lot and I will try to always be there for my friend.

Am going to see her mum tomorrow - don't know what to expect - she is apparently v philosophical and upbeat - but it must be awful.

Thanks again - you are all wonderful !

Hello Scatterbrain, my younger brother died of cancer a year and a half ago leaving 3 school age children, so I too know how this is for your friend. All the advice given here is spot on and your friend and her mum are so lucky to have you as their friend during this time.

Hello scatterbrain, I hope your visit goes well. I was in such a rush last night and wanted to say a little more, so here it is.

As I was saying, it was in the last weeks that I felt I was in a social void. I didn't have many freinds left in my home town and with one notable exception, the others disappeared once my mother's condition deteriorated. I didn't expect a lot fromthem - they were friends from way back and we had only been in loose touch, but I was really disappointed with my mother's friends.

She had several good friends who had initally been very supportive and visited her regularly. I cannot fault them on that. But they vanished away when my mother became bedridden and too ill to converse much. My mother was aware enough to be upset and asked about them often. In each case I talked to the friend and made it clear my mother still wanted to see them. One said she didn't want to see my mother because it would spoil her memories of her, others said we don't want to take up your time together, and others made promises to come and disappeared. Trying to comfort my mother about this was heartbreaking.

On a practical level, if your mother is simply lying on a bed all day and nothing much is happening, trying to make conversation for even a half hour can get really difficult. Had a friend breezed in for even 10 minutes it would have given us something fresh to talk about and bought in something of the outside to the sterile room. It wasn't as if that visit had to be full meaningful words, just some light conversation and a bunch of flowers would have made all the difference.

So scatterbrain, if you are close to your friend and her mother, do offer to visit regularly and do so up to the end, unless your friend says otherwise. She might want those last weeks alone with her mother. Ask her to tell you you when to go away, but never assume she wants you to disappear completely from the scene.

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