Calling other stepmums and anyone with 'teenager' experience...

[Holly02]

Hope someone can assist me a bit. As I've mentioned in a couple of threads, dh's son (almost 17) is living with us for a while, a little under protest I think.

Boy does he have an attitude right now. My parents were here this afternoon with dh, ds (2 1/2) and myself, when SS walked in the door from school. He had a huge scowl on his face and my father smiled at him and said hello, and SS totally ignored him - didn't even look at him. My mother also said hi and got the same treatment. He then proceeded to go into his room and slammed the door.

I feel so angry because my parents have nothing to do with SS's problems and they don't deserve to be treated that way. SS doesn't like the fact that he has to ride his bike to the bus stop and back (15 mins each way), and then sit on the bus for an hour. Fair enough but this whole situation was decided on by dh. In the evenings, DH has also asked SS to make his lunch for school the next day but SS feels that he shouldn't have to make his own lunch, and a couple of times he has refused to do it and gone to school without any sandwiches etc. I have tried to make lunch more 'interesting' for him by buying nice things such as potato chips, cakes, biscuits, and a variety of sandwich fillings, but it has made no difference. Surely it's not too much for an almost 17 year old to make his own lunch??!! He makes us feel as though everything is a total inconvenience and I don't know how to handle it anymore. SS has told me that it's a hassle staying with us and he prefers to stay with people closer to his old home and school.

Oh, and dh also asks him to iron his school shirts (nothing else, just his school shirts) at the beginning of the week so that he has his clothes ready. Is this also too much to ask?? He really doesn't do much else around the house and I feel that he is old enough to be taking a bit of responsibility for himself. Thanks and I hope someone can help with a few wise words...

my eldest ds was 16 last week. We have hardly seen him since his birthday - he went to a concert with a friend and was home late. He then has been out all weekend coming home late. His birthday cake is still here in the box. He does nothing for himself, relies on us to ferry him wherever he wants to go. Communicates only if he is in the mood. He does very little for himself. He does seem to have a lot of friendship turmoil going on at the moment, being dominated by a pest of a 'friend'. That seems to take up an awful lot of his time. He is also permanently talking to his friends from school on MSN. From my experience on mumsnet I know it can be addictive I know that I should start making him take more resonsibility but up until now couldn't be bothered bothered with the arguments that alwaysensue.
On saying that I have told him that his constantly going out is not on from today. He needs to start preparing for his standard grade exams, and he also needs to participate in chores around the house. He is not a lodger. He is also going to have restricted access to chatting on the net.
The only thing is, when he isn't here life is so peaceful. Would it be easier for you all for him to stay closer to school. Sorry not to have offerred any constructive help. Just thought it might be useful to know you are not alone. Is there someone he could stay with during the week and he could come home at weekends? Perhaps if he was away from the house he would do more.

Don't know if this will be any good but ages ago someone here recommended a book called something like "get out of my life but run me into town first" for good advice on dealing with teenagers. Will see if I can find the thread.

You may have already seen this thread but anyway, it's here

Thanks www... appreciate it

Holly02, I have a teenager and my friends have teenagers and frankly the scowling and non communication is totally normal. It is very hard but don't take it personally. My husband is the step parent in this household and has learnt that being treated with contempt by my teenage daughter is actually a sign that she trusts him and thinks of him as a parent (she treats me the same way too from time to time). Whilst I refuse to let her get away with bad behaviour I do try to understand how confusing being a teenager is... when she said 'I hate being this age'with utter venom I could have cried. She wants to be treated like an adult, almost looks like an adult but has a long way to go before she is emotionally adult. Sometimes she just wants to be my little girl (but you can guarantee that at the point at which I treat her as such she is mortified!)

As for expecting your step son to take some responsibility:I should think so too! Dare I say it sounds like he has it awfully easy? At seventeen making your own lunch and ironing a few shirts is hardly asking too much. Don't treat him with kid gloves, tell him what you expect whilst he is living under your roof but make sure that you do this as a couple. Don't allow yourself to become the 'evil step parent' by being the only parent who puts her foot down. Equally allow him to have his say too. You don't have to agree with him. It does work both ways and it is hard sometimes to like teenagers choices but letting them get on with it is part of the letting them take responsibility aspect.
Good luck.

Well no parenting experience but 10 years worth of teaching teenage boys- and he sounds totally normal to me. No it's not too much to ask him to take responsibility for shirts etc, but he's unlikely to. Of course your parents aren't anything to do with his problems but he probably doesn't feel particularly like talking to any adults. Regarding lunch- let him choose- if he wants to make it fine- the food is there, if he doesn't tough he can go without- or buy some from his money- don't bother telling him to make it though as he'll feel less like doing it.

It would be good if you could dtep back and let it wash over you. It's very common for teenagers to be like this. I'd buy a couple of books - just to see if they have any advice and then take a backseat. If he;s 17 he's probably only got another year or so of being hideous. IME boys become human again from about 18/19.

Thanks Winnie1 and Jimjams, it makes me feel better to hear that we are not asking too much. I knew in my heart that we weren't being unfair on him, but you are right Winnie when you say that he has had it pretty easy up until now. He told dh tonight that his mother used to make his lunch so he thinks we should do it for him too. AAARRGGHH! And he shows no sign of wanting to find any work, or earn any pocket money. He would rather go without than have to "concede defeat" where his father is concerned. And this from a kid who has aspirations of becoming an officer in the army. It's such a constant battle and it not only puts pressure on our marriage, but I am on edge a lot of the time and dreading the same thing happening with my own ds in the future. Life was certainly not meant to be easy.

Sounds pretty normal to me as well - when I first met BIL he was 17, and I was in their house for a weeks visit - he never spoke except to say 'hello' when I arrived and 'bye' when I left. He's now a great friend.
I also teach (taught) teenagers and yes, they are like this in school as well. Sounds normal, but it must be annoying for you as you didn't ask him to be there and he is making sure you know he doesnt like it.
Can you get his Dad to speak to him? Does he listen any more to him than to you?

Fantastic book www. You recommended it to me before. It is very humerous and really puts problems in perspective. Teenagers are basically all ar***es.

In fact it was alibubbles who recommended the book. Well worth reading.

Oh Holly - you and me both. We are old mumsnet pals on this subject. Did you see I got us our own special 'topic' (step parenting) on mumsnet? -thanks again team.
I totally second what everyone else has said and agree that you should try (very very hard - deep breaths here) and let it wash over you. Your parents have been through it too (remember, they had you) so I am sure they won't have taken it personally. You just have to keep repeating the mantra - they can't help it, they can't help it - but also, and this is very important, find a space for you to air your resentment, anger, frustration, hurt etc etc (mumsnet, dh, friends) so that it doesn't fester away inside you. You are doing a great job, it's no easy thing your dh has asked of you.

Told my step kids about the new baby and everyone was fine about it. The older two girls were quiet and not exactly leaping for joy, but there were no scenes. I am sure there will be at some point, but it went OK.

My son too is only civilised when he feels like it. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!

I chat to the mums at Rugby on a sunday morning, mopre like we counsel each other. I haven't got to the stage of writing notes to my son and making him make his own meals as one of the mothers has!

After a big argument the other night, he admitted he is angry with himself, which makes him angry with us. He feels he is in a constant downward spiral and sometimes can't see anyway out.

Thankfully our relationship is beginning to improve, we have less confrontation than we used to. Hopefully DS is coming out of his 'wilderness years', but at not yet 16 I might be too optimistic!

It's strange how all the other mums tell me how charming, courteous and articulate my son is to them, I'm sure they have the wrong person!! Seriously, I know he is like this with other people, so I take comfort in knowing that thre is a normal nice boy in there somewhere!!

All sounds like pretty normal behaviour from a teenager so I wouldn't take it personally. Have you ever seen Harry Enfeilds impression of a teenager? It's very funny! I think your dh should have a little word with him and make him understand that its time to grow up a little and take some responsibility or even the three of you sit and talk about things together. If it's any consolation I hated my stepmother at his age, but we get on fine now. Stay calm as if he thinks he's getting to you he'll think he's won.

I haven't had a boy this age - just girls - they can be pretty obnoxious at home too but other people tell me that they think they are lovely girls - it'e pretty universal I think.

Your DSS has got a big extra load to carry though, Holly, with being where he didn't ask to be and doesn't really want to be. You are being very patient with him. If he is getting more difficult to live with, instead of easier, maybe he's hoping to make his dad let him go back and stay closer to school and friends - if your DH really won't back down on this then he has to see that it's not fair on you, as you are the one who spends most time with him and has to put up with the attitude.

Tough situation. You are being very reasonable and fair in what you ask DSS to do but your DH is being unreasonable and unfair to put all of you in this position. Needs talking about more I think. Lots of luck!

Thanks everyone. Cha, I'm glad things went reasonably smoothly for you - hope it stays that way.

I just keep feeling that SS and I are both unhappy, while dh goes around patting himself on the back thinking he's done the 'right thing'. I have gotten to the point of waking up at night and being unable to go back to sleep, because I keep thinking about how much I hate the whole situation. I understand that SS has his own views on this as well, but the two of us have basically been thrown into this situation against our wills. I also don't feel quite the same toward dh, which is a shame - he's been at home for the last week on holidays, and I keep feeling that I can't wait for him to go back to work. It's awful that our relationship has gotten to this point. But that's a whole other subject.

Thanks everyone for your input, I'll just keep hoping & praying.

Holly - sounds very much like you should be talking to your dh about this. Does he know this is how you are feeling? I get the impression from other chats we have had (may be totally wrong here, and forgive me if I am) that you do a lot of suffering in silence. Or partial silence. But this your dh needs to know - things can go so far in a relationship before it's almost too late to turn back. I think he needs to know what an enormous strain this is putting on your and his relationship and quite how serious it is becoming. Thinking of you, keep in there.

Agree with Cha - does sound like your DH is only seeing what he wants to see.