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Original poster

1st birthday dilemma

20 replies

prufrock · 07/03/2003 13:59

DD will be one on 8th May.
DH will complete 10 years at his current job on 8th May, and as this co-incides with the monthly sales team meeting, so all his team will be in London, he wants to arrange a large party to celebrate this.
He has suggested that we celebrate dd's birthday on 9th May, or the 10th which is the Saturday, as she will never know the difference. I feel like I should object to this and insist that he puts his daughter befoore his colleauges, but part of me agrees with him that it isn't that big a deal.
I have informed dh that I can't decide for him - but I knew that you lot would!

OP posts:

lucy123 · 07/03/2003 14:04

prufrock - I don't see any problem with celebrating your dd's birthday on the Saturday. First birthdays are mainly for the adults anyway (and for the adults to give lots of attention to your dd), so a Saturday would be much better anyway. Have fun

futurity · 07/03/2003 14:04

I can see the sense in having DD's birthday party on another day BUT will there be any time on the 8th for him to see her and celebrate in a small way as a family or will he be out all day?

My first gut reaction is that jobs come and go but she will only be 1 once!

shelleyb · 07/03/2003 14:08

I can understand your objection - a first birthday is special. But a one year old has no idea what day it is and will be happy being spoilt whatever day the celebration falls on. We have always celebrated ds1 birthday on the nearest weekend day to his birthday up till now. He had no idea what date it was and that way he could have his birthday and party on the same day. Plus my dh and I are both home all day and can make the day special. Probably won't be able to get a way with it this year as he is starting to learn about dates at school ! And I did feel guilty about not celebrating on his actual birthday but got round this by giving him birthday kisses and wishing him happy birthday once he had fallen asleep. It made me feel better anyway !!!

Philippat · 07/03/2003 14:16

Let's face it, prufrock, your dd is not going to know the difference, but you will! If you think it's a big deal, then you should let your dh know (given that it's a couple of months away has he even considered trying to change the sales meeting/party at work?).

For what it's worth, we celebrated dd's birthday the weekend before.

Lindy · 07/03/2003 14:24

prufrock - we had to postpone my DS's second birthday party this week (by one day) because DH had to attend a funeral - slightly different circumstances I know but life isn't perfect, and your DD really won't know. My DH is also in sales & I do understand the pressure on them work wise & keeping the team happy.

You can celebrate my birthday too on the 9th May!!

bossykate · 07/03/2003 14:26

prufrock, we had three separate celebrations for ds's first b'day - none of which took place on the actual date! in fact the big party was a month later. agree that it is really a celebration for you and dh - dd will be oblivious. why not have a special celebration at home on the actual day and have the party at the weekend?

have a great time whatever you decide.

BigBird · 07/03/2003 14:31

I would feel a bit miffed allright, but thinking about it, it makes sense to do as he suggests.
Head pulling one way, heart the other !
I would be happy if he was there at some other point that day (ie early morning, to open pressies, bring out balloons and have a quick birthday brekkie!) and then really celebrate on the Friday or Saturday. Maybe he'll feel so guilty he can really treat you all to something special ! I would tell him to go for it, sounds like it wouldn't be possible to hold his work party at a different time.

nerdgirl · 07/03/2003 14:39

My mother threw a special party for me on my eldest son's first birthday. There was cake and balloons and I even got pressies!

She figured that he wouldn't know and that this day was really about the anniversary of the day I became a mammy.

Maybe it was a bit over the top but it made me feel special. It was the anniversary of the most important day of my life and I don't think it would have been the same for me if the celebration had been moved to the weekend for convenience.

Having had my little rant - I think that all that matters here is how you feel about it Prufrock.

elliott · 07/03/2003 14:39

I agree that you should postpone your family celebration till the weekend. Why not plan something special for just you and dd (or perhaps including other friends that your dh doesn't know) for the actual day?
You know, its only just coming back to me as I write this that exactly the same happened to us - DH had to travel to a meeting and didn't see ds at all on his birthday. Instead we had a small birthday tea with the three of us the day before (dh made the cake to make up for it!!), I took the day off on the actual day and did nice things with ds, then on the weekend we visited family. So we had lots of celebratiosn and the fact that I'd forgotten that dh wasn't there for one of the days suggests that it wasn't the end of the world!
Obviously its nice to do something special to mark the occasion, but I don't think when it happens is crucial.

elliott · 07/03/2003 14:45

oh, yes - I did give dh a small amount of grief, but once we had decided on a solution I didn't think it was reasonable to keep stamping my foot about it! Its not about 'putting his daughter before his colleagues' - she won't have a clue -its just about making sure everyone gets as much of what they want as possible!

zebra · 07/03/2003 14:58

I fill with dread about birthday parties for our kids' ... Neither DH nor I had much in the way of birthday celebrations when we were growing up. I had a few unhappy parties. Not sure about DH, but his family is extremely anti-outsiders; he doesn't remember any big parties. I didn't have friends at school so virtually never got invited to other birthday parties. I dont' know if DH went to many, probably not because his mother didn't approve of socialising outside the family.

Now I don't know how to cope with the birthday party culture. We get invites and I'm amazed at all the trouble other parents go to. I always forget a card or a prezzie or both. I tried to do a little get-together for DS's 3rd and it was a disaster -- original venue closed, people getting lost or arriving very late, the lot.

I got pressured by a friend to do "something" for DD's first, so invited just 4 friends around and put up some balloons -- I was extremely stressed out the whole time.

Worse, I feel this ENORMOUS pressure in the future, to go the whole hog, decorate the house, invite lots of kids, keep them entertained, give them party games, supply party bags full of sweets I don't approve of, the lot. It all feels foreign and very stressful to me. I would love to be in Prufrock's place!!!!

Does anybody else hate organising birthday parties??

eidsvold · 07/03/2003 15:27

i have yet to experience any of this as my dd is not 1 for ages but can you believe I am already thinking about what to do!?!?!

aloha · 07/03/2003 15:34

Why don't you and your best friend/mum/sister have a tea party on the day with really good cake, and then a little party if you want one on the Saturday? After all, as has been said, your dd will be oblivious. I didn't have my ds's 1st birthday party on his birthday, but on the day my mum and I went out and ate cake, and in the evening had a bottle of champagne with dh (any excuse!). Mind you, if he's having a big party on the 8th, then I wouldn't have the party on the 9th. Wailing babies aren't any fun with a hangover

Lindy · 07/03/2003 16:02

Zebra - I'm so sorry reading your post - I must admit I love children's parties - this week my DS was two & I organised three separate events (and made three separate cakes!!) - it was exhausting but I really enjoyed it - I do what I want, don't worry about what's 'fashionable', party bags, prizes etc - just go with my own instincts and everyone really seemed to enjoy themselves.

Cha · 07/03/2003 16:02

It's about you thinking he's putting his work / colleagues before you and your dd. I expect all mums feel this of their partners at some time or another (or is it just me???). What we do with it is another matter. You say you feel like you shouldn't object (and logically you shouldn't, after all, is she ever going to know?) but you still feel resentful. I do know how you feel, we all do. Talk to him about how him wanting to go to this work party rather than your daughter's birthday makes you feel. Maybe just clearing the air on this will help you two decide what is best.

My daughter's first birthday was celebrated with a single candle in an eccles cake and no presents. I am rather in agreement with Nerdgirl - I think it's the mum (and dad) that need treating on birthdays - they are after all the ones who went through the whole ordeal! I had friends round for dinner with lots of champers and laughing.

Original poster

prufrock · 07/03/2003 20:46

BigBird said it exactly. My head says that it will be much better to celebrate on the Saturday, but my heart is saying NO No No Mummy and Daddy must be with the baby on the babies birthday.

We were never actually going to celebrate her birthday as such on the Thursday - family will be coming to stay at the weekend so the big party will be then. He has asked me to go to the work do as well, but it just feels so wrong for us not to be here - even if it is just to sit and watch TV whilst she is fast asleep. It wouldn't bother me any other day, we often go out in the week, we put her to bed and one of the nursery girls babysits, but I feel I really would be joining the bad mothers club if I was to go out and enjoy myslef without my dd on her birthday. And I know that's not rational

OP posts:

Chinchilla · 07/03/2003 20:56

Why not have some of her little chums round for party food, along with their mums for wine and adult party food? My ds was 1 on a Saturday, so that was not an issue, but when he is two (Sunday this year), I am going to have a little garden party (less mess indoors, and it will be July) on the Friday before his birthday, or the Monday after. Dh does not want a family thing this year, as 2 seems less important than 1, and it means that he won't have to be sociable! I am going to invite all the mums I have met at M/T Group, and my friends with children (oh, and their children of course!), and have a fun couple of hours. I'll let the kids run wild, and the mums can sit in the garden sipping fizzy wine...

sobernow · 07/03/2003 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Girly · 07/03/2003 21:41

My ds will be 1 on May 11, so we are having a party that weekend too. I would just do a little tea party on the actual day and enjoy the big party at the weekend and let dh do the running around, put a pinny on him and send him round with the nibbles! Oh and load the dishwasher, fill peoples glasses. Let him know who really is the boss IYKWIM!!

Janeway · 07/03/2003 22:36

our ds had his 1st birthday party a couple of weeks ago - we had 30 people round in total (split into an afternoon and an evening do) ds had great fun. We couldn't have done this if it was on a week day. I would suggest having the party at the weekend, and marking the day in a small way (just family).

ds has to wait a week for his main birthday present (took that long to prepare the area of the garden for the gym & slide) but I'm sure he didn't mind and we'll soon forget any lingering guilt for our tardiness in doing this.

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