feeling really bullied by someone

[pellmell]

I am self employed and work in a similar capacity to a childminder/foster carer.

All my contracts come via social services and at times mean that I have involvement in really complex family matters.

A father of a teenage girl(who has just been placed with me for a week) has been calling me a lot and to be quite honest is using quite controlling behavior toward me.

I feel really torn between wanting to provide care again (as suggested by her social worker if this time was a success) and wanting to run as fast as I can from this man.

I am aware that his manner may well be contributing to the childs difficulties (hence the need to bring in some support for the family)

I am painfully aware that the way I am feeling is nothing compared to how the child must feel.This is making it so difficult to say "no" to further care.
I just want to hand it to someone better able to cope.

If I say no then I know she will have to go to carers who are not local

It has crossed my mind that this is bringing up very heavy and distressing memories of controlling and abusive behavior from my own father.

Oh you poor thing. So sorry for you and this girl.

Is he allowed to call you directly like that? Can you ask SS to intercept the calls somehow? If you don't mind me asking what kind of things is he saying to you?

I would be straight: tell SS that you would like to continue with the girl, that you believe you can offer her a good environment but cannot continue if this man continues with this behaviour. Their problem then, and the sort of one they have the power to deal with.

Yes, report the man to SS as it is likely his behaviour is contributing to his DD's problems (and you reporting it is going to help build a case against him) - basically a man who is a controlling bully and has a 'problem' teenager might well be abusing her in some way.

Thankyou peachy-yours is such a concise post telling me exactly what I should do(what I know I should do)
I really do feel that I can offer her a good environment and I enjoyed the challenge and the change from babies / pre-schoolers.
I know that by agreeing to further care it has to make a difference to the child. I need to be confident though that I can handle some of the difficult aspects to this case.
Crush-thanks for your post.
written down it would seem very petty (what he is saying, I mean)
Actually the problem is the amount of times he's calling/leaving messages now she has gone home.
He speaks in a calm robotic way but yet sounds like he is making an order.
He appears (although it might be Mum's choice)to be preventing mother and I having contact.
I explained that the child must first be able to give her true evaluation of her time with me (with someone neutral- probation officer e.g)befor anyone talks about care continuing.
He has TOLD me he will be asking for her to come back wednesday overnight.
Things like that.....
etc etc.

solidgold-sorry cross post
my dh says the same as you.

That robotic voive etc etc etc is all so typical f cojntrol feaks, and yes it often does seem petty wriotten down but thats the point: the most experienced ones know that tone of voice / manner etc is ahrder to 'get' them on so are wary of quotabe things

of course social workers are not stupid and know this very well so are quite happy to deal with tone of voice, mannerisms etc as threatenig behaviour.

peachy, so do you think it would be o.k to say those things to the social worker then?

I was worried about seeming unprofessional by being disparaging about a parent with "no evidence of anything solid"

I thought I would seem like a was taking a personal dislike and that would not be fair.
Yet I do have a very strong hunch .......

They are adoptive parents by the way

Ah I see that kind of thing. Sounds v difficult for you. Agree with Peachy.

pell mell....it sounds like a horrible situation.

as a "professional" childcarer/foster carer type person, do you have a support system in place by the people who arrange the care? or a contact there? if it were a child protection issue who would you speak to? maybe you could give them a call for a chat....

you need to look out for yourself first. you need to be on top of things in order to be caring for someone else...it sounds like you are doing a smahing job with the girl...you should not imo not be receiving these types of calls from her father...i would report them straight away.

you need to be able to support this young person and help her to grow and blossom, and if you are scared of how her father is behaving towards you, then it sounds like any good you may be doing will be undone every time she returns to the family home...

you really need to pass this on... hope you are ok.

i havent read all posts so sorry if i repeat. I would suggest that you talk to sw and explain how this man has made you feel. Say that if you were to do it again, you need an agreement on times, how many phone calls and what you need to do to ensure this happens. Just because your not sw, doesnt mean you shouldnt have access to the same guidelines and training.

melly thanks.
Yes I do, I have a co-ordinator but I had held back with regard to my feelings and simply stuck to facts.
I think I was afraid of seeming a bit over dramatic.
My dh picked up on the fact that the father used the term "Skill sets" when referring to strategies they are using with agressive behavior from the child..."we have picked up some skill sets along the way"

Hi Lisa
I think you gave me a bit of a pat on the shoulder with the last difficult case I had.

I don't think I have the back bone for this job
YES I DO>>>>>>
I just need a dumping ground for all the emotional poo and a hhhhuuuuuuge glass of wine.

you are right to stick with facts, but sometimes, if your gut feeling tells you somthing is not right, you need to go with it....

you are not doing anything out of order by telling someone...it may well need to be noted in order to build up a bigger picture. you may not be the only person who has this feeling about him.

if it were me posing the same situation that you were in, what would you advise?

you really do sound like a smashing lady!