Hi my heart is breaking and I cant show or tell any one, my mum had cancer October 2003 and had it removed and had treatment within 4 months job done and I thanked god even through I don't get on with my mum I was so very glad that she was alright.
Then 23rd Decembers 2004 we were told my dad had got cancer of the bowl, in Jan we were told it was really really bad and told then that he also had liver and lung cancer too last month we were told that he has 2-3 months left.
I have two little boys that I have to take care of, one in school one not, I go down there every Friday any more and I wood just break into peaces. My mum is always telling me that he is in so much pain that he's always crying and I've never seen my dad cry I am a daddy's little girl,
I cant pick up the phone and I cant see him that much, everyone is always asking me to go down there as much as possible. I feel like I'm watching the telly like it's not me it's happening to butt some one else, When I'm at home I switch off from it. (what doesn't help is that every time one of us is ill I cant go and see my dad as he might end up with the illness and that could kill him, even if it's a cold).
on Saturday I went to see my dad and my Gran went up stairs to see were they were she came down and told me my mum will be down as soon as my dad stops crying, I wanted to go home so much then my mum came down and I told her I'll go home and try and come back tomorrow, my mum, Gran and hubby told me to go and say hi, I couldn't, all the way up the stair I started crying I stud out side the bedroom trying to stop my self from crying, I went in sat on the bed the my dad turn to me and started crying in pain, I held him in my arms rocking him until he fell asleep, I told him I loved him and that I would have his pain in a heart beat.
I want so much to be strong for my Mum, my 8 bothers and my sister, plus I have two little boys that don't need to so me going to bits, no one knows that I cried and no one know that I sat rocking my dad to sleep as he was crying in pain, I don't want no one to see me cry, the amount of times I tell my family not to cry in front of my dad, my saying is "don't cry, save your tears for when he's gone, as dad wouldn't want to see he's upsetting anyone, plus if he gets over this or tears would have been wasted!"
That was the first time I cried about it since I was told my dad had cancer, I told my hubby that I cant cry in front of anyone I feel as if I would be letting every one down including my self.
I cant cope with this and I need to before I lose my dad forever!