in-laws - AARGH!!!!

[Sam29]

Feel the need for a rant so excuse me if this ramble s a bit....!
Am white UK, dh is Indian UK. OUr first baby is due this week and yesterday we took in-laws out for lunch and within 5 mins of arriving at their house they were on about having a big family party for baby (who will not only be their first grandchild but will be a boy born to their beloved eldest child - my gorgeous DH). Anyway, this is apparently partly because if me and DH were both indian we would live with them for first 6 weeks of baby's life (horror of horrors). NOT doing this. And as baby will be indian (apparently my own race / culture are irrelevant) we are expected to have some major party so everyone can come and gawp at our child. I feel like a brood mare who has no say whatsoever in this. No-one asked me my opinions or even acknowledged me in this discussion, in fact i couldn't even get a word in edgeways. Fortunately my dh knows me well enough to try to calm down the in-laws' plans and say what he knew I would feel but that is not the point! I hate being ignored, i don't think they have even considered that I might have my own beliefs and wishes like a christening for example ( which as someone who is not particularly religious I am not actually fussed about). I have a sense of impending doom about this as I think they assuem the baby is property of the whole family whereas I am quite a private, and very stubborn, person with my own views and opinions.
Anyone else had to deal with anything similar and got any wise words???

Haven't had dealings with this, but I'm wondering whether this party is supposed to be at your house or your in-laws. If it's at yours and you're expected to organise it, could you say you feel weak after the birth and ignore the entire idea? If it's at theirs, perhaps you and babe could take to your bed on the day and lock the doors?

On the bright side, you might get plenty of help in the house and rest after the birth, but this is probably not much consolation when your house is being invaded.

If this was happening to me, I'd put my foot down (easier said than done, I know). I had a family member insisting on visiting after the birth of my first child. No amount of pleading would put her off and in the end, I had to put up with it, but it caused great strain and in retrospect, it would have been better if I'd hired a holiday cottage for a fortnight to avoid the intrusion. Perhaps you could insist that in your culture, the custom is to leave mother and new-born alone for the first few weeks. Do you have a mother or sister close by who could stand up for you?

Hmm, cannot confide in my mum on this as she already has paranoia / racism about my marrying into a different culture so would be more hassle than it's worth to talk to her about this! Is not expected to happen at our house but in some kind of venue I think, we have talked about it and think may offer compromise of "open house" at the in-laws for an afternoon and anyone who wants to come and see can do so there. Issue is practical as much as anything else as intend to be breastfeeding and am not prepared to do this in front of lots of random family members! Also want baby's first few weeks to be calm and quiet not for the poor thing to be passed from person to person.

I totally agree. I don't like newborns being passed around constantly either. I just felt like being on my own at the time, so wouldn't be able to contemplate what they are proposing. Could you exaggerate your need to be alone? Fabricate post natal psychosis, or something?
The beastfeeding issue is the main thing, IMO. It is fairly constant in the first few weeks, so you would just end up in an upstairs room for the entire open house. I would imagine your new rellys are pretty prudish about breast-feeding too. I found this was the biggest problem re visitors.
To be honest, I would just throw a major strop and get my own way. But then, that's just me. Not much help, I'm afraid.

Sam29, totally agree with you about both of you needing peace and quiet in your first few weeks, it's a priceless but also occasionally stressful time. Hope www picks this up as I think her ds' dad is British Indian.
An open house for half a day could be a good compromise. Sorry your views were not even considered.

Erm, how about a 'doctors orders' excuse if your GP is willing to cooperate.

In many Indian Families, I know it is traditional to have a ceremony on the sixth day after the birth where baby is given pressies and, if a name is already agreed on, then the day is used to officially name the baby. Most families I know of, tend to have very small ceremonies which only cover up to the immediate family of the parents and not really go in for anything that requires the hiring of an outside venue.

I think an open afternoon at your in-laws sounds like a good compromise as a lot of visitors can come and see the baby in one day rather than interupt you with visits over a long period of time, and you can retire to a bedroom to feed the baby in peace (lock the door if you don't want to be interrupted as many Indian women I know of would not think to ask if you mind them being present while you feed!)

To be honest, I don't think you will get away with from this one without agreeing to something without causing a great deal of family upset etc but if you are willing to a compromise,stick to your limits otherwise you may find yourself being pressurised into something bigger than you you find acceptable.

HTH.

If it was me, I'd put my foot down. I know they probably mean well, but it does seem like they are taking over a bit. I'd tell them there is no point in planning anything yet as your not sure how you or the baby will be feeling. To keep the peace, perhaps tell them that you would be happy to do something at a later stage.

OTOH you might change your mind after the birth. As it's your first I think you will be totally chuffed with your new ds and might decide that you will enjoy showing him off a bit. Probably best to wait till after the birth before agreeing/disagreeing to this one...

It seems to me that you need to get your DH to stick up for you and let his family know how you feel - much easier for him to do it than you - and he should present it as how you both feel, rather than "blaming" you.

what did your dh say when this was announced? I agree with nqwww that he should be sticking up for you, and to let them know he respects your views as well as theirs...and hopefully reach some sort of compromise - where everyone has a schedule - ie you can come at x but you must go by y...even if they think it's not traditional. arrange for the midwife to have a pre-planned visit and they all have to go

I think a compromise is in order here. I too am cursed with an octopus of a family and the first treasured grandchild on DH's side. In the end an extended stay in hospital meant we couldn't see family or friends till dd was at least two weeks old. DH was desperate to show off his offspring, so we set aside 3 consecutive Saturday afternoons, and issued invitations. My family one day, his the next week and friends the week after - more or less. We made it VERY clear that as the birth had been difficult that we were only going to be "avaliable" for 3 hours each time.

We got the champagne in and made a party of it. In the end I was surprised at how nice it was. I got to show off our beautiful offspring while not lifting a finger. Everyone respected our wishes, and if they looked like they were going to overstay their welcome, I whipped out a boob and made it really obvious what I was doing.

Poor you!

I'm afraid I don't have any experience of this type of family situation but one small suggestion which might help with regard to lots of visitors/party ... after the difficult birth of my DS, the hospital MW said not to let anyone else hold him for a couple of weeks as he'd been through a lot and needed the reassurance of being held by his parents so that he could get to know us. I don't know how necessary it was but we followed 'medical advice' and it was great to be able to hang onto him when we had visitors.

I hope it works out ok and good luck with the birth!

I would try & keep an open mind about it - my parents had planned a huge family party a year in advance - neither I nor they had any idea that I would be having a baby - as it happened my brother & his wife also had a new baby by the time the party date arrived - my DS was just 3 weeks & it involved a long distance travelling, staying over night etc etc. The cousin was just 6 weeks old. In fact we had a wonderful time, both boys had been born with 'abnormalities' so to be able to meet everyone in what turned out to be a very supportive enviornment was a great help - I just disappeared for a bit of peace & quiet when I wanted to b/f (I prefer to do that rather than be public - but that's just me) - everyone enjoyed cuddling the babies and it gave me & SIL a bit of a break.

I agree that it was probably a lot easier as it was 'my' family, but as others have said, you need to get your DH on your side & decide what you both want to do. Hope it will work out OK for you.

from another perspective - my dh and I had our daughter who spent the first three weeks on her life in special care and then a month later was back in hospital for very major surgery. His parents were dealing with his grandmother living with them and the health and mental health issues to go with that. All of my family and good friends are in Australia and so our daughter's birth passed with very little fan fare. She is the first grandchild for the my parents in law and the second for my parents. I would have loved a party/gathering for my child to be welcomed to the extended family. I can't wait to get to Australia to show my little one to my family and have them meet her and celebrate her birth.

I can understand that you might find it difficult to cope with but one afternoon for the family to welcome the newest member is not too much to give up and as others have said - you can excuse yourself to breastfeed or state that the baby need to be put down to sleep. I can't speak for them but I would think it is not about assuming the baby is property as wanting to celebrate the birth of this little one adn welcome them to the family.

Perhaps you can ask that they hold off for a month or two after the baby has been born and you have settled into some sort of family routine.

Hi
My dh is Indian as well and I am white. Our ds is now 15 months old. Dh's family are in many ways not very traditional - we didn't have a big party when ds was born, but on one afternoon quite a few family members on dh's side, and also my parents and one friend, came over. They left at about 9.00pm which I thought was too late, but then I think people don't realise how vulnerable, touchy and fragile (and tired!) especially first-time mothers feel. I was glad we could have so many people over on the same day as it meant that they didn't all come in dribs and drabs and we "got it over with". It was ok - and I did go upstairs to breastfeed - the only person who intruded on that is dh's baby OBSESSED (but not half as nice to her now teenage children) elder sister who walks into roooms without knocking (and has done it since 3 or 4 times - thinking about it makes me angry) to see her nephew. Do you get on with your dh's family in general? Have you known them long? I understand the "brood mare" feeling a little, but if you forge your own relationship with them then that should go away a little. Dh's family are in many ways great - he has 5 brothers and sisters - the obsessive sister is a little hard to deal with at times and one of his brothers annoyed me after the birth by saying that ds's name was "not very Indian" (his surname is obviously Indian but his first name is European - both dh and I chose it together and we both like it a lot) to which I thought "yes, and neither am I in case you hadn't noticed"... He also looked at ds's hands which were quite a lot whiter than his face when he was born and said "you've got white hands, snap out of it..." which I found annoying (and still annoying now if I think about it)... A few weeks later when we went to see them he looked at ds and said to me "he looks like you", then turned to ds and said "snap out of it" again... These comments all really annoyed me but when I told dh about them he just said it's the kind of silly/stupid comment his brother would make.
My MIL (who in some moods I really like, she is more difficult if tired or moody) talks of the tradition of spending the first 4 weeks with your daughter when she has had a baby... She spent 10 days here after ds was born and at the end of it we unfortunately had a misunderstanding which upset us both - she had spoken to one of her sons (the rude one) about him coming to pick her up so I thought she was all set to go home. She then asked me if I wanted her to stay to help - in hindsight I should have been more diplomatic but I said that I had really appreciated her help, she had really reassured me and I wanted to see if dh and I could manage on our own. She got VERY upset and it was really quite horrible as I had simply answered her question. I think we are over that now but she obviously would have liked to have stayed longer. I on the other hand was feeling a little constrained by having people over (my parents were staying nearby and were there every day and also left after 10 days) - I was constantly going upstairs to breastfeed, and I also felt that my every move was being watched. Eg. once when ds was crying I went towards him and MIL tutted (not unkindly), I picked him up anyway, but it's this kind of thing which I found difficult. She made a couple of other comments which annoyed me - also, when we told her what name we had picked (she must have been in a bad mood that day) she told us to "take another week to think about it" - which we didn't - we went ahead with what we liked.
Sorry, this is turning into a mammoth posting, I obviously still have issues, either that or I bear grudges for a long time!
I also know a little of the feeling that the baby belongs to the entire family. I think in Indian culture it is much more like that, I feel a little of it with dh's family, but in other ways they are really quite relaxed and detached. My parents can also be overbearing but when it's your own family it's easier to deal with because you don't have to be so polite. Anyway, if you have read this far (!), I think the open house idea at your in-laws is really a good idea and as other people have said, you may enjoy it more than you think you will now. Whatever race people are, I think the changes in extended family dynamics when a baby is born are very big and I didn't find them easy to deal with (from both sides)... I am quite a jealous person and I think this is part of it. Over the first year of ds's life I felt that we saw A LOT of family (both sides), in the past I would have been at work but being at home all the time makes you feel somewhat trapped. The fact that they are not really there to see you makes it worse (though it's not quite as cut and dried as that as of course ds would not be there if it were not for both dh and I so we are part and parcel of the whole package, whether people like it or not). I am glad for ds that he has an extended family who are so affectionate. I had it and now it's his turn...
Though the child does belong more to the extended family in Indian culture, the mother figure is also held in great respect (maybe not so much the young inexperienced mother but certainly later on) I think so that is a plus point. I know it's not to our way of thinking (mine either as I am also quite private), but the belonging to the whole family thing is also nice for the kid as he/she gets all kind of input. His/her mother will always be number one though (at least until puberty anyway!)...
It sounds as if your dh is supportive of you... just stand your ground if anybody tells you you should be doing something different to what you believe in in terms of baby care...

Sam29, I do sympathise! Marina's right, my ex dh is British Indian and I'm white. We had a similar-ish situation when our ds was born as MIL wanted to do a ceremonial thing to welcome ds to the family. The impression I got at the time was that this had religious significance (they're Hindu) and I objected as I didn't want ds formally 'recognised' by any religion. So I told dh to tell MIL that it wouldn't be happening, he said he'd told her this when he hadn't (scared I reckon!) and in the end I had to have a long phone conversation with her where I explained my position. Hmmm. She was upset but did respect my wishes. I think had I been asked to just bring him to a big party I would have been ok with that but the way I saw it, I wouldn't have allowed my mum to arrange a christening for ds either!

Arabella is right about children belonging to the whole family and everyone taking responsibility and it does take some getting used to but now I think it's great. I love it and thoroughly approve of the whole ethos of shared responsibility. My ex MIL has ds (5 yo) for weeks at a time in the holidays (she and ex dh took him to India for 2 weeks last year, I didn't go) and he truly loves her and is happy with her. Yes, I miss him sometimes when he goes to stay with her but I (mostly) love their closeness and I know she loves him as much we do and can be completely trusted to look after him.

He is also the first grandchild (and a boy) born to the only son and this does make a difference, as you know! You know, I think I would try to involve them and see them as much as I could cope with but I do know it can be hard at first. I remember crying the first time MIL had ds for the night, I felt I was betraying him and was an awful mother but I so needed a short break and looking back, why not? They all thought I was strange feeling that way whereas my mum understood. As you can tell from the above, I've got used to it. Which isn't to say you'll feel the same, I know.

It is a nice thing they're trying to do really, they want to be allowed to be proud of their grandson and they want everyone to see him. I do think you will be respected as the mother too, as Arabella says. I was told off by MIL for being up and about too soon as she thought I should have been waited on for 40 days and nights or something. I should have held DH to that one! I do know how you feel but I would keep trying to find compromises I think. You may even find you're touched by their love for your ds in the future and they will be incredibly loving and available babysitters I suspect. Good luck with the birth, do come and tell us how it was. Hope there's something helpful in my ramblings above.

Thanks all for those suggestions. i was particularly amused at the option of developing some kind of post - birth lunacy which requires total rest and relaxation. V. tempting!!!
arabella and www - thanks so much for your input, think you should get together and write a survival guide for marrying into indian families as they can be a law unto themselves. It's really useful to get a perspective from someone who's been through these things and has found coping mechanisms. Have not yet broached the subject of not having a "naming ceremony" in the Gurdwara yet, in fact we have decided on names already, to keep the peace have picked indian names which can be "anglicised" as we (or baby) want. Hope they appreciate the gesture!