Why am I such an awful mother.

[concerned]

My DS will be 4 in a few weeks. He is the only child. I am going to be honest with you, I don't like beind a mother, I am mid 20's, married to a great man. My dh works from 7am till 7pm, that time he is away and I am alone with my ds is horrible at times.

I plonk him in front of the telly, while I do something else, even if he asks me for a drink, i tut like its too much effort. I go on the internet, read mags, but do not do anything really with my ds except maybe take him to the park.

I have such a loving son, but lately he is really playing up, I know its because he wants some attention from me, but I am not interested in giving it. I often read these posts and probably expect some nasty replies.

I always wanted children, but motherhood is not what I expected it to be.

My sister has ds one evening a week, and whenever I can palm him off on someone to get time alone I will.

I am tearful on times and wonder what my darling little joshua has done to deserve a mother like me, I often try hard to be a better mum, but always slide back into old ways.

I could do with your advice and help

DS is nearly 3 not 4. See can't even get that right.

you may just feel like an awful mother,but if you came to see me at work (im a cpn) and told me exactly what youve just written i would tell you that to me you sound as though you are suffering with depression.since being a mum i know a few women whio behave as you describe towards their kids and see nothing wrong with,but your attitude seems to be causing you distress and you acknowledge its not how you wish to be acting.please try and see someone to get some help,depression is such a terrible isolating experience and you could either try to see you gp,who may decide antidepressants should be tried or could put you in touch with your local MIND who offer free counselling,if you are depressed there is help out ther.some mums on here have wriiten very personal accounts of their depression,try looking at the pnd threads.good luck,and dont be hard on yourself you have recognised a problem the next step is some professional advice.,

Hi concerned

if you were as bad a mother as you say, you wouldn't even be bothering to post on here about how you're feeling. I think you are being too hard on yourself. I have to confess to feeling the same when my children were younger (they're 11 and 9 now and it IS easier!), but looking after a toddler, especially if you feel you're coping with it on your own, is very hard work! It sounds to me that you are craving some time for yourself, and there's nothing wrong with that. If you are unhappy, it is hard to be a "good mum". Are you able to talk to your dh about how you are feeling? You sound so very down, and you don't have to suffer alone - talk to dh, post here, talk to your doc - there is help and support out there to help you feel better. My thoughts are with you x

I have to agree with ks, work is a lifesaver for me - it's one place where the task in hand is a) possible and b) finite - i can see a result at the end of it. All this in stark contrast to the task of parenthood which never ends and is often a thankless task - well, I never feel I've succeeded at the end of the day anyway. Work gives me a sense of myself as me and not as mum. Is part time work a possibility for you concerned? Or if not that, perhaps going back to study, or something that gives you another focus for at least part of the day would probably help.

concerned - I think you are very brave in being so honest, I am sure a lot of people feel this way at least some of the time, but wouldn't dare admit it. I too am a SAHM with an only son & I also find it incredibly boring at times. I force myself to take him to toddlers once a week, and once a week he goes to a creche (whilst I do areobics), and another morning he is at a childminders - I am using these opportunites for him to be entertained & mix with other children, but also to give myself a break. I think the winter is especially difficult as it gets so dark so early & limits what you can do; in the summer we go out walking a lot which helps.
But this week we have both had colds & I have found it far easier to let him watch videos (although I usually have a 'one video per day' rule!!) and I don't even sit & watch with him - just spend loads of time on Mumsnet!

Good luck, you're definately not a 'bad' mum or you wouldn't even be posting here.

hello concerned. i think there are some excellent comments here already. i will just echo what others have said, and mention that if you were as bad as you think you would be "unconcerned" and not bother posting here! it's not wrong to want time alone. maybe nursery would be a good option for you and joshua.

best wishes

Concerned. I didn't like being a mother either. I discovered that when dd was just 3 months. I was also worried that because I didn't enjoy doing things with her I was a terrible mother. Going back to work was my salvation. I now look forward to every moment I have with dd and really value them. I think there is a lot to be said for quality time (however much of a cliche that is) rather than quantity. It sounds like you need to have a chance to have some time away from your son withiout having to feel guilty about it, as it is that feeling of being so terrible that east away andmeas that you enjoy neither the time with your ds, or the time without him.

And as others have said - the very fact that you are posting about this means that you are nowhere near as bad a mother as you fear

Thank you all for your kind words, I wasn't expecting too much, I did think I would get some awful comments, my ds goes to play school 4 times a week, each 2 hr sessions. Not possible to get a job for those 2 hours, and the playschool is a little while away.

We do all have colds so I think that probably isn't helping much. I have suffered from PND but have been off my pills for about 12 months now. I would hate to have to go on them again, but maybe that is what it will take.

I do not want my son to suffer, I do love him so much, and when he tell me that he loves me it makes me feel wonderful, then 2 minutes later, I am getting at him again.

Thanks

concerned, you are not a bad mum at all, looking after small children day in day out by yourself can be very difficult. Can I just echo Lindy's advice about putting your DS in a creche and doing aerobics or something. Up until recently my DH was away almost the same hours yours, tended to be home as 6pm, (he now works from home) this was my lifesaver then and is my lifesaver now. It was just great to get that hour to myself and the aerobics made me feel good, gave me more energy and did a little bit to combat my chocolate addiction. I would also visit the doc as well. All the best.

Today was a worse day, made the effort to take him to the park, and tried to give him all my attention today, in fact his behaviour was worse. I really am at my wits end. I have booked an appointment with the doctor, not until next thursday though. Had suffered PND in the past, but not taken pills for 6 months, maybe I have just slipped back again. Don't want to take pills though.

You're NOT an awful mother. I'll be embarking on being at home in the not too distant future and am quite terrified. I've gone back to work after both dds within three months and am not very good at spending lots of time with them. You've been massively honest which is incredibly brave. I'd really recommend a visit to the doctor - you've had pnd before so may still be suffering from it. I truly believe some mothers are born natural - I really wasn't. Can your dh try to get home more/can you organise a short break to really talk to him about it. Stop feeling guilty. I really hope you have a good w/end. And stop being so hard on yourself.

Can you either get him a nursery place or with a childminder? Sounds like you need quality time for yourself. Didn't you work before you had him and could you go back part time? It's bl*dy hard looking after a child, the responsibility is enormous, plus it's hard thinking what to do with them. Sounds like you're not doing such a bad job, if he's a lovely boy. I find that if I make the effort, it's tiring but ends up rewarding. Ask friends for suggestions of activities you could do together. I sometimes feel I'm a lousy mum, but it's because I'm not sure what things to do with my DS and whether he's having a good time. Usually they are, as they just like being with us! Please try to get yourself some time, go away for a few days, get your DH to look after him. Hope I've helped. As with all motherly things, don't forget, you're not alone and others are going through the same things as you.xxxx

What did you do before you became a mother? Did you like it? Did it make you happy? I think you may be temperamentally suited to being a busy working mother. People who work in nurseries and as nannies usually adore children and look after them wonderfully well and enjoy it and get paid for it. Not everyone makes a great fulltime mother and you clearly don't. I'm not being critical - it's like I don't make a great skier or housewife or any number of things. We aren't all the same. Fulltime motherhood is a really recent idea - in the past women either worked or had fulltime childcare. And they were surrounded by family. This 'traditional' thing of being a full time mum, being one on one with your kids all day is very modern and I'm not sure that it is entirely natural, even though I know some people absolutely adore it. Personally, I love working AND being a mother. I work part time, and my nanny, mum and my dh participate in my son's daily care. Some people feel even happier working full time. Maybe that could be you. You truly do sound depressed. Depression is an illness, so needs treatment - ie 'pills'. You wouldn't say you didn't want to take 'pills' if you had diabetes or an infection, would you? They aren't a sign of weakness. You owe it to yourself and your son to find some treatment and/or a way of life that makes you happier. It's not fair on you and it's not fair on your son for things to carry on as they are. BTW, your son has two parents and frankly, I feel his father is ducking out of his responsibilities. 12 hours a day by yourself is very, very hard. Anyone can do their job in normal hours if they have to, IMO. Does your husband have any idea of how desperate you feel? If not, tell him. Frankly, I think he should have noticed by now. Then tell him you need his help. Whether you go back to work or not, you need him to be a father to his son, and that means putting the time in. I feel so strongly about this. My dh cut his hours when we had our son. He'd rather stack shelves than never see him from morning to night. He gives him his bath every night. I cannot imagine being sole carer, every day, all day ad infinitum. I would go mad, truly I would. I love and enjoy my son so much, but I don't think I would if I was in your position.