DH has a fear of water - how can I help?

[Bozza]

My DH is in his 20s and cannot swim - fairly unusual I believe. He has always been reluctant to go in the pool when on holiday which I have put down to feeling awkward just standing around. But since we have had DS he has continued to refuse which I have found rather odd. I have explained to him that although I take DS to a toddler swim session once a week I do not actually swim a stroke. Obviously he understands this but is still unhappy, maybe even phobic about the idea of swimming pools etc.

I am concerned that when we go on holiday DS is going to want to be in the pool all the time as he loves it and this is not going to give me much of a break plus I feel DH will be genuinely missing out on a lot of fun with DS. He has accepted this latter point and we have discussed trying to address the issue. I have suggested that we go to a leisure type pool - slides, slope down into the water etc - and he can stay in the water maybe 15 minutes or so start with. I also offered to go with DS to check the pool out first.

Is this the right approach? Will it work? Also does anyone know of a suitable pool in the Yorkshire area (could probably also manage Manchester)? I know that if I put too much pressure on he will back off.

It sounds like a good approach to me. I'd suggest that he goes a few times without your DS there though so that he's more relaxed and doesn't convey his anxiety to DS.

Bozza' lots of people are water-phobic, so he's not that unusual really.

I used to teach water skills to non swimming adults years ago and to be honest the fact that he's refusing to go in with your son is no surprise at all. If your dh is nervous enough of water not to want to go in, he'll be ten times worse with a child around - he'll be scared of passing on his fear to your son but also will be very concious of not knowing how to react if there is a problem.

I would definitely recommend a softly, softly approach. First try to discover (perhaps from family) what issues your dh has with water. It's very easy for those of us who are competent swimmers to make light of other people's fears - I had some people who spent weeks just building up to walking around the poolside before they were able to walk down the steps.

Don't push it too hard, I think that your idea of trying to make it fun is a good one but it might be an idea to look into adult classes locally - or even you and your dh going to a leisure pool first and leaving ds with a babysitter.

Sorry to be so long-winded but it's a topic really close to my heart !

Bozza I am 30 (ouch !) and can't swim either I have a fear which over the years has got gradually worse and the hard thing for competent swimmers to understand about the likes of myself is that it can leave you sick to the stomache at the very idea of water.
A year ago I decided I was going to conquer it (one of a million things I wanted to achieve before I turned 30), I booked private one on one lessons and physically s**t (sorry but true) myself before them, needless to say I stuck it out for a while but soon gave up.
Sorry if this is long winded but like Twink this is a subject close to my heart.
On a positive note last summer we took our first Sun holiday with dd and I cannot stress the importance of finding a suitable venue. We found a resort which had a variety of pools and one small one which my dd proclaimed "Hers" and was no bigger than a jacuzzi was perfect for me.
Us non-swimmers are only too aware of the ridiculousness of our plight and the possibility of passing that fear on to dd/ds is an appaling idea to us so please have patience with him I think your approach is correct but find a safe environment for you all and he will relax and soon join him once there's no pressure. Sorry so long Good luck

Hands up! I'm a non-swimmer too and have never taken my daughter swimming. My friend has once, and there was a splash pool on holiday which was perfect, but the idea of me going in is a no-no. Feel panicky even if my face gets wet in the shower. Plus it's all the other stuff associated with the baths - why has it suddenly become compulsory to have communal changing rooms? Am I the only one who would really prefer a private cubical?

I can swim fine and am happy in the water under my own terms which means no splashing or dunking or things like water slides . I did not want my children to be like this so we've taken DS1 & 2 to swimming lessons since they were babies. The result of this is that DS1 can swim 5m and he's not yet 4 (I didn't acheive this until I was 10) and DS2 (nearly 2) can jump in off the side by himself and come up for air. It's the best thing I've spent money on for them. Through necessity, I've got better at being splashed since taking the boys swimming

And yes, Tinker, I prefer private cubicles although since childbirth & swimming lessons in school pools, I find I'm much less shy about flashing myself in 'public'.

Bozza you're right he will be missing out on a lot if he doesn't try.My aunty only learnt to swim in her early 40's with adult lessons.Has he had a bad experience when he was younger in the water.I nearly drowned when I was 12 when I got out of my depth in the sea and still hate deep water and can't swim unless I'm at the edge of the pool.Your ds is still little isn't he so perhaps he will enjoy taking him soon they usually love it.I agree that swimming lessons are a good idea.Can you force the issue by actually booking some so he'll have to give it a go?

Bozza, I don't think he is that unusual - it's just such a shame this was not picked up at school. Until I was 8 I could not swim and was petrified of water, but a few lessons in a small group in our local hydrotherapy pool really helped. I can now swim 1000 metres on a good day and love it. But I still remember that fear.
I think you're absolutely right that a nice leisure pool, with warm, thigh-deep water is going to be a good way for him to start overcoming his anxiety. The 33 metre ice-baths of our childhood are a terrifying experience still.
Don't know of anything up your way, I'm afraid. But I think special classes (hope the instructors are all as nice as Twink!) for nervous adult learners are available nationwide.

Me too - I hate water, can't really swim and detest having water splashed in my face (I too struggle with showers). I take ds to swimming `lessons' (for under 2's at local pool) every week though. At first, I was worried he would pick up my fear but so far so good, and he seems to enjoy it. We started going swimming when he was quite young (4 or 5 months I think) so maybe he was a bit too young to realise how nervous I was. The first few times we went with a group of sympathetic friends (from my antenatal class) who knew how I felt and this made me feel less terrified. We went to a pool with shallow steps so I could just walk in, and at first I spent most of the time sitting on the steps in very shallow water, splashing ds up and down. I then got more confident and took him into deeper water. Although I still dislike going I am finding it easier than I did at first. Personally, I would find the idea of going to proper swimming lessons, even those for nervous adults, totally terrifying, so this may not be the answer for your dh Bozza (then again, he might be OK with it).

HTH

Thanks everyone for the ideas. From our discussions DH doesn't seem that interested in learning to swim but would like to be able to enjoy time in the water with DS as gingernut describes. I've been taking DS every week since he was a few months old and he's very confident in the water although he doesn' yet make much effort to swim - just bobs around in his arm bands with his legs crossed!

I'm not sure whether the changing rooms would be much of an issue for him. He has said that when DS gets to an age for swimming lessons he would be willing to take him, change him and watch from the balcony etc. He is quite bitter that he cannot swim - feels he has been overlooked when he went with school etc. Apparently his parents couldn't swim although his Dad learned when in his 30s - so there is a family precendent.

I think I will do as planned and then report back. Thanks again everyone