Fighting in front of ds

[Nicola03]

If I could kick my own butt right now, I would.. I feel so bad about myself. (changed my name by the way).

Basically a few things at home have been brewing for a little while, and tonight dh and I had a fight about half an hour before ds went to bed.(he's 30 months old) . I guess I started it, but as I said, it's stuff that's been building up for a while. Anyway about six months ago I promised myself that dh and I would not fight in front of ds, because I know it's not a nice thing for a child to witness. Well tonight all that went out the window... we were shouting at each other and even though I knew that ds was getting a bit agitated, I just carried on - I just wanted to get it off my chest.

When I put ds to bed a little while later, I gave him a hug and said "Mummy's sorry for shouting" and told him how much I love him. I didn't think he would understand very much but I wanted to tell him I was sorry. Anyway, he looked at me in all innocence and repeated back to me some of what I had said to dh during the fight, even a swear word that I had used. I was so shocked that he had taken it in, even if he doesn't understand what it means. I just can't describe how bad I feel... I can't believe how bloody pathetic adults can be sometimes in front of their kids. I really do not want this to happen again... thanks for listening and I hope I'm not the only idiot who has done this. :{

Nicola, you are not the only 'idiot' who has done this! I try not to argue in front of my kids, and I try not to lose my rag with them, but I'm human and have a volatile temper so I don't always succeed.

I think you did the right thing apologising to your ds later. I've always been amazed how much my kids have understood and taken in.

At the end of the day people fight, and our children will have to learn about that. I think it's very important that they see how we handle the aftermath as adults. I don't know if you and your dh have made up, but kids need to see that you can argue but still be civilized afterwards, that it's not the end of the world.

Hope I'm making some sense here! It's horrid when this happens, isn't it?

No nicola, you are not the only one to have done this, i have done this on a number of occasions, i try hard not to but sometimes i blow my top and thats it.

He is very bright and often comes out with things that make me feel worse, like did daddy make you cross again, or you shouted and gave me a head-ache. I know it is not nice, but it is not a regular thing and think that he understands that to some degree.

nicola 03

i know it is a horrible thing and you will feel bad about it - i have on the few occassions that we have had real biggy rows. BUT I think what has been said by Azzie and Breeze is right - fighting is part of life and in some ways there is some positivity to take out of it - if your son realises that sometimes people fight - but they also make up and can still love eachother - then there is some good in that.

I definately think you did the right thing by apologising to him also. Maybe you could make a point of apologising to eachother in front of ds also???

Try not to be too hard on yourself - there are far worse things that could happen (not meaning to belittle this however, as it does make you feel really really horrible when it happens).

I think I have heard that Raj Persaud, the celebrity psychiatrist has said people who are exposed to a lot of emotion (good and bad) end up being the most well-balanced. Psychologically speaking. So, it probably hasn't scarred him for life but will make him a better rounded person.

I too feel rubbish after rowing in front of my DS, especially the frightened look on his face but am not perfect enough to control myself. Just thinking that those years of witnessing my lunatic parents fight has done me so much good that at least I feel bad when I do it to my own child..

I can sort of see how that might be, clucks. If you haven't witnessed emotions then you've never learnt how to deal with them.

This is not an excuse for letting rip in front of our kids whenever we feel like it, of course, but does seem to make some sense.

My parents fought a lot; my dh's parents kept everything bottled up. I cope much better with arguments than he does. A small sample of one agrees with that theory!