A listening ear

[shellye]

Not sure where to post this but here goes. I am currently a SAHM of 1DD who starts school in September. I chose to give up my career as a nursing sister with a view to going back in the future. I have been fortunate enough not to be forced back to work as my husband earns well. So what is the problem? I am going stir crazy. I am sure there are plenty of mums who would love to be in my position. I feel worthless. I feel like a hotel manager. I run my house how I ran my hospital ward. My husband now does not want me to rock the boat and go back to work. He thinks this will be disruptive to him. We have no family to do child care so that would be an issue in school holidays. I would work part-time so I could continue to look after house/husband/daughter. I am 39 years old and feel like my life is over. Am I alone? Any job suggestions? Any advice greatly received.

I feel like this sometimes. I think everyone does. That's why I decided to 'try' to do an ou course. When your dd goes to school you will have a lot more time on your hands anyway.

My dd also starts school in September and it feels a bit like a mid-life crisis. I haven't had any time to think about myself all these years (I have 2 children) and now it feels like a big void out there.

But I cannot go to work, I have my ds who is disabled and I don't feel I can trust anyone to look after him in the hols, and anyway, there are loads of hospital appointments to attend etc.

So, I have decided to invest in some "me" time. I am going to enjoy my freedom, and do things I have always wanted to do. In my case its take up veg gardening, do the odd course etc. It sounds a bit like being retired, but that's no shame, is it?!

I'm in a simialr position, only have an older DS as well as DD who starts school in sept - I've hit the big 40 as well! My job would not be able to be done part time and wouldn't fit round school holidays. I feel loathed to have to resort to child care at this stage having survived the SAHM for nearly 7 years!! I would therefore have to find a completely different type of job too. I think I am going to be bored witless at home. I hate housework etc and get no satisfaction from that sort of thing. I feel I have achieved very little over the past 7 years. You are not alone shellye. like you I feel I cannot moan aas I know I am very fortunate and many women would gvie an arm or leg to be in my position.

If you really want to go back to work, f/t or p/t, then it's unfair of your dh to stand in the way. Could you talk to him about the positives about going back to work? Especially the excellent role model you will provide for your dd.

NHS will do annualised hours, which means you can work PT during term time only etc. Usually easier for nursing than admin posts- are you still regsitered?

can you put yourself up for term-time bank work?

Or is your H worried that you might have to do shifts?

Can you re-train so that you can do a job that doesn't involve shiftwork? How about training to be a massage therapist for example? you can work from home or in a clinic or go to hospices or whatever really - very flexible and you can choose your hours. Plus you still get to be helping people. If massage is too complementary for you, what about occupational therapy? I know that is much longer in terms of training but I believe the hours are more regular.

Disruptive to him how??
Loads of work out there that is flexible and will work well round school hours and holidays. Sit down with a big sheet of paper and get scribbling! Ask yourself a few questions - do you want to return to nursing, similar related career using those skills (community care, home help etc) or try something totally new? Indoors work, outdoors, part of a team, work from your own home or travel - think about the area you live, how is travel and what are the job ops like nearby? What about retraining - would it be a good idea to look into gaining a new qualification first or would you think about previous qualifications that are skill transferable?
What about combining it all and considering something like a role as school nurse - holidays and school hours only, bit of cash, out of the house and still with time for the housework and family life. Alternatively, if money is not an option, what about voluntary work? Loads of fantastic opportunities there, especially with your background.

Its good to know I am not the only one feeling like this. I do have lots of hobbies that keep me going and I do a little office work for my husband. It just seems not enough. Its hard to explain really and I think thats why my husband doesn't really understand. For most men after children are born, their lives remain unchanged in a lot of ways. They continue to lead the same lives. For 10 hours a day or more they escape to a job which keeps their identity well intact. The SAHM has completely changed, but until you experience long periods of being at home, how can they possibly understand. Most men treat the home like a hotel. Food on the table, clothes washed and ironed. Nice tidy house. For someone with a brain this has now become the most unfulfilling job I have ever done. Maybe thats a bit selfish of me but I was a manager with a budget and decisions to make. The only thing I decide now is what we eat for supper! I have become a great cook though!!(trying to think positive)

Nursing is not an option as I gave up my registration in December last year. At the moment my husband does nothing round the house and doesn't get involved too much in child care because he is not around much. He has a stressful job and has said that he needs me at home to support him eg being a house keeper! And if he has to go into work urgently he doesn't have to worry about child care because I am here. I would need a job that was totally flexible round school hours and holidays.