feeling lonely

[webmum]

I?ve just come back from a little get together with 2 friends and oddly, I now feel lonelier than before.....do you ever get the feeling that no one ever understands you completely??
maybe I?m asking too much but I miss having a friends who is similar to me, who believes in the same things, a bit like dh, only female. it?s not like I don?t have friends, I do, but some live too far away to be able to see them even once a week, those that are close, I just don?t seem to share the same view on life with them, we obviously have a few things in common, but sometimes I miss someone with whom I could share everything, that we could do lots of things together.
maybe I?m asking too much, maybe a perfect soulmate does not exist for me, maybe I should just be happy to have many friends, who together have all the things I would look for in one....or maybe I?m just having a bad day....

I have spent the last 18 months feeling totally the same as you. Before dd I worked full time and had a good social life in the City. Since dd I am back to work 3 days but have to get home so don't social at all via work. When I first had dd I used to meet up with my large postnatal group and attend lots of other groups on a regular basis and to be honest, hated it. I didn't feel I had much in common with any of the mums and started to think perhaps it was me who had the problem. Everyone else seemed to get on really well. In the end I stopped going and was glad to get back to work. Now I just go to a mother and toddler group once a week which dd enjoys and although everyone is quite friendly I haven't found a "soulmate" either. I've concluded that I'm not very good in large groups. I would just like to meet someone who lived nearby who I could just pop round for a coffee and a chat or organise days out together. I have one sister who I am close two but she lives an hour away and is very busy with two young boys. It doesn't help that my mum passed away 4 years ago and without getting too deep and depressing I think I miss the close relationship I had with her. Anyway sorry to ramble on - its just nice to know I'm not the only one who hasn't settled into this social mumsey thing!

webmum,
I know just what you mean .... I don't have one friend who I can share everything with (dh doesn't even come close). In my pre-dd days I did have a friend like that but although she is a mum as well (and still a friend), we are poles apart on many things now and consequently nowhere near as close. Sometimes this bothers me but mostly I think that as we all move on and change then I should make the most of the other friends I have and who knows, maybe one day I'll come across that soulmate somewhere.
Maybe you're right - you're just feeling a bit down today and tomorrow you'll feel differently ...

Personally, I do think it's a bit much to ask for a friend who is just like you in every way (not a criticism AT ALL, I'm sure you're great). I suspect most of us have a smallish range of friends who 'fit' with different aspects of ourselves. I have friends who understand my work life, friends I have known for donkey's years, 'mummy' friends. I think that's normal. Mind you, I wouldn't expect anyone to understand me completly - even me!

I agree. I have posted on another thread about my lack of 'mummy' friends and felt alien amongst my pre DS pals. This is still a difficult area for me because of my many commitments leaving me little socialising time. However, I have made an effort and been to a M & T group (and moaned about the dirty toys etc. just can't help whingeing.) and met pleasant people I would not normally socialise with. I too, do not have a bosom buddy as in single, manhunting days etc. but also seem to have so little time anyway.

Life is still lonely for me until I realise that I am constantly having to cancel/put people off because of poor time management on my part. Perhaps it would help if I spent less time on mumsnet and actually got out and made visible friends.

Anyway, probably not been helpful, but you are not alone.

webmum, I know what you mean about finding a soulmate amongst other mums - I think it's a very diffucult thing to achieve. I look back to my teens, twenties and half of my thirties, my pre-child days when I had lots of time for friendships and spontaneous arrangements. No shortage of soulmates then.

Now, however, much as I'd like the idea of a soulmate - the sort of friend you pour your heart out too - I don't think I could cope with the reality. Firstly there's the time aspect - I have far less time to nurture friendships, but also it's something else. Call it family loyalty I suppose. It took me ages to come round to this way of thinking, but quite frankly I don't want want a.n.other to know about all the small ups and downs of my family life and my relationships. While I will happily talk about my dh and children I do not want to reveal everything. As someone said to me, make a complaint about your partner or child to a friend, and they might remember it long after you have forgotten it. I am no longer a lone agent as I was in my pre child days - my life is bound up with others and I have to think of their feelings too. IMO that changes friendships - you still want that closeness but not in such a spill the beans type of way. Hopefully you can find friends who are sensitive to you without being constant confidents. I am lucky in that I have some mum friends like this, but I don't believe they would want me to share everything with them or visa versa.

That's very true Tigermoth. Since ds, I feel very protective towards my family unit, and don't want to winge about dh like I used to pre-marriage and ds. I know we all moam here, but it is usually because we don't know the other posters, so it doesn't 'matter'.

However, I do miss having a close friend. I used to go clubbing with one close friend pre families, and she was the one person that I could tell anything to without being judged. We grew apart a bit, but have started seeing each other again a bit more, as she is now more local to me. It is great seeing her, but things are not the same. She wants to go out one evening, just the two of us (not clubbing, we're too old for that now!), which will hopefully bring us closer again. The trouble is that our dh's don't particularly get on, so we don't socialise as couples.

I seem to be one of these women who lets people get too close too quickly, and then they let me down in some way. I am constantly asking dh what is wrong with me, and why I don't have many friends. He tells me that I expect them to be as considerate in their friendship as me, and that I expect too much. I have a few 'mummy' friends, most of whom I knew pre-ds, who now have children of their own. I suppose webmum, what I am trying to say is that I understand, and have felt the same as you many a time. I can't help, as I am still trying to tentatively make friends with people via Mother/Toddler groups, but am taking things slowly! Good luck.

thanks for your answers, I did not mean I wanted a friend who was 'exactly' like me, poor thing, but someone who enjoys the same things, the trouble is I remember my group of friends as a teenager and student, we were enjoyed the same things..clubbing, window shopping, gym, travelling, even the fact that I was the only one with a boyfriend for long years never got in teh way, and now, well I guess the problem is that I now live abroad, most of my friends were work related and I'm now at home, most of them are also childless and live far away and even though we keep in touch it's not the same.

maybe it's because I feel stuck at home all the time with dd, and it's nice most of the time, but some days seem endless (especially in winter), and I'd like to go swimming with someone but don't know anyone who'd come with me and when I go to shopping malls I'm always on my own and I see other mums who always have friends with them.....

The bottom line is that I'm finding it difficult bringing up a child on my own (I hardly ever see dh during the week and sometimes not even at weekends) without any family around me and only a couple of friends who live close by. Hence I think if I had a really close friend who shared most of my likes and dislikes and routines I could see this friend every day and I'd feel less lonely....

sorry this post has become really depressing, I don't usually cry for myself, but as someone said this is a safe place to do it as no one knows and I need to take it out somewhere...

thank you for your support...it's exactly a year since I've discovered mumsnet and I find it's been the greatest help in this motherhood thing yet.

webmum, haven't read the whole thread so apologies if I'm repeating someone but have you tried mother and toddler groups? I made the big mistake (for me, anyway) of thinking I wouldn't have anything in common with the women at these, since I wasn't a 'proper' mummy and would be getting my old self back sometime soon. Hmmm. And so for the first 2 years of ds' life I didn't know any mums and was very isolated. The old friends were still there but my life had changed radically and theirs hadn't, or not in the same way. Anyway, once I started meeting other mums I discovered that there were some I liked and could more than tolerate over the swings and beans on toast and it did get better. All I can suggest is continued optimism and getting out and about as much as you can. I met women I really liked in the most unlikely places - once while sitting in the middle of a shopping centre I got chatting to a woman (with a child), we really clicked (hate that word but can't think of a better one) and it turned out she lived 2 minutes away from me. I hope things get better for you, I do know what you mean about the loneliness. I don't think, from reading your last post, that you do need a friend you can see every day, but if you met a few new people you could still see someone adult every day. I hope it gets better soon.

sorry you are feeling so down webmum and with your dh being away so much, no wonder you feel alone.I hope my last message did not sound harsh, it wasn't really directed at you personally - I was making an observation, but rather rushed yesterday so didn't express myself well. Apart from telling you to all the usual stuff about broadening your social circle by joining clubs etc and being proactive in inviting other mothers round I don't know what else to say apart from keep trying and good luck and sympathy.

I hope suedonim picks up on this message - she (and some others here) has some experience of living abroad and having to make friends from scratch.

Someone here once made the point that you have to accept that some people you approach will never become friends - you just don't gell - but not to let this get you down - just know when to give up gracefully and move on till you find those who are friendship material.

Hope you get lots of help here - at least imo, that's one antidote to feeling lonely.

Hi Webmum, have only just seen your thread and had to say I know exactly exactly what you mean ! It's not so much having a friend just like you - but one with the same values. I have exactly the same problem ! Basically everyone I've met through my dd has just been different to me - not that I'm anything special but they just aren't like me !

For example - our house is what I think of as a cosy family home - full of books, toys, photos, old bits of furniture mixed with new - some a bit shabby but much loved, candles everywhere etc etc - but every house I've been to belonging to other local mums has been immaculate - no books or papers anywhere, toys all kept upstairs, fabulously neat and tidy - but SO-o-o lacking in warmth. And the conversations are so dull !

Yet - I travel hundreds of miles to see old school or university friends and lo and behold their houses are just like mine ! What is that ? What is going on ?

I have resigned myself to the fact that I had better stick with my oldest friends and accept that I will have long drives and overnight stays to do so. It's not so bad - at least my neighbours say Hello to me now after we held a New Years drinks party - before that they blanked me at close range - and I'm not a horrid person either !

Yes, I know what you mean ? webmum and scatterbrain. But I find one of my problems is that not only am I rarely finding other mums to 'gel' with, many of my old friends don't have kids and I'm in danger of drifting away from them too. I know there have been threads about friends without children & I must go and have a look at them. Perhaps this has been said before, but there's nothing that changes you so much as having a child and, during those first few years they just seem to take up so much of your energy ? both emotional and physical. And you don't have the time ? or necessarily the interest ? to do all those things you used to do in your former life. I sometimes feel that I'm slipping dangerously between the two stools, and it's a lonely place to be. Sorry to sound so depressing ? just the way I feel today.
And not much help to anyone else, either.

Scatterbrain - thank God - I am normal!! I agree that you go to other parents houses and they seem like show homes - do their kids not play? I left my house this morning with dd's 'class' i.e. various dolls, teddies etc. sitting in a circle in my lounge - each with a book as it was 'story time' and a pool table on my dining room table. MIL is picking them up from school tonight and she will be horrified as her house is showhome - I always describe mine as a 'family home' another description of a tip!! Have to agree that I find it difficult to have a close friend but it is getting easier to have friends as the kids get older, met a couple of ladies whilst standing watching my ds playing rugby - we have a great laugh - I suppose I am bound to find someone like me whilst squelching about in mud - all those with the immaculate homes wouldn't be there!!

Just wait a few years - your kids will grow into the best company possible if mine are anything to go by. My dd is 14 and a joy to be with (most of the time...).

Dear all

thank you so much for all the messages of sympathy, it does make me feel better, on top of that I went to see a friend this morning who's recently had a baby and she asked me to be godmother to her dd and this has really made my day. I almost burst into tears!!! (she's one of those friends who lives far from me)

So my mood is definitely better today.

Mother and baby groups, tried a few ones, but again, apart from the odd chat nothing came of it. I've been going to Tumle Tots since dd was 7 months (she's now 20) and no better luck there.
I do know a couple of mothers and once a week we tend to meet at someone's house but that's it. We all have different lifestyles, different childcare arrangements and everything becomes so difficult.

Anyway, I'll cut it short this time as I'm feeling much better, and it's friday and dh is at home for 2 full days!!!!

lots of love to everyone, mumsnet is agreat place!!!

Webmum I'm so glad you started this thread. There are weeks when I feel so lonely in all the ways you and Scatterbrain described (and others). Glad to know I'm not alone in feeling this way at times. I do the various groups with my children but at times I feel so lonely when I'm there and when I come away sometimes I wonder if I scare others away because I possibly appear so desparate!! Then other times it seems everyone comes over to talk to just me or when you meet them in the street and they cross to talk to me and then I do it and feel that I'm a pain sometimes. Anyway nice to know you have some more happy times ahead with being a godparent!

Read Babyville by Jane Green. I found it really comforting to read about characters experiencing all the conflicting emotions I was - and I wasn't the only person stupid enough not to realise that you can bag up babyfood after freezing in trays!

That book was great, wasn't it prufrock! My MIL gave it to me for Christmas and it was scarily accurate in places but gave me a good laugh (at my own expense in places too!)

I read that too and would recommend it, it's great!
Any other good books?

webmum, congratulations on becoming a godparent and hope you are having a good weekend with your dh.

Copper, I saw your post earlier and was thinking about it when I was out with my two sons this morning. I so agree with you about older children being such good companions. I love listening to my 8 year old's chatter and really hope he and I are still as close when he's 14 years old, too. Before I had children I was a bit of a loner - I liked spending my weekend days out and about alone. My dh and I often went our separate ways during the days - we had differeint interests. Now I can already see how much I will miss my sons company when they grow up and fly the nest. By the time my oldest son is 14( just six years from now) I'm sure I will be thinking 'this is the end of it, just a few more years, and then he'll be gone' I feel sad just thinking about it. My closest friends or even my dh will not be able to take his place. I'll have a few more years watching my youngest son grow up then that's it

I second that, congrats Webmum. It's great being a godparent.

Don't you find you hear the comments from parents of the previous generation (e.g Aunts) always saying, "oh well it's so much easier now days I don't know why you complain about being lonely and having no time to get out and do things"... what they forget is that in 'their' day, none of the women in the family worked and they rallied around for you all the time, so there probably wasn't a day when they didn't see someone.
(get's off soap box, hunts for non-existant chocolate...)

Webmum, have you told your dh how you feel? Could he not cut back his work hours or make that bit of extra effort to be home at the weekends? It still amazes me how companies are so unfriendly towards families, especially fathers. It's as if they don't think men have a wife and kids at home at all!

Re: the mums and tots groups. Keep going! I hated them when I first went, and I still do really, the only reason I go is for dd's sake as I know she needs to mix with other kids. It would drive us both insane if we spent 24 hours a day just in each others company! I go to a toddler group in my local church hall and was going for a whole year before I made a friend. Even then I don't see her every day or even every week, more often than not I just see her at the toddler group and she's someone to chat to. Sometimes me and dd go to hers for lunch and she comes here, and dd went to her dd's birthday party last week. But what I'm trying to say is maybe you are expecting too much from a friend? I don't know many people who have friends they see every day.

It's a bit like attracting men, if you come across as too keen or eager, it will put people off. Even if you think you are being relaxed, somehow people pick up on your inner thoughts. It's not until you start to relax and think "What the hell if I don't find a friend, at least I have somewhere to go every week" that you start meeting people.

Also, could you not pay a babysitter to come once a month to give you and dh time to go out? Our NCT run a babysitting circle that is free, but there are other groups that cost around £5 an hour. It seems to me that you need your confidence boosting and time to chill out, a night with your dh could be just the thing.

Don't fret too much. I was pretty much writing your email last year, but now I'm much more contented. I don't have any 'new friends' as such, but my attitude has changed enormously. Things do change, you will not be in this position next year, and when your dd reaches school age you'll have a lot more time for yourself. HTH.

Rhubarb thanks for the encouragement, and the advice, I know things will not always look so gloom, and today is a better day, but when you're feeling down you just don't see the end of it.
Part of teh reason things are looking better is taht I've finally found a part-time job, not my ideal job, surely will never get rich with this one, but it will make me feel productive again, and I'll meet new people, and it'll be good to use my brain again other than for finding a way to make dd eat her dinner!!!!

As for going out with dh, we do go out about once a month on our own or with friends. It's not really about getting time for myself, as dd goes to nursery 3 mornings a week anyway, as I said before, is having a friend to do things with, like shops, the gym, or have lunch together with or without the children..

Anyway, things are looking better, can't wait to start my new job (I even look forward to the commuting, so I have time to read!!), and 2003 is definitely promising for now!!!

sueanna I agree completely about previous generations, the fact is I don't think they had time to feel lonely, they had lots of kids and housework to do, but they also usually lived close to their families, and it was always full of people around them!!