If I ask nicely nothing gets done, if I nag some stuff is done reluctantly, if I lose my rag stuff gets done but everyone is grumpy, if I don't nag nothing gets done, what's the solution??

[yorkshirepudding]

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Here are some tips...
(all plagarised from a book I am reading)

Write notes and leave in their room. These are for kids, not adults BTW. You can't train him.

Don't make long naggy requests for things to get done. Point out whats currently happening in your kitchen for example.' 'there are cornflakes on the floor, David', or 'Your shoes are on the table' Then THEY have to come up with the solution.

Or, just one word 'SHOES!'
But I think others just don't see the mess the way we do....

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Create a list of house rules. Get everyone to sit down and agree to them together so you're all bought in. Anyone not obeying the house rules has to put a pound into a jar. (or a sum of some description for DD).

I think if you have set out some house rules and they aren't followed, you can then legitimately say: oi, rules mate. That way you're not really nagging, you're just reminding them of the rules.

Sit your DH down and ask him for a solution to the problem. Point out to him that the problem will not be solved by him ignoring you until you shut up and do the domestic work, and in fact if he carries on treating you as a domestic applicance, the one chore you will no longer to is let him have sex with you. (there are a few surveys, facts, figures etc which demonstrate that men who don't treat their female partners like housework machines get more and better sex.)

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Maidamess, thanks for that reminder!! I have the same problem with my DDs and have been trying to think of a solution! I had forgotten about sticky notes! My DSM, having tired of nagging us all, used to leave sticky notes everywhere! From the usual gripes such as 'Shut the door' (this did progress to 'shut the bloody door!') to instructions such as 'don't forget to shut the chickens in' or 'supper is in the oven, leave some for me', if she was out. There is also the advantage of being able to respond/update the notes - a good sense of humour greatly enhances this solution!

Unfortunately with my DP the screaming tantrums (on my part) if he hasn't done what I consider sufficient housework are the most effective way to get things done. I don't like it. Would rather not even have to ask.

i do the "too tired for sex" if I feel I've done too much cleaning. That's effective.

is that the How to talk" book maidamess?!

I write notes for DS1

Mine are younger than your DD but I say things like "Let's clear this up then" and get them, started.

As far as the bringing in cups etc - you have to keep on until they do it out of habit. I have done this with breakfast dishes and even if they don['t do anything I else, they do know that they have to bring their dishes into the kitchen!

give them specific tasks

dh works a long way away and he does a shit load of fuck all during the week.

he does

cook one day

sort out the bins ( recycling and put them out)

iron his own stuff always

iron the kids uniform on monday morning

puts washed clothes away

( so basically the small shit i fucking hate hate doing!) every little helps

kids have a chore each

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soz to take this to a less amusing level - but i think post-its are an abhorrance to the whole thing

its not rocket science

housework is not a career

washing pots

hoovinring

emptying the bin

doesn't require much brain power

this is more about how he respects you and your home

fuck all to do with post its

you need a serious family discussion

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yorkshire I know how you feel, my DH sounds pretty much the same are yours though he does cook several times a week at least (have two DSs but they are 3 and 1 so bit young to do much).
Not sure what to suggest, but yes I would agree talk to him and perhaps agree a schedule he will stick to, not sure how to enforce it, am no expert myself sadly...

I like the book maidamess is talking about, but I am not convinced by the notes thing. I suppose it might kind of work with children, but with a partner you would have to tread very carefully. I never like those jokey notes and emails that people send at work - the ones about refilling the printer and doing the washing up and not eating somebody else's cheese.

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YP, have this situation here too. I feel that on the options you missed out 'do it yourself (due to exasperation at repeated ignored requests) and feel resentful' which is, I'm afraid, the default option in our house.

It consumes less energy to do it myself than to ask him, put up with his huff, have him do a crap job and then sort it out myself afterwards.

He is genuinely useless at household anything but runs a sucessful international business, it's as if he deems my requests not important enough to bother with. In his defense he is away 75% of the time.

He mowed the lawn, every weekend that he is home from US he does it. Everytime I remind him to clear next doors cat crap off the grass, last time he just put it in the flower bed! This time because I didn't ask him he didn't clear it and we have shredded cat crap all over the front grass. I clear it up every time the DC play out there, I would have done it if he'd said he didn't want to, but I wrongly presumed that at 48 he was up to the job of shoveling up a few turds.

I still cannot unfold/fold a pram/pushchair or fit a car seat, use a drill or anything other than a chainsaw, with which he occaisionally decimates my hedges/trees.

I have assumed the role of 'man' in the house - even have to sort out/start/fix the lawn mower for him most times - so I have lost my respect for him as a man and no longer fancy him in the same way. Which is a great shame.

No advice, only empathy.

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i think you will find it consumes less energy to not do it at all

this "they are rubbish" is shit and a lable they are happy with becuase it gets them out of doing booooooooooooring mediocre shit jobs that only stupid women would do becuase they truly honestly believe that their partners.husbands are incapable

i didn't come with a genetic code " can hoover"

i didn't get married and have a handbook " how to cook, wash and clean after your family"

you are letting them get away with this shit

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i suggest you tell him its not fucking rocketscience and to stop being a shit - its not your fucking favourite Past time either, and it shows respect for your feelings by completing something you consider to be a priority - like emptying the bin before it over flows.

you would and do ( i assume) extemd him the same coutasy of thinking about his wants and needs throughout the day - it wouldnt be too much of a stretch for him to be able to whip the vac around the living room - children can do it.

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The Gentlest Otter in the world went ballistic today at her tribe of trolls. (The messy house-pig type not the internetty type)

Dh house-pigs stuff is again on the lawn. There are lists made on who HAS to do what. And they HAVE to do it or else I will burn everything they have.

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o what I do when it all gets too much and I am on the verge of explosion (and that means them not me....I dream up marvelous ways of exploding them all!!)

I write down all the jobs that need doing.....they all come along and tick off the ones they will do. and they cannot just pick the easy ones either, there are rules to this ticking off....

also, there are 'pink' and 'blue' jobs in our house, (and lilac). I do all pink (toilets are one, he just cannot do toilets), he does all blue (bins is one!), lilac is either (hoovering and cooking).

seems to work, until I am hormonal and then any way I say goes, regardless of unreasonableness........