Would you consider taking on relatives' children in this situation?

[Stressedmum6761]

Hello 👋 I'm not expecting anyone to have been in this situation before but even if someone could tell me what they would do it would really be appreciated.

My cousin is a drug addict and has been in an on off relationship with her baby daddy for years, also a drug addict and a violent thug who has beaten her up on multiple occasions. However for some reason she will defend and go back to him every single time, I'm thinking it's co-dependency for the drugs.

They have 2 children, a 5 year old with additional needs (global delay, autism and ADHD) and a 16 month old. The poor kids have been through the ringer with those 2 as parents in their little lives, living in a slum of a house and watching their parents fist fight constantly. Being passed from pillar to post as the parents would rather get off their head than be a loving stable home. The 5 year old has terrible meltdowns and can become very aggressive, not his fault as this has obviously been learned.

My auntie (her mum) has the kids most days. She has her own struggles with health and is a recovering alcoholic but she tries her hardest for those babies. My cousin turns up at my aunties house willy nilly out of her mind, sneaking drugs into her house while she's looking after her children and understandably has called the police a few times to have her removed and her baby dad has shown up and put her windows through, not once but twice.

Obviously social services are involved in this and they have been trying their best to get my cousin help but she is also a compulsive liar and has told social services that my auntie is the drug user and not her and her issues with alcohol in the past (cut her nose off to spite her face, the woman was willing to take her kids on full time when the inevitable happens). My other family members have washed their hands of my cousin and want nothing to do with her. Anyway, I have had a phone call from my auntie today saying that social services wanted my number to speak with me about possibly taking both the children if it came down to it.

Here's my predicament, I absolutely adore my cousin's children, I call them my niece and nephew, they're so young and I feel very very deeply sorry for them and how their little lives are starting out. I try my best to help my auntie out when I can, taking them out and giving her a break or just going to her house with my little girl who's 6, who also loves them very dearly. However, we've just got our little life as a duo together, new house, new job for me that's only term time so I can spend my holidays with her.

I don't want anymore children of my own as one is enough for me and I won't lie it's not a walk in the park, some days it's so mentally draining. The possibility of taking on 2 more children is absolutely sending me into a spiral. My nephew's aggression is a factor and his needs can make him very challenging, he sometimes lashes out at my daughter who's had her fair share of bruises and bites from him. The other thing is how I would manage with work and childcare with them. I think the thing that is scaring me the most is if the parent's find out I have their children and come here, putting the 3 children in danger and I'm on my own.

The police have put multiple injunctions and non mol orders in place and that doesn't stop the psycho of a father at all. I don't want to see those babies being put into care but my daughter comes first...I don't want to sound like an uncaring cow because this is killing me inside and I won't lie, I've shed a few tears tonight just thinking about it. I haven't had anyone contact me yet but still.

What would anyone do in this situation? Or does anyone have any experience of taking on children like this? Thank you ☹️

Im sorry to say, i wouldn’t take them on. They would be better off fostered by someone who can give them what they need.

No,absolutely not. Protect your daughter and yourself. I'm sorry you are in this situation 😔.

Being really honest, they would be better off adopted/long term fostered to people who have training in children with additional needs, somewhere far away from where they live now. For their sakes and your families sakes you need to let them go somewhere safe away from all your family.

Firstly SS are useless fuckers to family carers, you will beg for money and support, secondly their parents will be beating your door down, you and all the kids will have no peace, thirdly your poor child deserves better than fear and being assaulted in her own home, by her cousin, and lastly those little ones need a safe fresh start. Yes, you will be heartbroken, I get it. But put them first, tell them how much you love them and want them to be happy. Maybe you can have contact if fostered down the road, when they are settled, but bear in mind it might be too disruptive for them

However much you love them , your daughter comes first, I actually think Foster care would be best for them as the family dynamic would play such a big role. Don’t feel guilty that you can’t have them you’re doing well as a single Mum for you and your daughter don’t take this on and don’t feel guilty.

She absolutely wants take them but with my cousin opening her vile mouth my auntie has had to fess up on her previous drinking problems, she's been straight now for about 2 years and not touched a drop. She says it's because of the kids she needed to step up and be there for them which I applaud her for massively.

If ss contact me then I will absolutely advocate for my auntie and tell them she would be the best place for them but I think I'd also be convincing her to sell her house and move to stop those 2 getting anywhere near her and the kids.

I am biased but as a foster carer I know of far more good foster homes than bad. My experience as a child in foster care back in the day is nothing like the care I see given today, my little one will be my last as we have permanence and he is very much as much a member of our family as he is his birth family. There is a lot of movement towards maintaining links with birth families where it is safe and in the best interests of the child to do so as the long term outcomes are better for the children.

I don't think you should let the little boy see your daughter again. It will be traumatising for her that her mum is repeatedly letting this person into her life who assaults her and threatens to murder her. Your child deserves to feel safe in her home. I didn't feel safe in my childhood home and it has deeply touched every aspect of my entire life.

Yes, that's OK. Having lived it ourselves with our DN's, please take note of everyone's warnings - they are 100% correct on this matter.

We thought we could help as we already had experience with fostering and special needs, plus we're a fairly robust family. We were so very wrong.
These children were already so damaged, and we were fighting a losing battle in trying to actually make a difference as the parents rights seem to trump everything and everybody else, including often the children's.

It took over our lives. I deeply regret doing it even though we had the best intentions and had awareness plus training previous to this.
The whole experience was a complete nightmare, and there is no support (please don't allow any services to convince you otherwise)

The worst thing is that it was all for nothing anyway, as the children are now teens, and have returned to their parents.
Social Services shrug their shoulders and say that it's their choice. They are now living the life we agreed to save them from and it's utterly heartbreaking, although extremely common in these situations.

They would have been so much better off in care as they may have had a chance to be adopted.

I couldn't go into more detail, though you're very welcome to message.
I don't want to dissuade you from doing what you feel works for you. I just wanted to share the hard truth of the situation, and I know it is like this for many others.

I know. The "if you love them let them go" thing is really ringing in my ears at the minute reading these replies. I'm going to speak to ss if and when they contact me about it and explain my situation..I'm barely scraping by as is and with 2 more children, especially traumatised children, in my life just isn't something I can handle.

I think I was just thinking that if he's happy with me the outbursts would stop being so frequent, wishful thinking. I'd have them both here with me now if it wasn't for my little one. The guilt is eating me alive at the minute.

Sadly it’s highly possible there will be future children as well. You must think of your own child.

I have been in the situation that you are in, I was asked to take 2 young children and although my heart wanted to say yes, I knew that I would end up with trouble at my door so I said no.

Don't feel guilty. Your job is to protect your daughter. It wouldn't end well for any of you. I hope the children are fostered and you can stay in contact.

Let them go, honey. SS in Scotland, anyway are v keen for kids in foster care to remain in contact with family, esp ones as supportive as you.
Good luck 🌸

Good god...I'm so sorry you went through this 😔 you sound like such a lovely person.

I truly can see myself being in that exact situation and I'm alone in this I wouldn't have any help from a partner or anything. From these replies I can see how useless ss are too..thank you for this and again I'm so sorry you've been though this.

Even if you didn't have your own child , I doubt if you could take these kids. You couldn't work and would get no extra financial support as they are family . Seems like the boy would need a lot of counselling and therapy in order to function. Little girl development delays seem to becoming obvious too . Two children with extra needs is very very difficult with no professional supports in place.

I was thinking that I would definitely take them until it got to putting your daughter at risk. That I would not do.

I don’t know if there is a right answer here and awful for those children.

If it was me I would take the kids. I don’t think I could live knowing I could give them a good life and have them suffer more or go into care.

For me the guilt would be huge and I would. But I recognise what people have said. It’s an awful
predicament. Those poor children.

I wish my heart was louder than my head right now but truly this thread has helped me a lot.

Please, be kind to yourself. You are not " just letting this happen". You are working through a process of assessment for you, your DD, your family and these 2 lovely children. There are a lot of factors to be weighed up. And emphasis now on one factor may be different in 10 years time - who has a crystal ball.

Your prime duty is to your child. End of.

I watched a close relative of mine destroyed by caring for two children from disadvantaged chaotic backgrounds - it wrecked their family.

Do not do it .....

I was thinking yes you should take them until you said you have your own daughter and then i stopped reading.

You have a duty to your own daughter, above all else. You cannot take these 2 kids in, they have their own problems and their parents are mental and could come to your door.

Absolutly no chance you should risk your daughters wellbeing.

I wouldn't do it as I know I would not be able to give these children what they need. I would see it as detrimental to my own child, without benefit to the other children. It would be way more than I could manage.

I think it's ok to know your own limitations.

They would ruin your daughter unfortunately. Tragic, the damage done to them already is probably irretrievable.
God help them.

I think the kids need to be placed with non family so theres no chance of the parents showing up and traumatising them even more.

Another to say your home isn't the best idea. It's too much to take on, even if you didn't have your own little one.

Trauma and disability are massive to deal with and tbh, I would think that the children being fostered away from their parents awful behaviour is the best chance for them to heal. They've only known turmoil and I have a feeling that if you take them on, that will carry on because they will have access to the children.