Live-in step child

[Holly02]

Does anyone else out there have step-children living with them? I hope you'll indulge me in writing down my feelings, because I don't think I'm coping too well with the situation at the moment.

Firstly I'm a SAHM with a ds who'll be 3 this year. DH's teenage son has recently moved in with us and will be living here for a while - not quire sure how long, but I guess it will be about a year and a half... maybe two years. Anyway it's school holidays here at the moment and my stepson (SS) was supposed to be away for two weeks, staying with his cousins. He's just rung and said he's coming back early (he's only been away five nights) - he gave no reason, just said he was coming back. I've so been enjoying the peace and quiet of being at home with just ds, and having the house back to myself again. I actually burst into tears after I hung up the phone, because now it's back to the whole uncomfortable situation again. SS spends SO much time either on the computer or playing with his playstation, and sometimes he even spends ages talking to his friends on the phone at the same time. Don't get me wrong, he's a nice person and quite easy to get on with (so far), but he tends to be lazy and has to be pushed into getting up and doing something. He does help a little bit around the house when asked, but the only way I can describe it is that it feels as though the whole house has been taken over.

Basically, I feel like it's not my home anymore. It feels as though I have a permanent house-guest now and it is very limiting, and at times, hard to deal with. DH is very busy with work and I'm dreading SS just sitting around for the next few weeks. It sounds stupid but I think I may be depressed over it - I'm not sleeping that great, I've lost my appetite and I find myself thinking about the situation a lot. I guess I resent the fact that it doesn't feel much like my home anymore, and I now have added responsibility too.

I know it may sound selfish, etc etc, considering that it won't be forever, but I really cannot help this. I would really appreciate a bit of support from anyone who's been through/going through this kind of thing. Thanks for listening.

Lots of advice here, which I won't add to, but I just wanted to say a bit about laziness in teenagers. (I'm on my third teenager so I've BTDT with them.) Research has shown that the typical 'teenage laziness' is actually a physical condition caused by the amount of growing and maturing they are having to do. So, a teenager isn't being lazy simply to annoy us, they really can't help it!

Also, teenagers brains are undergoing such terrific chemical/hormonal changes at the same time that they find it very difficult to empathise with anyone else, which can hinder the comunciation side of things a bit. I wish I'd known all this when I was a teenager!

Holly - I see your point & perhaps I was a bit harsh. I agree with the others that is seems more a problem with dh rather than ss. You said ss didn't want to come & dh forced the issue - perhaps ss is deliberately being as awkward as possible to force a rethink? Seems like dh & you need to agree some ground rules which dh needs to enforce - not you. Anyway, hope things start to settle down soon.

Eulalia I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that men just don't even notice some of the stuff that goes on. Sometimes I get incredibly frustrated that I can see something as plain as day, and dh doesn't even seem to notice. Yesterday I finally lost it, I told dh that I felt I had no control in the situation, I listed all the things that need to be addressed and then I left the house for a while.

Anyway after a rather tedious weekend, dh has now put a second computer in ss' room, has given him a list of chores that he is responsible for, and ss is now off to stay with a friend for a few days, to get him out of the house. Don't worry he wasn't forced into it, I just suggested to dh that perhaps it would make sense for him to spend a bit of his holiday time somewhere else and dh agreed. SS had no problem with it either and he will be going today or tomorrow. I feel like a right nag now but nothing would have happened unless I'd insisted on it.

DH is also trying to get ss to find a part-time job, don't know if it will work but can only try. Suedonim, I understand what you're saying about teenagers and I'm sure I was like that myself, but experiencing it from this perspective is infuriating!! Guess I will just have to try to be as understanding as possible.

Scummymummy I've been going through all the associated 'anger' with dh for putting me into this situation, have even fantasised about leaving with ds and moving into our own place, but that's how alienated I've been feeling from dh. Can't remember the last time we got intimate 'cos there are definitely no intimate feelings there at the moment!!! From my side, anyway. Having said that, dh has suggested having a weekend away soon (just the two of us) so it will certainly be nice to get away.

I realise poor old ss is obviously not in his 'ideal' situation either, I am not by any means making him unwelcome but he can probably pick up on the tension between dh & I. I guess I need to keep reciting "this too shall pass" but it just feels such a long time away.

Dear Holly02

I am so glad that you and dh have started talking about this issue - after all it was a lack of communication that led to you being in this state in the first place. it's a real shame that you didn't feel you were given the opportunity or the right to discuss your feelings about your ss coming to live with you, if you had felt able to discuss your fears in the first place, even if ss still came to live with you, you might not have ended up feeling so resentful and conned into having him stay. Even though my bf has always been very considerate and we have always talked about both out feelings about the child care arrangements, it doesn't mean that I haven't at times fantasized about doing a runner!

I think there are times (probabaly cos I don't have kids of my own) I overlook how hard it must be for my bf not to have his kids in his life full time, and how much he must miss them, and I guess your dh muts have felt similarly, which is why he may have forced the issue of his son coming to live with you now - to make up for lost time. So it's more the way he went about it that it unfortunate, not his reasons for having him to stay.

The onus is DEFINITELY on him to make the effort now to make things right with you and his son, and the whole living together thing - but make sure you make time for yourself, go out, visit friends, hopefully you have a friend that you can have a right moan about things with!! Doing that has secured my sanity on many an occasion! There is a reason we are with these guys after all, despite the baggage, and I tell myself that every difficulty that we work together to overcome makes us stronger! Hope this turns out to be the case with you.

Holly02 - sorry for the late reply. It sounds like things are getting a bit better with you. If your ss is already going out with his friends then you may find he goes out a lot and maybe you'll hardly see him.

Hope you get that w/e away with ds soon. Anything you need to ask I will be here. Good luck.

Holly02, glad you have sorted some things out. Amazing what actually saying things, rather than just feeling them, can do,eh? I do sympathise. Being a stepmother is never easy. Would it help if SS was to become more of a brother to his little bro? After all, that's what he is. Then you might feel as if SS was part of your family too. I think teenagers can be great with tinies, if they are given responsibilities with them, after all they have more energy (or should have!) and fewer inhibitions than us oldsters. Ask him directly to do things for his baby brother, such as play football with him, or read to him, or even show him stuff on the computer. Go to the shops and leave the two of them together. I know that I felt so good about my stepdaughter when I asked her to watch her baby brother and found them in his room, ds captivated in his cot watching his big sister putting on a puppet show based on one of his books with all his toys. It was incredibly sweet. The sheer adoration a three year old can feel for a big brother who pays attention to them could create a wonderful bond between them, making you feel like one family, instead of two.

If you feel he can learn to love his little bro and look after him and play with him so you can have some time to yourself you may even come to be actively grateful your ss lives with you!

Oh Aloha it's such a two-edged sword!! (Don't know if that's the right analogy). SS is good with ds, he plays with him and seems to genuinely enjoy being around him. DS is also being potty/toilet trained at the moment and ss takes him to the toilet or puts him on the potty, and helps him to take his clothes on and off, so I think it's nice that he can be relied upon to do things like that. Then there's also the added bonus of doing occasional babysitting for us, I know!

Then again, the other night he got an 'attitude' and was being a bit of a pain in the a**, mainly to dh (you know, being sarcastic & not showing any respect). I know this comes with the territory as far as teenagers go, but it's very difficult when they're not yours!!! When my own son does it in years to come, I'll at least be able to tell him to pull his head in and get away with saying what I think a lot more. Sadly I will probably even be a lot more understanding when it's my own child. (then again, maybe not). Anyway I will try to view the situation in a more positive light... if nothing else it's going to be 'character-building'.

Character-building for everybody, I should think!

Holly, I hadn't read this thread before, when I answered you about teenage attitudes, and now I have I'm even more impressed at the way you are all mostly getting along so well. I understand perfectly how it must feel to you having a "house-guest" all the time - well, when he's in - but it's great that he and your DS are friends and that he is happy to help with him.

Once you are really used to having him around you may even feel comfortable enough with him to let him know (politely of course!) how you feel about his more negative behaviour (but then again you might not even be getting it by then. Could be he will recognise and appreciate that the more "disciplined" approach in your house is better for everybody. )

I bet in later years (once the teenage storms have abated) he will recognise and be grateful for your tolerance and understanding. I think this next year or so will be very good for building a bond between your ds & ss that will probably last them for the rest of their lives. It's hard to bond with a child you rarely see, so that at least is a positive. I agree with whoever suggested family conferences for you and your family. I know people who use them very effectively to air issues before they come to a head. Your ss sounds a good lad at heart and you sound a good person, so hopefully all will be well in the end. Good luck, raising children that aren't your own is more difficult and I don't think anyone would deny that.

Just caught up with this thread, holly02, have been feeling too wasted with 2nd pregnancy to contribute to Mumsnet. My heart and soul goes out to you. There has been some wonderful advice the stepmums out there have given. There's not a lot I can add really - except to say that I really know how you feel. I have 2 teenage sds and a 5yr old ss and all of them are coming tonight .......for the whole weekend.
To focus on the positive - my dd LOVES her sisters and her brother and seeing how lovely they all are together is one thing that makes all the anger and resentment bearable.

Cha, you know what "teenage sds" looks like it really means...?

(I think step-parents are heroes btw. Don't think I could cope.)