Live-in step child

[Holly02]

Does anyone else out there have step-children living with them? I hope you'll indulge me in writing down my feelings, because I don't think I'm coping too well with the situation at the moment.

Firstly I'm a SAHM with a ds who'll be 3 this year. DH's teenage son has recently moved in with us and will be living here for a while - not quire sure how long, but I guess it will be about a year and a half... maybe two years. Anyway it's school holidays here at the moment and my stepson (SS) was supposed to be away for two weeks, staying with his cousins. He's just rung and said he's coming back early (he's only been away five nights) - he gave no reason, just said he was coming back. I've so been enjoying the peace and quiet of being at home with just ds, and having the house back to myself again. I actually burst into tears after I hung up the phone, because now it's back to the whole uncomfortable situation again. SS spends SO much time either on the computer or playing with his playstation, and sometimes he even spends ages talking to his friends on the phone at the same time. Don't get me wrong, he's a nice person and quite easy to get on with (so far), but he tends to be lazy and has to be pushed into getting up and doing something. He does help a little bit around the house when asked, but the only way I can describe it is that it feels as though the whole house has been taken over.

Basically, I feel like it's not my home anymore. It feels as though I have a permanent house-guest now and it is very limiting, and at times, hard to deal with. DH is very busy with work and I'm dreading SS just sitting around for the next few weeks. It sounds stupid but I think I may be depressed over it - I'm not sleeping that great, I've lost my appetite and I find myself thinking about the situation a lot. I guess I resent the fact that it doesn't feel much like my home anymore, and I now have added responsibility too.

I know it may sound selfish, etc etc, considering that it won't be forever, but I really cannot help this. I would really appreciate a bit of support from anyone who's been through/going through this kind of thing. Thanks for listening.

Holly02 ... sorry I can't give you any advice as I have no experience with step children but I just wanted to say hang in there and someone will answer you soon with some good advice I am sure. You sound very unhappy and I don't think you are selfish ... I think I would find it quite hard if I suddenly had a teenager live with me.

Anyway ... thinking of you ... keep your pecker up ...

Thanks Ghosty - appreciate your thoughts.

Thanks sobernow, I'll have a look.

I just wish I could find someone to commiserate with!! I just don't know how valid/logical my feelings are in this. Sometimes I feel like I'm being selfish or stupid, other times I feel overwhelmed and just want to run away from it all... :{

Oops.. that was meant to be a

Holly
it sounds like a lot of the things you find difficult are the kind of things teenagers do - I guess any mum would find them annoying, but as sobernow said you don't have the memory bank to see you through them.

How does he get on with his brother, your ds? Are there any things you can find to talk about together? (films, tv, music, news, books?)Is he really sitting about all day (no school or college? no job?) - if he is it would get anybody down and I don't think you should put up with it.

If he were my son at 17 I would expect him to be taking a greater responsibility in family life - or household life - like cooking a meal once a week. Don't presenet it as a criticism, but as something that he needs to be able to do. Can he do something with your ds like take him to the park? Maybe he feels like a houseguest too? But he must feel quite at home otherwise he wouldn't want to come back so soon.

Carry on posting here! It can be a real lifesaver

Hi Holly02

I'm sorry it's proving to be so difficult. As you know from previous thread I have 2 young "step kids" and have had a tremendous amount of difficulty adjusting to life with them. Even though they don't live with us permanently, the fact that we have them 2 out of 3 weekends and once a week has been a tremendous strain at times. So I can definitely relate and can empathise how having step-child full time could be an incredible burden.

You say that it will only be for a year/year and a half, but at times the thought of having the kids for a week during half term has felt like an eternity - so a year and a half must seem like a bloody lifetime. Feeling the way you do, how can you see the light at the end of the tunnel?

You are being very hard on yourself - he is not your son, he has come in and has interupted the balance in your life, and it doesn't matter that he is a nice kid, it doesn't make it any easier, and it doesn't make you a selfish monster that you feel the way you do, I have felt exactly the same way - I've also felt horribly guilty for feeling resentful, and angry at being impositioned upon, I've felt like my life is not my own, that someone else is dictating the terms of my life. It's all incredibly overwhelming, and I've spent a lot of time bawling my eyes out. All this and with really lovely step-kids too!

Whilst you didn't mention in previous thread why it was that you step-son has come to live with you, I wondered whether you had been properly consulted on this matter, and whether you had been given the opportunity to air any misgivings you might have had? If you felt you couldn't for whatever reasons then surely all your fears and anxieties will have multiplied and now seem un-bareable. Pure conjecture on my part.

Whatever the reasons, especially if it's to do with problems at home, then it's not fait to expect you to deal with it all - your husband should be expecting your support, NOT the other way around.

I know my experience is different, but I do understand, and your feelings are real and therefore valid and need to be heard.

Thanks all for your responses.

Yes Copper, he really does just sit around most of the time - I find it unbelievable that he doesn't organise to meet up with his friends in town or something, he's certainly old enough. When I was his age I couldn't wait to get out of the house to meet up with my friends somewhere. All it would take is to catch a local bus or train, and he could go anywhere he wanted to. The impression I get is that it's "all too hard". If other teenagers are anything like him, then they seem perfectly happy to just sit in front of a computer or playstation all day (AND night), and not go anywhere. He seems to either talk to his friends by phone or on a chat site. It just drives me insane - and he complains if he feels there isn't enough to keep him entertained.

DH promised me that he is going to make sure that SS is responsible for a number of household chores, and that he will limit the amount of time that SS just 'sits around'. I certainly hope so.

Valleygirl you mentioned a few things that hit the nail on the head. I didn't feel like I really had any say in the decision for SS to come and live with us, dh wanted him to and even though I felt uncomfortable about it, I never felt as though I had a choice and now I am living with quite a bit of resentment. Basically SS is here because of some problems that were going on in his family, but dh assures me that it won't be long-term. Problem is, I think dh would say whatever was necessary in order to get his own way in this situation, and it's left me wondering exactly what is going to happen in the future. It may sound harsh saying that about dh, but in the past he has said things just to appease me and then didn't carry through with what he said. My whole feeling is that I just don't have any control over what's going on, and I resent taking on this responsibility when dh is so incredibly busy with work and won't have a lot of time to commit to this anyway.

Think I'll just go and pack my bags and head for the hills...

Holly02, I have 3 stepkids (the oldest is almost 14 and has definitely hit teenage-hood). Although they are only with us on the weekends/holidays, I can empathize with having to deal with someone else's children. I think that you need to take a much more active role about his position within YOUR household. It really sounds like you didn't participate in the choice about having him living with you and now that he is living with you, that you are not participating in his "upbringing." It is your house and he should follow your rules. He sounds like a pretty normal teenager (antisocial with adults and glued to the playstation/tv/telephone). You need to set some reasonable boundaries about times that he is welcome to use things that are in common house areas (tv/telephone) so that you have some privacy and time to yourself. But don't be unrealistic; he is a teenager and going out might just not be on the cards for a few more years. I've yet to meet a teenager that isn't a bit "lazy," so make a list of chores that are his and times that they need to get done by (or they will never get done). Don't wait for your dh to do this. If he is not normally the organizing one in the house, you will be waiting forever even if it is his child. I think that just by setting a few rules and boundaries, you will end up feeling a lot more in control of your own household and therefore a lot less resentful of your ss and you might just make it through the next few years.
Hey, it could be worse. He could be partying, doing drugs and getting arrested all the time! And think of it as good practice for how to deal with your ds when he gets to that age. I've learned all sorts of things about parenting while practicing on my stepkids.

Just to let you know. My mum's boyfriend moved in with us when she had just split from my dad. I was 9. If I were you I would take into consideration the fact that you are not their mum, and they would certainly resent you behaving like you are. Try to emphasise with them. This is a difficult time for them, as teenagers you must know yourselves it is a hellish time, and they have to cope with their parents splitting. Don't expect miracles. Be a friend, because that is all you can hope for, if you start laying down the law now, you will just make enemies. Look at it from their point of view. It's really tough when your parents split up, please remember that and have a heart!

His parents split up when he was a baby Rhubarb - he has no memory of it at all, and it is not something that is bothering him today. I know that for a fact.

For heaven's sake Rhubarb, I think perhaps you should also have a heart in the way you responded to me. I already said I was feeling bad about the fact that I am not coping with this very well. Perhaps because of your own situation, you can only see it from the child's point of view and not from the step-parent's point of view. Unless you've been through it, you don't know what it's like.

Holly02 - I've been through almost exactly what you are going through and I know just how you feel - I can't speak just now but I will be back later.

Rhubarb - That wasnt advice that was criticism. At least try and see things from different perspectives and not just your own.

Holly - As difficult as it may be for a stepchild to come into the family its also difficult for the step-parent. I dont really know what to suggest to help you out here other than to say maybe you need to speak with you dh about it to let him know how you feel, dont bottle it up.

Perhaps you could also have a good talk with your stepson, you may find that he is bored and wants to do more to fit in but doesnt know where to start. After reading through your post I didnt think in any way that you were trying to be a "mum" to him and quite right to, but show him that you will be a friend.

Maybe you could try and get him to join in with the "family". Theres no reason why he shouldnt be helping you with things at home and fitting into your way of life as much as you are trying to fit in with his. I think the reason you are feeling tearful is because you are suffering from stress and that in turn can cause a loss of appetite. Hope you are having a better day today. Take care.

Thank you for your kind message Temptress. It's nice to know that someone understands (kind of, at least!)

Look forward to hearing more from you when you have time Eulalia...

Holly02 ? maybe I can come to the rescue. Belive me I know how you feel - let me describe my situation ...

Dh has 3 grown up children from his previous marriage. We are now married with 2 young children. Before we got married and had our kids we lived together for quite a while and his kids would come to visit (fortunately they live 500 miles away!) a few times a year. First of all his son came to live for about 6 months when he was 16. He was no bother, soon got a job and kept himself to himself. Then his daughter came when she was 18 and ended up staying for 18 months. When she arrived she was in a right state ? just lost her job, row with mother etc etc. The thing is we were very poor at the time as dh wasn?t working and I was studying. She was told to get a job straight away as we couldn?t afford to keep her (after all she was 18 and an adult). She went through a succession of jobs, packed one in voluntarily which meant she didn?t get dole money. She was an emotional wreck who wouldn?t leave me and dh alone, just wanted to talk about her problems, she was untidy, loud, ran the washing machine constantly ... you get the picture. . Dh and I practically had no privacy as she would sit up with us watching TV till it was bedtime. She had no friends and made little attempt to get any so would also go out with us all the time. And indeed it didn?t feel like my own home. She did get a part-time early evening job and if I was out I sometimes didn?t come back till just after I knew she would leave but I always dreaded her coming home later. To top it all dh needed a major operation so at one point I had to cope with that, her distress at her dad being ill (and her own problems), study and hold down two part time jobs and generally keep the house running. The thing is I felt so alone (no Mumsnet then!) and if I moaned to dh he either felt bad and responsible or told me ?sort it out with her yourself? which I didn?t feel able to. I often took to writing her notes as I didn?t want to confront her. I mean I had no experience of dealing with an adult ?child? as I am the youngest in our family and at that stage I was only 28 myself. She did get a college course eventually and fortunately made something of her visit and left to go back to her mother after the course finished. God it was WONDERFUL to clean out the spare bedroom once she had gone.

I thought things would be fine but about 5 months after she left I had a serious of viral infections which didn?t clear up properly, a bad panic attack and then post viral fatigue which turned into chronic fatigue which took over a year to shake off. This was all stress that had built up over time finally coming out of my body and mind. I am totally fine now and the relationship with the daughter is much better and she still visits but only for about 5 days at a time, although she?s by no means sorted herself out yet (the last visit wasn?t too good although thankfully she brought a friend with her) One thing I can say is that no matter what happens in life it can NEVER be as bad as that period so I think I?ve learned to be extremely tolerant and also appreciate small things. Having my own children now also helps enormously.

Throughout that period I experienced resentment, loss of power and control, frustration, anger, hopelessness and despair. I kept on imagining running away but really had nowehre to go. In any case I felt "why should she come between me and dh". I am rather a passive person so felt unable to 'tell her off' - how can you do that to another adult anyway? It's much easier dealing with children in that respect.

Sorry this isn?t practical advice as such but this post is getting rather long ? I?ll wait until you maybe want to ask something specific.

All the best ? and you are not alone!

Hi holly02,
I have a step dd who is 8yo, we get on well but she does not live with us only comes to stay. I can imagine what a difficult position you must be in !!My step dd is a wonderful girl, but can be a bit of a madam on times, and I can only imagine what she will be like when she is a teenager !!!
She has been brought up, with a different set of rules than my own children, her mother does not seem to have much control over her, and she definately rules the roost in her mothers house.
She does fit in with our rules, in our house, most of the time, but it's just a completely different situation for her, she isn't the centre of attention and just has to muck in with everyone else(at home she is an only child).
I can imagine we would have more problems than we have, if she came to live with us.DH used to worry about being firm with her, as he was afraid she would not want to visit, but she seems to realise since he has, how children are expected to behave in our house, she sees the DS's have to abide by the same rules.
I think your DH or both of you together, should have a civilzed chat with him and lay down a few ground rules, he will proberbly have more respect for you both later. Be honest, along the lines of "we all have to muck in together,we have to make an effort to get on and be tolerant of each other"etc.Treat him like an adult.

Hi
I have just joined mumsnet and would like to participate in the discussions. Before I do though, would somebody please enlighten me on the abbreviations used in this discussion. I know that ss = stepson and bm = bio mother but do not understand DH and many others. Please help.
Many Thanks
Barlis

Maybe Rhubarb expressed it a bit bluntly but she did have some advice. Teenage boys do have a bit of a tough time emotion wise etc and they do have a tendency to go monosyllabic for a few years. I've never met a teenage boy who isn't lazy. I think staying in darkened rooms and staring at the computer/tv whatever is somewhat par for the course. As he's not your kid it's going to be infuriating. You can set some ground rules, and give him jobs to do, but don't expect him to be all that willing- most teenage boys just arent! Make sure you get some time with dh by yourself so you're not constantly falling over ss. I think you just need to try and find ways so that you can handle him being there. Sorry not much help but all that lying around in messy rooms is totally normal.

Barlis- dh/dp dear/darling husband/partner
ds darling son, dd darling daughter

Sorry if this sounds blunt, but presumably your dh was his father before he was your dh? Try & imagine how you would want your own children to be treated in a similar situation. I do sympathise with you, but really because I think your dh should be shouldering a bit more of the load. He possibly doesnt see it as a problem.
PS I'm married to the product of a broken home so will see it from there pov.

Berries there is a lot more to this situation which, unless I want to write a novel, is going to be impossible to explain in a few short posts. I'm sure if people knew the whole background, they would probably think differently about it.

Yes obviously dh was his father before I came along, that goes without saying. But SS didn't particularly want to live here in the beginning, his first choice was to live with another close relative but basically, dh forced the issue. Now we are left with a lot of practical and logisical problems with SS living here, but guess who is going to bear the brunt of most of it?!! DH has a busy job and travels quite regularly, I find it very hard to pin him down most of the time, let alone have a 5 minute conversation with him - especially when SS is here. Very hard to have a discussion about something and sometimes I go days without heing able to raise something with dh that needs to be talked about. This is far from an ideal situation which is why I'm getting stressed about it.

Perhaps reading Eulalia's post will give some idea of the problems involved.

Holly it sounds like the problem is more with dh than ss. Assuming that ss is here to stay for a while you need to make it bearable for you. If there is anything that dh can do to help you need to pin him down and insist that he does. SS probably will sit around for the next few weeks, and as he's a teenager without a lot of shouting and moaning he isn;t going to budge.

What can you do to make it bearable? Do you have somewhere you can escape to that is "yours" where you know ss won't be. At least he isn't moping around because he isn't where he wanted to be.

It is tough on you that dh is being unhelpful. If ss is going to be staying for 18 months/2 years you do need to find a way to deal with it otherwise you will be at risk of depression. Can you think of anything that would make the situation easier for you (ss going away for weekends?, having a space in the house that is just yours- do you have spare room or soemthing that could be made into a retreat?) Perhaps try and draw up a list of things you wuld change if you could and then see if any can be acted upon.

I hope maybe I can now offer some practical advice having been through something like this. In retrospect I feel there should have been more of an agreed understanding between me and dh about how to deal with conflicts of interest and I should have put my foot down more often. For example I should have insisted that dh and I went out alone on a regular basis. Like you Holly I often found I had to wait days before we could discuss something which is very frustrating. A lot of the time dh just didn't seem to notice the problems. Often it is the case that men have to have things spelled out for them.

Is your SS still at school (you mentioned the holidays?) Presumably in time he will make new friends and perhaps he could get a part-time job to get him out of the house and meet new people.

I think you have to feel control to some extent so have some sort of agreed rules between the three of you and this should be discussed sitting round the table (so grab your dh when he is around!). Issues such as housework, computer time and so on. I mean plenty of families have this with their own children. I think I was afraid to insist on this so I wasn't doing the 'wicked step-mother' bit.

The things you feel you can't control you just have to minimise the extent to which it annoys you. Maybe get him out of your hair by putting a TV in his bedroom or even a computer if you can afford it.

A lot of your stress is probably due to not being able to talk about your feelings. Have you got a friend you can lean on and have a good moan to? I felt I needed someone to just offload on - just silly little everyday things but it is amazing how these things can build up. Try to have a coffee with a friend on a regular basis and a good moan you will feel much better. If not then you can always do it here!

Sorry there isn't much more I can say really just now but am here if you need to ask anything or just to talk about things.

Holly02- I strongly agree with all those who've pointed out that this seems to be less a problem with your step-son per-se and more a problem with your husband. Personally, I would be thinking about leaving him in this situation, as he sounds like he has behaved like an arch-twat of extrordinary proportions. What is he thinking about, just dumping his son and partner together and then running off to work? No wonder you are finding things so hard, Holly02. I presume that your stepson has been through some traumatic times to lead to this change of address and it is his dad who should be supporting him through this, not you. I think that's what Rhubarb was trying to say- that it is the birth parent's role to provide the bulk of the parenting in a blended family situation. I agree with that. Your husband should also be supporting you, IMO, and be aware that this is a very difficult time for all of you and that he is the pivotal person to help things run as smoothly as they can. He should be scaling down his work committments, not travelling. Presuming that you have already tried to talk to him and he has not responded positively, I think I might be thinking seriously about whether I wanted to stay with such a man.

I really hope things will get better for you soon. Would it be worth taking a short holiday with ds to family or friends so that your husband had to take responsibility for his other son for a couple of weeks?