Is my marriage over advice needed please.

[sadlady]

I have been married to my dh for 5 years and have a 3 yr old ds, i am 30 years old and dh is 32. I have been up all night unable to sleep worrying about that state of my marriage.

I wish it was as simple as one of us had cheated but we haven't, we just have not been getting along for a while now, every 2 months we have a sit down and decide to make an effort but nothing seems to change.

If i am honest it has not been good for the past 18 months, i am sure we both love each other, but all we seem to do is argue all the time, sometimes even in front of ds (which i know is not good).

I am a sahm who has suffered from depression, my dh doesn't understand who difficult it is to do housework and stuff while looking after my son, he is not a caveman who expects wife to cook and clean, but does like a tidy house, when he comes home from work if its a bit messy he gets into a huff kicking things out of his way tutting etc etc, this winds me up and we never recover because we are both on the defensive the rest of the night, and when he is at home he will do all the housework.

We both have bad tempter and this has spilled over into physical confrontations lately, both starting it and times and then we hit each other etc, (2 minutes later we normal end up laughing), to be honest ds never witnesses this either alseep or front family.

I have suggested marriage guidance, but dh won't here of it. I have tried to express how i feel but he thinks i am blowing it out of proportion because of my depression.

To be honest i can not imagine my life without him, i just want it to be good again, i have put on a little weight and my self confidence is rock bottom. I try to lose weight but give up easily, my dh idea of being supportive on a diet is grabbing my belly and giving me that look when i do have a piece of chocolate.

I would appreciate any comments from you wise people, i have had good advice before.

Thank-you
sadlady (i have changed my name because my friends post here)

Sadlady I'm really sorry that you are feeling this way. Very close relatives of mine had a similar situation to yours and whilst couples counselling was vetoed, the lady concerned had some counselling for herself, which helped her enormously in dealing with the situation and taking care of herslef - her rationale was that she needed to be mentally and physically as well as possible to deal with whatever the situation ended up throwing at her. Is this something that you can try doing? Even if your dh won't, at least you could get some professional help to try and sort out your own head and decide what you want.

HTH

Sadlady
So sorry to hear things feel that bad. My dh and I have had some truly awful rows and infront of dd sometimes...st happens but somewhere inside ask yourself if you do still love him because if you do and you believe he loves you then it is my belief that if you both feel the same most things can be worked out. It sounds as though you have a bigger problem with your own self confidence which can be remedied by maybe getting some time to yourself away from even your ds. Do something for your self and the better you feel the less it will bother you when he comes in and grumps about the mess, as you will be in a happier mood and in turn this will effect him.
It all becomes a vicious circle esp with sahm (believe me I know) no matter what you say they think we sit at home on our ases so give up on making him understand it's not a cake walk and concentrate on making yourself feel better either way you need to be strong for your ds... Good luck

sadlady, your story really hit home with me. I went through much the same as you. I am a sahm after getting sacked from my well paid job when i was pregnant with my little girl. She is now 15 months and my son is 3 and a half. I suffered from depression and obsessive compulsive disorder (I couldn't let the kids out of my sight for 2 seconds) which meant I never had any time to myself.
My husband and I weren't getting along but I was clinging on to the relationship as I felt I couldn't face life as a single mum. I hated the arguing and constant atmosphere. I wasn't even sure if I loved him anymore but didn't want to admit it.
He left me at the start of November and I was heartbroken, despite what friends and family said I truly believed things would never get better.
Now only 2 months on I feel like I have been liberated. I am happy, I do what I want when I want, I don't need to answer to anyone. In the evening I have the PC, TV, books and the phone for company. I have 2 beautiful children and can concentrate on their happiness now and not my unhappiness. I'm no longer suffering from any pyschological disorders and haven't taken anti depressants since he left. I though I'd be scared at night but I sleep better than ever.
My ex takes the kids 2 days a week which actually gives me more time on my own than when he was here.
Being a single parent is not ideal and is something I never saw myself doing. But at the end of the day I am happy and my kids are happy. I've got a whole new life ahead of me with no one to hold me back. I'm going to go to college next year, decorate my flat, keep on "dieting" on chocolate and not have anyone tell me off....
If you really think you will never be happy with yor husband then at least you know that its not going to be the end of your life...just the start of a new and better one!

Thank-you for your advice, things have improved slightly since i last posted, i am sure that i still love my husband (but not as sure as i used to be), i don't know if it is him i love or that i don't want to be on my own as a single parent. Today has been a good day with dh was laughed a lot and had plenty of cuddles. i believe there is hope and believe that i need to be more self-confident, i just got to work out how.