I want to return Christmas gift money to relatives

[Fionn]

I'd appreciate your ideas on this. Dp isn't close to his cousins but every year we get invited to his uncle's Xmas family party. We only went once and were embarassed to find that each cousin had bought a present for each cousin's child. So our baby was given about 7 presents from people we don't really know. We didn't go again, but dp's brother goes every year and so the other cousins give him presents for our two children. I've always written thank you notes but was uncomfortable about it. Dp wasn't bothered, saying it's their own fault if they're daft enough to spend money on children they don't even know. But this year we got a total of £70, via dp's brother, from 3 of the relatives. As it's money, it's easier to return than toys and this is what I'm thinking of doing - sending a cheque with a note saying thank you but I can't accept it. But what reasons should I give? I don't want to offend them. One of the reaasons we don't go to the Xmas gathering is not wanting to spend loads of money (there are now about 15 children!) on children we don't even know. We think it's too materialistic, our children get so many presents from other people as it is. I want to stop this before next Xmas but am not sure how much to say in the notes.

Personally, I think returning the money is bound to offend. To me, it would seem like a real rejection and quite personal, whatever the real reason. You could end up causing a rift in the familly even, certainly some bad feeling. Maybe they really want to know you and the children better and this is their way of trying to stay in contact. Is there any reason why you don't see your dp's cousins apart from the money thing? They might make a nice social/family network for your children as they grow up. I really, really wish my ds had a wider family - my dh's brothers are in Yorkshire and much older with grown up children and my only brother doesn't have kids at all. Why not talk to your dp's brother and explain you don't have enough money to buy presents for 15 children and that it puts you off coming to the party. Instead you could suggest a secret santa for next year with a free-for-all lucky dip as well (only two gifts to buy then and lots of fun at the party).

I would not return the money but make it clear next year your views on buying presents. I would also explain to pd's brother that the expense stops you from going to this family gathering at Christmas. My sisters with children discussed this and agreed that we would buy for each others children only, and nothing too expensive at that. I certainly do not buy for our cousins.
The Santa lucky dip sounds a good idea, with everyone just buying a small something to put in for their own children.

I think my post sounded too critical of you. It wasn't meant to be. Just that while your motives are good, I would be terribly upset if someone returned a gift to me that I had sent their children and I would take it personally.

Fionn,
this is really difficult, and like Aloha I think I would be really offended if my present was returned, especially as it's money, you can't even say it's not suitable.

I know it seems like a huge expense, for so many children you don't really know, but as you know this comes round each year couldn't you start now to put a bit of money by ready for next year. You could even start to collect little presents in the summer sales for these children, so it doesn't put too much pressure on either budget, time or inspiration. I think its a shame that your kids are the only ones in the family not to see their cousins (just my opinion, both my parents were only children, so i don't have any cousins ) Don't fall into the trap of trying to match the value of the presents your kids get. It's too difficult and it should be the thought that counts, not the value, and most children would rather have some relatively cheap novelty or knick-knack than just money.

Of course, If you really can't get on with your dp's relatives, and don't care what they think of you, then keep on graciously accepting the presents as long as they want to give them. Put the money in savings accounts till your children need it for school skiing trips or some such.

I would try not to fall out with them if poss. BTW You don't say what your dp's opinion is on the returning matter, after all, they're his relatives

Why don't you give the money to charity if you really don't want to accept it and write to them explaining that's what you've done, saying it's because you want to teach your children about 'giving to worthy causes', the rainforest, disadvantaged children or that Christmas isn;t just about whose got the most pressies. Perhaps you could also explain that that's what you'd like them to do next year on your behalf.

Fionn - as my DS doesn't have (and isn't ever likely to have) any cousins, I'd jump at the chance to offer him a social circle of relatives. I hate the idea that if we never have another child he'll one day be totally without any family.

Perhaps as it's your dp's uncle who hosts this party he'd be the one to approach and explain why you feel you can't go to it. If the suggestion to have a secret Santa was to come from him then it might be more likely to be accepted than if it was seen to be you telling everyone else the expense was too much (and/or that it's too materialistic). It might well be that some of your dp's cousins feel the same way, but go along with it rather than trying to change the status quo. If the cousins are close enough to want to exchange presents anyway, then there's nothing to stop them doing that, independent of the party is there?

Fionn

I would return the money. I would say that at Christmas your kids get loads of things and as Christmas is expensive for any parent you cannot take money off another parent - or something like that. I returned a Christmas present to a friend of mine who over coffee one day told me her husband had cut up her credit cards. I told her it was an extremely generous gesture, but what sort of friend would I be if I accepted it. She took it back and wasn't offended.

However, my DD Godmother I asked her not to get into buying Christmas presents, I am Godmother to her daughter and genuinely do think our children get enough presents from grandparents etc. She took a real huff, but then she is a material bitch!

Yes I would return it, I think giving it to charity would upset the people who gave it to you. Give it back to them, you dont know what their circumstances are. If they are at all human they will probably be relieved at having two less to buy for next year. Why not buy their kids a tin of sweets from your kids for next year. Children love that just as much.

Oh oh I can feel the barage of criticism ready to be fired at me! Teeth, dentists..........

I would be really hurt if money that I had put aside for children was returned to me. However, I do understand your point of view Fionn. It does seem silly to give so much money to almost unknown children.
In your situation, I would write a nice note to those who sent the money saying it was very kind of them, but you feel embarrassed not to be able to return their generosity. Could you suggest that next year, there is a £5 cap on kids presents and then you would be in a position to participate too? Most people are very understanding about the unnecessary strain Christmas gifts put on the family budget.
Please don't send the money back, it was given in good spirit as a gift to your children. If you don't want to use it to buy the children things, put it in a bank account for them, buy a tree in a protected woodland, sponsor a child on their behalf in a third world country etc. etc.

What a response! Thank you, it has made me think twice about returning the money. The thing is, the other children aren't my children's first cousins, they're second cousins. My boys are lucky enough to have first cousins on dp's side so we're not really depriving them of family contact, they have 4 first cousins (children of dp's 2 brothers) who they see regularly. Dp has nothing against his cousins, he's just not very close to that side of the family. I've suggested to him that we all go and see his uncle at another time of the year but he has no real inclination to do so. It has occurred to me to suggest that there be a £5 limit on presents, or that everyone buy for their own children, but I don't feel I can interfere as the custom has been going on for years, before I even met dp. In fact the cousin who started it did email me after I met her at the party 4 years ago and is very friendly, so maybe I could mention something to her. I think it started when there were just a couple of babies and it's grown every year.

Fair enough. It does seem to have got out of hand by accident and I agree that 15 presents per child is far, far too much and I wouldn't be keen to participate either. I can't believe that nobody else would agree so it might be worth discussing with others. Your boys are lucky to have cousins they are close to, and I didn't realise we were talking about second cousins, but the wider extended family might be worth keeping in touch with if you could resolve the shedload of presents issue! I'm glad you aren't returning the money though.

It sounds like it has all got out of hand as more children were born. Probably many of the other parents privately think this but are not brave enough to be the one to voice their opinion so if you came up with a secret santa idea or something you might prove very popular.

In my experience Secret Santas work really well - we did one this year for all ds' friends, instead of everyone wondering what to get and which children to buy for.

We also had a bit of a dilemma about people giving ds money - a few people who we don't know very well gave him £10, and after thinking about it, we thought it best to accept it, as they obviously got pleasure from giving it. We put it into ds's savings account.

Maybe it's a cultural thing, but it seems to me to be perfectly reasonable to politely and clearly tell the uncle or organizing cousin that a) you can't afford to buy expensive presents for all the kids and b) you feel that your children get too much at xmas as is and would prefer them to not get large money gifts. If they get offended by this, I would say that they are not the type of people you want to hang out with and if they don't get offended then great! problem solved and lots of lovely cousins for your children to hang out with.

I personally would be upset if someone returned something I had given for Christmas just because they hadn't bought my child anything. I don't give to receive.

Talk to a family member who can perhaps get your message across in a subtle way. But you may find you still receive gifts, I'd put the money away for when your children need it.

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