Husband spends on weekends away but won’t share money for children

[NeedyMoose]

I’m married with two children and another on the way, me and my husband both work but I don’t get half as much as him once the bills are paid obviously I’ve hardly got a penny, it’s hard to get anything out of him, our children are growing so means there in need of shoes, clothing etc. I have mentioned this to him but I’ve literally got no help from him. He has managed to afford to go away with the lads for the weekend and I’m at home on my own with two children and right now I just feel alone. When he’s here he is good he helps with the household jobs and kids but financially he’s greedy and I just find him selfish, am I being stupid or is it hormones acting up? I’m all for him having a break and enjoying himself but I’d rather him put his family first but in this case I feel like he hasn’t even thought of us.

He's taking the piss.

You're married, finances should be pooled.

Why do you keep having children with him?

So he was like this with the first so what has changed in the meantime for you to have a third with him?

Can you be a little more forthright rather than just mentioning things?
Dh dc1 needs new shoes. I don't have any money left after paying the bills. Can you transfer £x amount to my account please.

And maybe time to sort out finances so you are not left with nothing. If you earn less because you have to work around the children, then he should be paying a higher share of the bills. Especially as you will be on a very reduced income when on maternity leave.

It's not him "helping" around the house. He lives there. He should be doing his share of chores.

He really needs to step up. Selfish git.

You are not partners In his mind he is still a single man.

You need to have a serious conversation with him. If he isn't willing to change you need to think how life would look if you were to divorce. Because honestly at least then he wouldn't be treating you like his children's nanny.

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yes, complain about a problem yet keep adding to the problem. Never understand these types of women. Op you have some responsibility here too. Why bring more children into a situation like this

You’re not being stupid OP & it’s not hormones .
It’s not nice that he expects you to pay half of everything when he earns double .
He should be ashamed of himself knowing you are left with no money after bills .
That’s not what a good husband/Father does .
When he gets back I’d be sitting him down for a serious chat .

If you earn differently then you should input different amounts into the family pot, he contributes more than you, that’s the fairest way to do it.

Set up a joint account, all bills and family expenses come from that. Keep a nominal amount as personal spending each month and the rest goes into the family pot. He puts in more than you.

I don’t know why you didn’t have this conversation when you first got married though.

Don’t have a 4th child with this man.

So you both work? And who does the bulk of child and home care? And what does he say when you ask for more of his money to be spent on the family?

You should both have the same amount of disposable income. And that doesn’t mean yours is for you and the children and his is his. It might mean he has very little personal spending money with three to support but it’s the ONLY fair way. Do not accept anything less.

You are a family unit with joint children. All money is family money. These aren’t just your children and you’re asking a favour of him to suppprt them. He’s financially abusing you.

Statistically, having children diminishes a woman’s earning potential over her lifetime. Pregnancy, maternity leave, and the responsibilities of raising a child all negatively impact career progression for women.

That means if you have his children and he also isn’t paying his fair share of the children’s expenses, he is stealing from you twice.

He should be covering both expenses. Most couples do this by simply pooling money, but there are other solutions.

It’s not his money! He needs to support his kids!

Mumsnet should be required reading for teenaged girls so they would learn never to put up with this crap. Don’t ever have a child with someone until you have thought all this through and come up with an equitable solution.
You are married, you are a team, it’s all family money. Your career has taken a knock not once but three times, and you will have three children that will need varying amounts of care for the next 18 or so years which will have a long term impact on your career, very likely much more than it will impact your husband’s. Their two parents need to work together to provide for them and for each other, that means the household bills including the clothes etc that the children need are a shared responsibility. Either all money goes into that family pot and then you each get some fun money if there is an excess, or you contribute in proportion to your salary - but that pot needs to cover all expenses before anybody gets to discretionary spending.

It’s completely unacceptable that you have no money and are worried about how to afford new shoes for your kids and he’s out spending money with his mates. Wise up.

Why do you keep having children with this selfish horrible man?

Tell him you need a fairer split of money or it’s over.

You are perhaps being stupid staying with him, having more kids with him

they are his kids, you are married , it’s not “his” money and he’s restricting access to money you need for his family

Why on earth are you pregnant again? 🤦‍♀️

Obviously this is wrong, all money should be pooled together. He sounds selfish and financially abusive.

not helpful! OP can’t turn back the clock.

Agreed!

OP, try talking to Women’s Aid. They are very helpful.

Divorce. You’ll be better off financially and emotionally.
OP this is control and you need to escape. My DH earns 5 times what I do but he shares everything he has.

Get a joint account. You need access to his salary. Why are you having a third kid with this man who is financially abusing you?

I agree with the poster who said that reading Mumsnet should be a requirement for teenage girls!!!!

It horrifies me the situations that women find themselves in.

Something is going seriously wrong in society with regards to what behaviour women think is normal and what they are willing to tolerate when it comes to starting families with men and the impact it will have on their freedom and independence, their finances, their career prospects and their earning potential. Women make such a huge sacrifice by having children and it is so important that both they, and their partner understand this and why women should only have children with the men who are happy to step up and who will enable equality and fairness as much as they can.

I’m so sorry you are in this situation OP and I hope you find a way out of it as you and your children deserve so much more.

He wasn’t like this at first, also wouldn’t of married him either he is a good dad the 3rd is just an accident which I wouldn’t change

Good dads don’t financially abuse the mother of their children.