Managing visits with newborn

[Ineedadviceonnames]

I recently had my second DC and have ended up inadvertently upsetting my partner's parents over visiting.

They have visited a few times but we were able to be quite accommodating while my partner was on paternity leave. Now they are back at work and I'm juggling our two children (one is at school and does lots of activities during the week) on my own, I'm in the house significantly less. They take the approach that they should be able to call at short notice and pop in to visit at times to suit them around their work and schedule.

The problem is we have a busy schedule plus we see a lot of our friends as well as family and therefore we ask to plan in advance. We have explained many times that without pre booking times to meet up we will be very unlikely to be available but this isn't sitting well and we are being accused of excluding them and not prioritising them over 'less important people'. We just agreed times with people on a first come first served basis and we would priorotise the Grandparents if they would simply book a time with us. I don't understand how anyone's life functions without planning their time and how this makes them feel less important. They have cancelled on us several times and then tell us another time they will come instead (tell, not ask) and when we explain that certain times they suggest aren't suitable they argue with us over why rather than accepting those reasons.

It has all ended up being really unpleasant with a lot of things being said about our attempt to set some boundaries politely and calmly, particularly being directed at me, and now we're being ignored when we're trying to resolve the situation. How do we move this situation forward?

So fed up 😔

I feel like some families expect to just show up at peoples houses and be made welcome, whereas others are taught to plan before visiting. I wonder if you and your partner each come from a different type of family.

Tell them to just show up when they fancy. When you aren't in or busy maybe they'll realise they should just book a convenient time with you! Is it their first grandchild or were the ridiculous the first time around too?

Honestly though, it's not your problem, get your partner to have this argument with them so it doesn't ruin your relationship with them.

I’m from a family where people just turn up. One of the problems with this though is that people can be out. Maybe tell them that they can drop by why they like but best in mind that you may not be in.

It’s not great that are saying upsetting things though. How do they react if you invited them say, every Thursday for tea?

Does your DP ever take the DC over to visit them?

You're absolutely right, each of our families are the opposite in this respect.

I've considered that but if we're in and it's just really inconvenient, what do we do then?

This isn't their first grandchild but their other grandchildren's parents are happy with the open door policy and my oldest isn't their grandchild as they're from a different relationship. Therefore this is the first time they've experienced being told turning up isn't ok!

Yes I think it's best for him to deal with it, like you say.

You don't owe them to be standby for their visits.
Visits are agreed. Not forced.

When are they turning up at the moment that isnt convenient - is it when you’re about to cook tea or go to a kids club etc?

Thanks for understanding!

They won't commit to a regular time (this has been offered) and generally don't think they should be restricted to one so the suggestion was one of many we've made which was rejected!

This is their first Grandchild from us so visiting them hasn't really happened yet, maybe in time that will work though, thanks.

Same here, my DH was from a show up kind of family but I'm from one where I make sure it's ok for me to come over. His mother was quite miffed when he told her she couldn't just show up after we had a baby. Literally no one ever shows up to our house and it's delightful! My brothers teenage friends always used to show up at our house growing up and it was so annoying as I'd get stuck upstairs or downstairs to avoid them seeing me in my pjs or something!

If they show up and it's inconvenient I'd either tell them that and turn them away (or get your partner too) or just use them to get stuff done (ah perfect, I was just about to ..., you can hang out with the baby while I get that done).

Anytime that suits them, it could be when we're doing dinner, bedtime, going to clubs, trying to get stuff done at home, rest or even just enjoy some time as a family without having visitors here tbh!

Hi Op, you have my sympathies as I’ve been through this with my partners parents.
We had a baby which was their first grandchild (I also have two children from my previous marriage) and they started turning up randomly with no notice, often as you say at inconvenient times such as naptime and when we were just about to go out.

They didn’t understand why it was a problem so in the end I would unplug my doorbell when baby was asleep. It worked great as I could just say ‘oh sorry baby was sleeping so the doorbell was off, sorry I missed you’ 🤷‍♀️ Eventually they took the hint and now we arrange to see them in advance.
Hope you manage to sort something out!

I see! So in that case, if they suddenly appear at the door, I think I'd just have to not let them over the threshold and be like sorry we're literally about to go out! Or sorry - can't talk the kids are just about to go to bed, in a whispering voice.
That's also annoying when you generally want to get stuff done. In that case I'd probably hide and not answer. Or let them entertain the kids and use it so I could get on with stuff! I certainly wouldn't be making tea etc and I'd let them fend for themselves, if they're inclined to expect that!