In-laws’ house is FILTHY!

[SarahE9]

My mother-in-law (78) has never been big on cleaning but the last few years the house has got progressively worse. My father-in-law (79) does not cook or clean. Everything is dirty and the smell hits you as soon as you walk in. Recently, my mother-in-law had a fall so I offered to go over to clean but she refused saying my father-in-law could manage, but he has told my sister-in-law that he isn’t doing anything and will wait until my mother-in-law is better. It’s been 5 weeks now and the house is in a terrible state (poo running down from the toilet bowl, carpet covered in bits, no clean surfaces) and the smell is overbearing. My husband and his brother won’t say anything to them. How do I get them to accept the help?

You can’t

you can either just go and clean and take the rap or say - and mean it - that you won’t go back unless you can clean up

Contact social services and say you are concerned?? If they aren't looking after themselves properly they might need a home help going in?

Tell FIL that a cleaner is coming

A) You turn up WITH THE SONS & a load of cleaning items and you all clean the kitchen, bathroom and hoover & ride out the consequences with ILs.

B) you get a professional in to deep clean and then a 2-weekly clean to maintain & the sons split the cost.

Your MIL is clearly too infirm/ unwell to clean anymore, your FIL is a lazy arse & it sounds like the sons have learned to be useless also.

I could not let my family (inc ILS) live in filth and I'm not a clean freak by any standard, but my DH wouldn't allow it either, it's so neglectful.

What’s your husband doing to help?

I agree with an above poster turn up with your husband and SIL and just say your going to clean, be honest and say the house is a mess and you’re worried about them and you are happy to help. If they turn you away you at-least tried.

Thank you - that’s what I was thinking. They are lovely people and I don’t want to offend them, but it’s just getting so I can’t go round any more

Thanks everyone for your advice

Tell them that you’re all helping one another with a NY clean.

Tell your husband and his brother to get their fingers out and help their parents, before SS have to get involved.

Even if you and your SIL take them out for the day while they get on with the cleaning.

Thank you - I think we all just turn up too. Both sons do help and are not like the in-laws at all. They just don’t seem to want to say anything to them and both me and my sister-in-law think they should.

I wouldn't be blunt pointing out it's filthy, but more of offering a good deed as a Christmas gift.

I think your DH and his brother should just go and clean.

My MIL adores me and her other DIL, but with things like cleaning she would struggle to accept our help if it had crossed a line into embarrassing.

Whereas with her own children she'd have struggled less (still a struggle, but less so).

The sons help their parents and then once it's sorted they discuss with them how they help them ensure it doesn't get to that stage again.

It sounds as if you and your SIL actively want to help so I would go with turning up, with your partners and just starting.

It also sounds as if both MIL and FIL are now frail and unwell - potentially it has got this bad because one or both of them have memory problems and so genuinely do believe they cleaned yesterday.

Be prepared for the clean up to unearth a lot of other issues such as medication not taken, health problems not addressed, needing help with personal care and finances and so on.

My parents thought they were cleaning adequately. They weren’t. They wouldn’t entertain the thought of a cleaner. By their late 80s, their house was noticeably dusty, grimy and a bit ‘nonenal’ smelly. I had started to dread walking in due to that smell.

Once I decided an intervention was necessary, I took over my husband and sons and we blitzed the entire house. After that, I forced my siblings into a weekend rota, meaning their (huge) house was cleaned and their bed was changed once a week. In my bossy boots style, I used this as an excuse to thin out things like ornaments and photo frames on every flipping surface so dusting was quicker.

Bizarrely, we all came to love those visits and my parents absolutely appreciated having a spotless house once more.

It’s not really a woman’s job to be cleaning. It’s your husband’s parents so he can sort it out. You could maybe help a little if you have the time but it’s your husband’s job to take the lead on this, whether that’s doing the cleaning himself or organising a cleaner to go in. He’ll need to have a conversation with his parents about it.

Their children really need to step in and take responsibility for helping their parents out.

I had this with my MIL.
When I knew MIL was out for the day, I hired an industrial carpet cleaner. Myself and SIL did a deep clean while BIL did the carpet. DH did the bathrooms. My sons cleaned the garden.
Food in presses was over 10 years old, fridge and cooker filthy.
Guess what? MIL didn't even notice when she came home! But the place was clean.
We organised a dog walker, cleaner and meals on wheels (all gradual), she was against it at first but came to accept that help was needed and we couldn't continue to do it.

With my ILs we started with DH's childhood bedroom. They got used to the fact every time we turned up we had a clear out. The clear outs just got bigger and bigger.

Combination of two people with an underlying slight hoarding tendency, one of whom now had undiagnosed dementia and the other getting overwhelmed managing him.

Absolutely this. If the house is in that bad a state, there will be other things which have been left undone too.

I had to a house clean for my mother, including clearing out the fridge and freezer which were full of ancient food. I didn't ask because the answer would have been no, so I turned up and did it. Once I'd started, she didn't seem to mind.

This sounds like it has tipped over into an issue of health and welfare so her sons need to get over any feelings of embarrassment and speak up and help out either by doing the cleaning themselves or paying for a cleaner.

I'd advise contacting their local Adult Services/Social Services with the information you've supplied and ask for an urgent adult welfare check. That can help get support in place. If things have got this bad, it's unlikely that turning up with extra bodies and industrial-strength cleaning products is going to solve this. It may even create a situation of aggressive resistance from the ILs you are trying to help.

Clearing the surface filth is also likely to reveal other hidden issues such as vermin infestation, which are harder to deal with.

If you don't want to go the Social Services route, you could contact their local Fire Service and ask for a home safety check. Most Fire Services offer these for free - a firefighter comes around and offers checks to smoke alarms (if they exist) or recommendations for where they should be installed, plus advice on not leaving trip-hazards in hallways, etc. Often people like the ILs will listen to a person in uniform over and above their own family. The visiting firefighters can also make safeguarding referrals if what they see concerns them.

One other option, though the most drastic, probably - you can pay people to come in and deep clean, quick in and out and will take away any rubbish. I used them myself after a situation had got similarly out of control. They were told what not to take and were highly efficient - clutter gone (good stuff goes to charity shops), surfaces and carpets clean, for a 1 bedroom small property it was about £190 (@ five years ago). But I wouldn't advise this is as a first step though, only in extremis, or once the property is in need of clearing for other reasons perhaps.

Good luck with it, and best wishes to you. x

This is what we used to do when MIL was suffering from Alzheimers. She used to enjoy it when I took her out for a drive as she lived in a particularly nice part of the country. While we were out DH used to clean up.

Fortunately, the house never got really bad because we kept on top of it.

Brilliant advice. We did this when FIL refused a social service check, he listened to the fire officer and began to accept help.

Thank you - that's good to hear about your FIL.

I forgot to add - the firefighters will also generally say that "we're doing these for all houses in the area..." or similar, so unlikely to generate an idea in the ILs that they've "been reported" for anything or otherwise "targeted". My elderly person was told this, and that it was routine - and offered to all local households as part of a "fire safety initiative". She was also in raptures for ages afterwards about the two hunky firemen that did her house, reignited (sorry) when the recommended smoke detector devices turned up shortly afterwards.

Good luck with it. x