Relationship with my parents now I’m a Mum

[sprinklesomeglitter]

Hello, I really would like some outside perspective, maybe some reassurance.
Sorry this is a long post! Trying to get everything out so I don’t drip feed or anything.

I had my first baby in January this year (2025). Since my baby has become a lot more babbly & mobile my mum keeps pulling me up on her behaviour and making little comments about my baby being too loud when at coffee shops - she’s a baby! Her babbles are happy noises and she gets excited when she sees other children and happily raises her volume (she’s not crying loudly or I’d leave to calm her down). My mum has started to tell her off and raise her voice to my baby - which I keep pulling her up on every time and tell her not to discipline her, especially when she’s not doing anything wrong and is still a baby.
As my baby is getting older my parents keep talking about wanting to have her on their own without me there. I never used to give it much thought but now all I think about when they say this is how they treated me as a child - mainly my mum and how my mum is starting to try and discipline my baby already. (I’ve asked her not to but my parents just don’t ever listen - whatever the subject is!)

My parents, mainly my mum, used to use physical discipline on us (me & my siblings) such as hitting us with wooden spoons and wooden & plastic hair brushes, slapping us across the face, dragging us around the house my our hair, making us stand outside in just a nightdress in the winter at breakfast time if we were “naughty”, force fed us food if we didn’t like it - by holding our noses until we opened our mouths and shoving the food in and if we spat it out she’d slap us across the face lots of times until we ate the food because we were scared.

I’m in my 30’s now and have asked my mum why she used that kind of punishment and she says it’s because she had no support (no family near by) and it’s what was done in those days. she doesn’t think she did anything wrong.
I actually did think it was normal and kind of just blocked it all out. But since having my baby and her comments about her behaviour it’s brought all these feelings back up for me. I feel so uneasy about ever leaving my baby with them because i‘m so scared they, especially my mum, would loose her temper and hurt my baby. Neither my mum or dad have a lot of patience and they shout at each other all the time (even in public) about petty things.

I recently spoke to my partner about some of the stuff my mum did, as I thought it was normal, and he looked horrified and said his parents never hit him with any object, the worst he ever got was a smack in the bum - this was early 1990’s when smacking was deemed “ok”. He said he doesn’t feel happy with my parents looking after our baby alone because of my childhood and I felt instant relief when he said that! Which has made me feel so guilty as they are her grandparents. But I don’t want her to ever be hurt because she was “too loud” or didn’t eat all her food etc.
it’s just brought up so much memories, feelings and emotions and I can’t get over this uneasy feeling about her looking after my baby without me - I don’t think I trust her. Which I know is awful for me to say as she’s my mum and I have turned out ok.

am I being selfish & horrible? Is it just postpartum hormones still lingering that’s making me think & feel this way?
or am I right to not want my mum to look after her?

I’m the first one out of my siblings to have a baby so far so this is their first grandchild. So I’ve not had the chance to see what she’s like with other babies or children since becoming an adult.

I'm sorry you went through that when you were little OP. I wouldn't leave your child with them either.

OP, this is your DC, you are the parent, and you set the boundaries. If you ask your DM not to tell her off, then she should respect that. If she doesn’t, then say to her that unfortunately you can’t go out with her and DGC because you have asked her not to tell her off and your DM is not respecting either your boundaries or your way of parenting. As for letting her have your DC on her own without you there, why? Your DC is still well young - I don’t think they would be at all happy about being left with their grandmother, and I think she might have more trouble than she’s bargained for at bed-time. Don’t leave your DC a minute before you are comfortable doing so - she’s your DC, and I really don’t understand grandparents who want to see their very young DGC by themselves - I love seeing my DGC, but I also love seeing my own DC as well!

Erm this was not normal behaviour in the 90’s. At all. I’m so sorry you experienced this - it’s abuse. Keep your baby with you.

That was certainly not the norm, not in the 80’s or any decade. I was born in the 60’s and I was never treated like that. Your mum was abusive and is looking for excuses. I wouldn’t leave my baby with her.

I am a decade older than you (80s kid) but your mum’s behaviour would not have been ok even then. She was abusive towards you, as hard as that may be to hear/process.

It is right that you feel protective of your baby and you absolutely shouldn’t let her repeat the cycle of abuse with your defenceless child. Please don’t leave them alone with her! If it’s not ok to treat her like that now, it wasn’t ok to do it to you then…

You may want to think about seeking therapy or doing something to work through this issue as it can take a bit of unpacking as we don’t want to think of our parents like this (my mum was somewhat neglectful so I have an idea). What was your dad doing when your mum was behaving so cruelly towards you?

I'm sorry that happened to you, she was abusive. I think a lot of people don't think too deeply about how they were parented until they become parents themselves. I think your instincts to protect your daughter are accurate and I wouldn't leave my child with your abusive mother.

Oh and you turned out ok in spite of her, really. Not because of her abuse.

I would trust your mother instincts, they are there for a reason.

Totally NOT normal anything your parents did to you!
I would not leave my child with them either. If they ask why, tell them.

Don’t leave your child with them not now, not ever. Sorry to hear about your childhood, sounds like abuse. May be worth exploring therapy to unpack it and support you in setting boundaries.

No, you're not selfish or horrible. You're being a good mum, facing some difficult memories, and trying to protect your parents feelings. I've been through the same thing, born in the 80s and was increasingly upset as I remembered more and witnessed my parents unhealthy views on some aspects of child development and parenting. Follow your baby and your instincts. It's our job to break these cycles and do better.

I held strong on my own beliefs and always put my child's needs first despite the insults it brought from my mother. I found it very helpful to read Unconditional Parenting, Kohn, and other similar books that helped me work through my parenting instincts and how they were so different from my parents' behaviour. I'm very glad I stuck to my guns, my eldest is now an older teenager and we have a wonderful, close relationship, and my teen is infinitely better adjusted than I was.

It has been detrimental to my relationship with my parents, mostly my mum, but that's all on her for her shitty behaviour. I see my parents in a different light. If they'd not constantly overstepped, judged, and criticised, then I would've welcomed their help and hands-on grandparenting. But, they chose to enforce their ways, so I never left them overnight or unsupervised for long. We've had regular but brief contact, superficial conversations, mostly about them, and tried to keep things pleasant. It's disappointing and sad though. I wish they'd been willing to talk about my views rather than being defensive and belittling my parenting. I wish they'd taken accountability instead of trying to rewrite history.

You might find the toddler years are particularly triggering, as people who weren't raised to acknowledge, accept, and regulate our emotions. Our parents were meant to coregulate us, but a lot of us 80s and 90s babies were punished (with love withdrawl/naughty steps/a smack/being told off). When our children have difficult emotions, sometimes we can go into fight or flight ourselves. It can put you instantly into your child's position, and as they tantrum or ignore your requests, you can feel like you're being ignored, helpless, or disrespected again, like when you were a child with unmet needs.

Learning to self-regulate all difficult emotions can help us to stay calm with our children's big emotions, because our own parents either shut us down, left "i'm leaving the park with or without you" or punished "i'll give you something to cry about" or "be a good girl and don't cry".

Parenting has been a very fulfilling process, it definitely did me some good that I didn't even realise I needed. It's quite a big deal when you realise how typical 80s parenting can still affect us decades later, parenting our own children. It's really good that you and your partner are communicating about this and in agreement.

There’s no way in hell I would be leaving my child with them . I think your mother already sounds like she’s gearing up to be punitive and abusive. I would be extremely careful about what contact you allow. Also tell your mother to leave the parenting to you. She clearly didn’t know how to parent herself.

Go low contact and do not ever leave your child with her as she is dangerous.

If you need to see her, leave your baby with her dad and see your mum but do not expose your child to this dangerous, abusive woman.

I’m could right this post word for word! My daughter is 3 now and still never spends time with them alone. It’s hard to wrap my head around why my mother constantly shouted and hit me. Even to this day offers awful parenting and judges! Actually had a day with after some improvements and sadly they were not picking at me and my daughter and snapping and it was awful. There never like this when her dads around. Very fed up with them atm. Still I understand why you’ll keep contact etc xx

I would strongly recommend therapy. I went through most of my life thinking I had a completely normal unremarkable childhood, albeit I couldn’t remember anything from it (first red flag).

When I had a child that all changed. I started seeing my own relationship with my child through the lens of that with my own parents, and realising something was wrong. When my child got older (around 3), I found it increasingly difficult to regulate my own emotions, finding myself being triggered and becoming angry, then withdrawing from engaging with them and becoming numb to cope. When it all came to a head and I got therapy, it transpired that I suffered emotional neglect all through my childhood and it had a profound effect on my relationships as an adult.

It’s not fair, I was really quite distressed while I was going through this. I found that my parents are not bad people, and make much better grandparents than parents!I also know that I can’t change them deep down, and it’s not my responsibility to do so. I have had to correct them on a couple of things that my child doesn’t even notice. I suppose the thing is that I know my influence is protective and if they say the wrong thing once or twice it doesn’t have the impact that being exposed to it constantly for years does. But they weren’t physically abusive, that’s the worry I would have with yours.

I would unpack this with a therapist, as it might be that you have to have a conversation with them about how they treated you versus your boundaries so that the relationship with your child (and you, as it will throw up some stuff inevitably) can move forward.

I was a primary school teacher at the time you would have been in school @sprinklesomeglitter(assuming you grew up in the UK). I referred families to social services for less than you describe. The repeated hitting around the face and head would have been seen as particularly dangerous.

It is very, very common for new mums to reevaluate their childhood through the lens of their new baby. For some, this can be a very painful experience. I second not allowing your parents to have time alone with your dc. Go low contact. And consider therapy to help you unpack your childhood experiences. I wish you well my lovely.

I’m sorry, that sounds horrible. If I was you I would not let your parents look after your child alone as it doesn’t sound safe. The punishments you describe are not normal. I was certainly not treated that way as a child (I’m 40).