Everyone thinks I have a lot of friends, I don’t have one real one.

[mrsbeetobe]

I see “friends” on social media with their “besties” or group of friends do so much together. I’m quite active and do a fair bit like bouldering, running etc but I guess these are quite solo sports.

Everyone on my social media are either old friends from school (I don’t live close to anyone that I used to go to school with) or people I’ve met along the years and are ‘friendly’ but never good friends to call up and have a glass of wine with.

I have a lovely husband that is just as active and that I love things with, and active kids that get involved too, but it would be nice to actually have a girl mate I can text or go for a glass of wine with.

We’ve just moved to a new village and the mums I’ve met have all said oh we’ll have to get you to the pub for a glass of wine and get to the locals, I’ve said oh that would be great, let me know when and I’m there, 8 months on and it’s not happened there either. I have a pretty sociable job too so it’s not as if I’m a really quiet person.

I don’t think I’m particularly annoying, I’m pretty nice to people, active and sociable, just nobody seems to want to stick around and be a close mate.

I’ve just joined a gym in the hope that will help meet people and get a sense of community amongst some women. But any other ideas?
I feel like I’m doing something wrong! Very lonely mum.

I think it's the "let me know when" thing. I do this too because I don't want to be pushy, and prefer the other people to say when suits them. But actually what happens is that life just gets in the way and before you, and they, know it, months have passed. If you can bring yourself too, you might just have to get their numbers, say you'll message them, and then come up with something with a firm date. Very difficult though, I know.

@Andregroup we’re in a WhatsApp group with the dads too and the dads had a day out! Nothing organized for the mums yet.

Outside of the mums group (I don’t know them very well yet, we all work so pick up kids at after school clubs at different times), I don’t know how to make friends outside of this. I mean I guess these mums also have their own friends so may not need or have time for anything extra?

It’s so deflating, I see girly stuff I could go to but nobody to go with

Same here

see so many people out with their friends on social media and I don’t have any.

i think it’s me, I definitely think I have undiagnosed Autism and therefore my people skills can sometimes be abit off, not intentionally. I just don’t fit in.

I know this sounds really simplistic but if you’re the person wanting to make new friends, you do have to do the running, because people are busy so will be prioritising other things.

Id put a message in the WhatsApp saying something like “Shall we go for a Christmas drink at some point over the next few weeks? What dates can people do?”

Then make a poll with a few dates that people have suggested, book a table for the most popular date, remind people the morning of.

@NewUserName2244I know, I’ve always been the instigator in the past with different groups and it usually ends up happening, I just can’t seem to have a mate sticks if you get me? It’s nice but then I’m always the one organizing things with people I’m loosely friends with. If I didn’t organise things I wouldn’t see a soul! And outside of this there’s no regular girl mate stuff if you get me. I don’t know one person I could text and go fancy a glass of wine at a pub? It’s so depressing

Is there a Padel club near you. It's a brilliant way to meet people without it being forced. You play Padel, you have a brilliant laugh, you have coffee when finished and laugh about how awful you are. Clubs are starting all the time. My son plays (as do all my family) but he's 23 and met a really nice group of lads and now the organise other things on top of Padel. Me and DH have met a great group of friends, we've been on trips away to Ibiza and Amsterdam, we go out for meals loads...our social lives have gone through the roof 😁

@bert3400yes that’s a good idea, thank you!

I had a best friiend for about 20 years. She dumped me. In retrospect she was a narcissist. I was always aware that the was quite controlling but it was in ways that either didn't bother me that much or were actively helpful. Eg she always had to be the one to choose a restaurant but I didn't mind because it saved me the hassle. Anyway she made up an absolutely massive lie which really upset and scared me when she said it because i didn't realise it was a lie. A couple of weeks later, I found out that the whole story was made up from beginning to end. I let her know that I knew and then she sent me a very very long email (would probably have needed 3 sides of A4 to print it out) that she was so upset that I hadn't recognised that she was trying to protect me. Her feelings were hurt beyond repair etc so she no longer wanted to talk to me. No apology for rearranging the truth so much that there was absolutely no grain of truth in her yarn. Typical narcissistic behaviour!

So having a best friend is not always all it's cracked up to be.

I have a few friends (not close friends) that I know from various sporty activities. I also have a friend who I used to be close to who I knew from the primary school playground. Although I am not as close to her any more because she kept me that my social media posts were bad for her mental health, so I unfollowed her and then she got upset about that. Can't win!

You can make friends anywhere you go regularly.

I have a new friend actually who used to my DCs' teacher. Tbey continued to meet up witb her after they finished school (both early 20s now). She then said she wanted to meet up with me too. I had to talk to this particular teacher regularly when my DCs were at school. We also occasionally did Parkrun together while they were still at school because she used to go running with some of the pupils including my DCs and she knew I was a keen runner.

I'll be your friend, because I don't have any either!

It gets harder as I get older, though to be fair I have moved around the country a lot so haven't built up familiarity with people.

I've joined an Italian learning group, and some of us go out after class, so look out for something that interests you with meetings on a weekly basis.

When I moved away after my DH passed sway I had t put myself out there to make friends. If I met someone I liked I just asked them to meet fur coffee - my excuse being I’m new! I don’t know anything! I don’t know anyone! Sure a few didn’t go anywhere but I made three or four good friends - the kind when my son had a motorbike accident and I was 80 miles away one of them took him to hospital and stayed with him and another took him another time and stayed five hours with him. We are a smaller group within a larger one - three of them I’d definitely be able to meet solo for coffee/shopping trip the other four I really only see as part of the group. But I pushed the friendships initially.

Get on the group chat and suggest a Christmas drink. You can't expect other people to organise things. Low key. Just say would love a Christmas drink. Could any one make X date and see what people say. Good Luck!

How about joining a running club? I find that's a great way to make friends, as long as you pick a chatty group to run with! You could join a hashers group for extra fun (nothing to do with drugs, Google it!).

I’m good at making friends and prefer socialising one to one. I accept if I chat to about 30 people I’ll probably click with one. I then concentrate on that one and see if it develops into a friendship or a really friendly acquaintance that enjoys nice chats with. I’m happy with either.
I completely ignore all the ‘we musts’, they hardly ever lead to anything.
Is there anyone you particularly like, if so could you invite them over or ask them to do something that is really easy and inexpensive for them?

If there’s things you want to do but don’t because you have nobody to go with, go alone. Awkward af to begin with but by persisting with things you genuinely enjoy you’re more likely to make natural connections with them. Some of my best friends now I bonded with through shared divorce trauma. You need a genuine common ground just trying to make pals with randoms doesn’t work. I’m now just as happy to go out for dinner alone or see a band etc, but often find I make new connections doing this. Don’t let life pass you by waiting on people to do stuff with!

I understand its frustrating being the one who always organises, but its probably the only way to spend enough time with people to begin building that sort of friendship.

Alternatively, if you don't want to organise a group thing, why don't you push yourself out of your comfort zone and invite the person that you most like from the group to go for a drink just the two of you?

We moved to another city about 4 years ago where I didn’t know even one person with DH and 3 teenagers in tow. I threw myself into the school PA committee, became a class rep and volunteered at all events just so I could meet new people . Put myself out - said hi to everyone and turned up at any event I saw advertised through school or in local area. Joined the gym and went to classes. Ended up developing great deep friendships with a great group of about 6 other mums and became best friends with 2 especially. Husbands get on great with each other and we have been on various girly weekends away and a couples only holiday abroad. See each other for coffee, lunch , dinner, show once a week at least. Going on a big girly adventure holiday long haul for a few weeks together in the next few months so invest the time and reap the rewards especially if you are new.

Yeah I’ve joined the organising committee in the school and was involved in their school fete recently, they all kinda knew each other from the area and I tried to get involved in conversations without being weird or pushy. I think it’s a case of I’m sociable and stuff and people assume I’ve already got friends? I’m not an introvert usually although this situation is beating me down I feel like I might become one! But generally I know I come across like I have friends. Maybe that’s hard to describe. I’ll join a few sports groups see if that helps at all

Hi OP,

I just found this thread after starting another one that is nearly identical. I was wondering if things have improved at all.

Yes! Hope things are improving OP. In my inward looking small town people are related to eat other and have friends from school that still live here. They are not looking to make new friends. It is difficult. Volunteering and sports clubs are both a good idea! My friends in more middle class areas where adults have moved in and are looking to make friends are much easier.