Family not meeting half way

[els1789]

Hi, I just wanted to get some opinions on how to move forward with my family.

quick back story - me and my sibling had children at the same time, literally a few weeks apart with the first. We had both moved away from home. My parents decided to move closer to my sibling because they liked the area. I was upset at first but it’s been a few years and I have my head around it now. Although we have no grandparents close by, we knew that was the risk.

Since then, my sibling and partner have never come to visit as a family. My siblings partner has never actually come down since my parents moved ( she was sick but better now and works full time). So my sibling will come and only bring one child (they have two) with them. They said it’s just too much to come down as a whole family. Even at birthday parties only my sibling and nephew came and my niece missed out. My parents have been very good and travelled down as much as possible but they help my sibling out with childcare every week and have the grandchildren over to stay for sleepovers weekly so it’s no comparable.

Now Christmas is approaching, I mentioned them coming to ours (all of them together) and I got the brush off again. They have always been a pretty selfish couple but since my parents moved it’s got worse. What do I do moving forward? Not bother? It hurts, I did want the big family get together a but I think I have to face it…they don’t and aren’t bothered.

Yes I understand it must hurt that your parents moved to be near your sibling, feels like a bit of favouritism. However if they said they liked the area then I guess that's their perogative. Can you go to your sibling's to have a family get together? Let them do all the stress of hosting and you just turn up.

How far apart are you now? On the surface of it it makes much more sense for only one family to have to travel i.e. you going to see both of them.

2 hours away. We’ve been to them 3/4 times this year. I get it but also quite a lot for us to pack, get us all up there and stay but we do it. We’re just not getting it back. My parents were only an hour away before they moved to be 2 hours away so I hope you can understand I don’t always fancy going … but we do because it’s family.

Yes, did that last year and stayed at my parents. Should we be expected to do this ever year?. It’s my husbands turn to see family on the big day as we take turns so we’re already travelling now to see his family. Only an hour away where mine are 2-3 hours away.

Ah ok and if you've already been down there 3/4 times this year they should definitely come to you. Why not invite your parents down? Explain to them that you feel like you are always the ones having to travel. Then your sibling can either chose to come down as well or miss the family get together.

Is your sibling male or female and are you close?

How old are the kids - youngest is under 2 if they are 3 or older 2hrs is nothing

I’m getting vibes that he is male

I kind of think you have to just make peace with what they deem to be ok for them. Maybe the partner doesn't like you, or your partner, or your home, or travelling, or whatever other reason it is. And yep maybe that hurts, that they wouldn't make the effort to get past their dislike for a family get together. But...it's your family, not the partner's family. If your sibling is ok just bringing one child down at a time, then maybe that's what you just have to accept. And if you want the full get together you suck it up and you visit them.

I hope this doesn't sound as blunt as it likely does. I say it because we have had similar revelations in our family this year. And just accepting that some people don't give a shit about coming to see us has actually felt like a bit of a weight lifted. And given me permission to 'match energy' and realise actually then, we probably won't go out of our way to visit you either. And that's ok.

Yep

No I totally agree with you. I think I’m 80% there making peace with it. I think it’s just the fact that they get the grandparents (both sides) and then they are terrible with coming to see us. Double whammy lol. I really do think it will be good for me to make peace and realise it’s not going to be how I thought with the family get togethers.

My sibling is male and overall we have been close. The usual teenage hardly talk to each other but as adults we’ve got on well. We are very different.

Kids are all 6 and 3…. Just 3 though. We have two each.

I already know the answer lol. They will just say 2 of them are coming and bagsy a lift off my parents. That’s what they did with my daughter’s party 😆. I think I’m not sure whether to try again for Christmas or just leave it and risk not seeing them. Not that they are bothered 😆

Honestly I think you need to cut right back in your expectations. It’s shit that your sibling doesn’t want family time but you’ll be happier if you accept that. I wouldn’t invite them to stay except as a courtesy very occasionally. They’ve shown they’re not fussed so the only thing you can do is also be not fussed either.

With Christmas I’d say no to visiting your parents tbh. Invite them to you and if they choose to spend the time with your sibling then that’s their (probably painful for you) choice. I wouldn’t be willing to keep putting myself out by going there every Christmas.

We have family members who never visit - they travel the world and then are too busy to visit because they have to catch up with all her family. Every free weekend. Sad but shows you where you stand in their eyes

Why don't you do a group message with everyone asking for a date over Xmas when they are free to come to yours for dinner?