Family and fallouts over financials

[Supportanperspective]

A few months ago, my daughter messaged J after her grandmother (my mum) mentioned that her savings account was very low and that she wouldn’t be able to give J money once it ran out. My daughter reached out to express concern about this and some other related matters.
J then went to grandmother about the message, which unfortunately caused a rift between my granddaughter and grandmother. Seeing how upset granddaughter was about this, I confronted J directly. In response, J said that she needs financial help.
My concern is — where does this stop? When mum tells me she’s worried about her money running out, I can’t stand by and do nothing. Mum’s finances are shared with Dad, who has dementia, and I feel it’s my responsibility to speak up for him too.
I will continue to act when I see someone being taken advantage of, regardless of how others react. My priority is to protect my parents’ wellbeing and ensure they are not left vulnerable.

However, I was given the cold shoulder recently by family members, am I wrong to have confronted her?

Why is your mum giving money to J when your mum & dad are struggling for money? Who is J to you?

J is my cousin
They aren't exactly struggling at the moment but the worry is it continues they will be struggling
J is an alcoholic and my mum now has alcohol dependency
It's a very messed up situation
I don't know what to do for the best and I don't know what to do for the best anymore
Everyone else in the family accepts but I don't, so when I call it out I'm the one in the wrong
I just want to protect my mum & dad. As everyone else accepts it I feel like I've no where to turn

I would speak to your mum & explain she is contributing to slowly killing J with acohol as shes giving her the money to buy acohol. I would also ask J why she is trying to get money out a vulnerable eldery person, how are your family okay with this behaviour?

I've already spoken to my mum and told her she's contributing to J's slow death, but she says she gives her money as J said she doesn't have enough for food, electricity etc.

I've tried explaining that if J didn't drink she would probably have money for food etc. but I think mum feel bad if she doesn't give it.

I have a feeling they do have a problem with it but they are too scared of causing conflict so don't say anything

I also suspect that J has been offering to go the shop for my mum to pick something up got her, mum gives J her bank card and J buys large bottles of vodka and fags using mums card without permission

I would post this in the eldery parents board you will get better advice. But could you apply for POA for your parents? This is financial abuse.
could you go to the shops for your parents instead? Or arrange online delivery? So they no longer need J to go? Could you convince your mum to buy J food instead of giving her actual money?

Id also get your mum to start telling J she needs the receipts of every shop visit and explain shes noticed money go missing and needs to work out where its going.

That's a good idea about buying J food instead of giving money
We have a POA for mum and dad
Perhaps I need to get advice from a solicitor about what we can do legally
I'll do as you've suggested and post in the elderly board advice
Thank you

Yes speak to a solictor if your unsure what you can & cannot do. I would be changing the pin on your mums card so J can no longer use it, and asking your mum (if you can that is) if theres anything she needs picking up every day/every other day so theres no need for J anymore. Good luck.
You can go down the route of police involvement ad J is effectively stealing off your mum too.

This is financial abuse and really unfair. I would consider reporting this situation to Adults services (the bit about using the card to buy personal items) . If your mum is freely giving N money then that’s a bit tricker.

This is the problem I think she is freely giving the money
My relationship with my mum has broken down now, as she is more concerned about Js wellbeing than her immediately family
My daughter and I both spoke to J about taking advantage of my mum, my mum found out and told us to stay out of it
Not sure what else we can do

I’m so sorry to hear this, it sounds a really hard and upsetting situation.

please know that you did the right thing trying to advocate for your mum (and dad, as you say it’s his shared money and he doesn’t have capacity at present). Xx

A previous poster mentioned seeking some legal advice and agree with this, even if it’s just for your mum. It can get tricky when an older adult is spending lots of money in a new/different spending pattern, if there is a chance they or spouse may soon need care . There is the issue of ‘deprivation of assets’ , whereby a person can be viewed as intentionally getting rid of money (by giving it away or drastically changing spending habits by suddenly buying loads of stuff or going on holiday. Anything very out of the ordinary or a change in usual spending ) in the time leading up to needing care and being financially assessed.

in my professional role I’ve known this situation , whereby the adults were assessed as though they still had the money they had very recently spent, and this affected their funding for care. I think it’s called ‘notional’ assets or capital. In my understanding, in this instance the 3rd party may be directed to pay back the money they have been ‘gifted’ if it is thought that the ‘gifting’ was done to intentionally avoid care fee’s. (I don’t work in adults social care, but a related role)

im not sure if this applies to your parents, regarding needing care in the near future, but I’ve known a few families get a nasty shock when this has happened as it’s not really known about. People think that they can get rid of savings rather than them being spent on care fee’s or inheritance tax , but it’s definitely not that straight forward.

None of this may apply to your mum. But things why legal advice would serve her well. She could perhaps get a 30 minute free consultation . Or if she won’t do this, you could go and get the information on her behalf, and perhaps find a way to share it with her?

also…. Ultimately she is an adult and so is J. You aren’t responsible for this situation, and though I’m sore it’s really upsetting to see , you have tried talking to them and they have gone in the huff about it. Don’t let this become your issue to solve , just be there for your mum if she needs you (emotionally… don’t become J’s new cashpoint !!) xxx