My grown child wants to meet me.

[Ain0]

I dont realy know where else to ask this. If this is the wrong place, then please say so and ill take it off.

I have had a child, without going into too much detail, none of it was my choice. Neither carrying the child, nor conceaving.

For that and other reasons, i have been no contact from my larger family and the child. She is raised by my sister.

Now she has contacted me and she wants to meet me. And i realy dont know what to do.

I dont want sympathy, i have made decisions many will likely look down on. And im not sorry for that. I am aware its not her fault, i still have a form of resentment towards her, so in my eyes she is better off with my sister, so am i away from that all.

I guess what i am asking is, what would you do? What does she expect? Is it even the right decision to meet her to beginn with?
My instinct is to not meet, though im not aware if she knows the circumstances and if closure would potentialy help her. Or is she better off not knowing any of it?

How do you know any of the OP's circumstances at the conception of the child. She could have been a child herself at the time with no support for a termination and no way to procure one either. Or many other traumatic reasons for the OP herself.

Judge not, and you shall not be judged.

Your situation is tragic and awful in its own way. However this is a very different situation. Do you think the child might be better off being raised and looked after by rhe family she knows without knowing she is a child conceived by rape and that her mother was forced into having her by the very family now raising her. Perhaps in this case the child is indeed better off not knowing the circumstances in which she was born and given up.

Yes but by age I feel it is different for say an 18-22 year old grown child to a 40 year old grown child . Indeed whatever their age I feel there needs to be sone psychological support for them if they are about to discover the circumstances especially when they discover how the current family let the OP down.

It’s not that different at all. I said ‘similar’ so I didn’t have to give the details, but if you want them..:

You don't have to meet her if you don't want to and don't feel pressured by her either you don't owe her anything

I agree with this. Mumsnet isn't the place to answer this question, you need proper advice and support.

Whish you all the best op. Sometimes there are no quick or easy answers.

She doesn't owe her anything?

This is the first time that I'm actually at a loss for words on here.

Put yourself in your daughter's shoes. She deserves answers. She didn't ask to be born.

In your shoes I would go and meet her, I’d would be honest about what’s bought this situation about
as honestly is always the best policy even if it hurts or is painful
and I’d rather know my history and why
things happened and what happened then second guess everything

perhaps try and go with an open mind if you can as this could be the start of soemthing great hope it goes well

Technicaly yes. But I was 15. My parents were very much against abortion, and they werent gentle about letting me know that.

I am sorry your mother was awful to you and I can't come close to imagining how awful it has been for you. I did not mean to minimise your experience in any way.

But/ the OP does not however need to be forced into meeting the child however. Indeed it seems that she wants to protect the child as well as herself by not having to explain the circumstances surrounding her conception and being. It may well be the case that for all concerned letting sleeping dogs lie is the best option.

Thank God someone has said it I thought I was going mad.

I do agree that getting some professional support before deciding anything may be the starting point.

But the OP’s adult child, if she’s asking to meet her, didn’t grow up thinking her aunt was her mother — or if she did think that, she knows otherwise now. So the sleeping dogs, if they were ever sleeping, are very much awake now.

I knew someone at university who only discovered in her early 20s that the woman she grew up thinking of as her oldest sister was in fact her mother, and she’d been hidden in the family as her actual grandmother’s youngest child.

I’m not trying to force OP into anything. I opened up here to give the perspective from the child POV. I don’t think there is much wrong with that, you don’t have to agree with my opinion but please don’t suggest it’s wrong of me to say

I'm not sure any of us can advise you properly without knowing the circumstances of your child's birth. I mean we can advise you but it may not be the right advice in your circumstances. One thing that struck me though is that you resent your child. If there is anything or anyone innocent in any of this, then that's the child. It sounds like you still have things to process in this area. If you do decide to meet her, I would really try not to let her know that you resent her.

And what about what OP 'deserves'. She sounds utterly traumatised. She was raped by the sound of it, and forced to go through with the pregnancy.
The now adult product of that horrendous abuse can seek closure from her adoptive family. OP needs to focus on herself. She will only be hurt more to meet this woman.

Honestly I suggest counselling before you make a decision.

If she lived in Ireland then no she couldn't back then.
@Ain0 I'm sorry that you are in this situation is their anyone who you are in contact with who could find out what she wants?
If not and you don't feel able to see her now just tell her that meeting is not something that your ready to do just now. Your not saying never just not yet

I'm not sure what you're disagreeing with. The meeting didn't give you closure and made things harder, but you think OP should do it?

FWIW I totally disagree that OP owes her daughter nothing, but if she isn't able to put her hostility aside then I don't think she should do the meeting.

Hang on, I am very concerned about these posts who seem to be thinking it's all just "oh, the dd deserves closure".

There are TWO women here who have clearly had their own struggles - you and your daughter. And frmo the way you write, even with all this trauma, you still want the best for her, even as you struggle with your own feelings and emotions.

How do you know she wants contact? You have not had contact with any of your family since her birth so I'm interested in how she got in touch? Is it at all possible to speak to your sister and ask her about what has been happening? if not, and I totally understand if that's the case, I think you need to balance your own needs with your child's.

In the first instance, I would be inclined to only agree to communicate with her in writing. Depending on how she contacted you and what she asked for, can you respond with something quite short but explaining that it was a very difficult time for you and you still have a lot of issues as a result, including that you have had no contact with the family. Tell her you only ever wanted what was best for her and you hope she's had a good life with her adopted mum. Tell her you're not ready to meet her now. Then, depending on what you feel, ask her if she can tell you about her life or suggest that you talk again in a certain number of months or whatever you feel up to.

Even if she knows she is being brought up by her aunt she may not know that her current family forced OP to have her. OP was raped and had a child at 15. Would you want to find out your apparently loving family did that to someone especially your own mother? And by doing so caused the estrangement? It's a lot to take on and may indeed have more impact on the child than the fact they are the product of child rape. Perhaps OP could write and ask the child what the family have already told them about the circumstances of their both and subsequent adoption?

It think it's horrendous that some people think they don't owe their own children anything. What a bizarre attitude, I hope they don't have kids.

OP you were a child having a child and not given any choice or support. It's a tragic situation and I'm not surprised you're estranged from your family. I understand why you might not want to meet, it sounds like you're still traumatised by it all.

Do you think your family would entertain a letter - it sounds like they are very much still pulling all the strings and everyone has to toe the line. Your dd could write to you and ask the questions she wants to ask and you could reply so at least she has some information. It feels like any meeting might be heavily influenced and affected by them - all the decisions around it would be on their terms - and that might be even more distressing for you.

Is your dd actually an adult now or still just a teen? I think I would avoid saying you were raped (if that was the case) and say you were a very young 15 year old who didn't feel like they had any support and had no idea how to raise a child and that you're still very traumatised by the whole situation now.

I agree with seeing a professional and talking this through before you do anything though. I do think your dd deserves some sort of closure though and to know this isn't about her or her fault in any way. She will have made up so many scenarios in her head I'm sure, no matter what information she has or hasn't been given.

I’m disagreeing with the idea that not meeting her mother is ‘better’ than not being met with hostility and resentment. It’s not got much to do with closure, more knowledge and understanding. The longing you have for an absent mother cannot be truly understood without having had real experience of it.

But what about the daughter who didn’t ask to be born and is now resented by her mother, despite being completely innocent?