My grown child wants to meet me.

[Ain0]

I dont realy know where else to ask this. If this is the wrong place, then please say so and ill take it off.

I have had a child, without going into too much detail, none of it was my choice. Neither carrying the child, nor conceaving.

For that and other reasons, i have been no contact from my larger family and the child. She is raised by my sister.

Now she has contacted me and she wants to meet me. And i realy dont know what to do.

I dont want sympathy, i have made decisions many will likely look down on. And im not sorry for that. I am aware its not her fault, i still have a form of resentment towards her, so in my eyes she is better off with my sister, so am i away from that all.

I guess what i am asking is, what would you do? What does she expect? Is it even the right decision to meet her to beginn with?
My instinct is to not meet, though im not aware if she knows the circumstances and if closure would potentialy help her. Or is she better off not knowing any of it?

If I was in your shoes, i wouldnt meet them. Sometimes things are best left unsaid especially in such delicate situations as this.
she may just want to know why she was left with your sister or she could want to start a relationship with you which Im gathering you dont want - and that could cause you both a lot of hurt.

It’s hard to answer accurately without knowing more of the reasons for you being unable to look after her. However I’ve worked with young people in her situation and I’d say generally having information and answers to her questions is likely to be helpful to her. That said, if you resent her or feel defensive, that will not be easy for her. I think if you choose not to meet, you should write to her and find a way to explain why. Can you speak to your sister and find out what your daughter knows as a starting point? Remember she will carry feelings of being abandoned or rejected by you, and to some degree she is likely to feel this was her fault. Not saying she will definitely feel this, but it’s common for children to grow up thinking ‘if I was better they would have loved me more’ etc, and take far more responsibility for events in their childhoods than they should. So tread carefully with this in mind and try to avoid acting in rejecting ways.

I would meet her if at all possible for you, and see it as an opportunity for giving her information she needs.

But, as I imagine this calls up all kinds of trauma for you, I would access all the support I could possibly muster in advance of that — if you go onto the adoption board on here, there may be people (both birth parents of children who were adopted, and adoptive parents) who can suggest specific sources of support aimed at birth parents who didn’t raise their children.

I think she deserves to hear from you what happened and why.

Meet her and give her the closure she needs. It’s probably affecting her life.

You don’t owe her anything and if it would be too hard to do, then do what is best for you.

I would want to meet her to let her know my reasons. She would either accept them or not, that would be on her.

I would seek professional support.
Perhaps start with a help line like this?
PAC-UK | Adopted Adult Support https://share.google/q4mjiWNaFMwTOaB5R

If you resent her then I think meeting her isn't a good idea.

It'll affect her even worse if she's met with hostility and resentment.

^ this. Especially as op still resents the grown up child.

OP needs to be able to moderate this and explain it. The child didnt ask to be born.

Is she aware of the circumstances of her conception? Are your wider family supportive of you or are they hiding from the situation? Either way, It’s perhaps not something you should get into without support from a professional. And if your family have swept everything under the carpet then you absolutely shouldn’t think about contact. If she is aware of what happened and you felt you could, perhaps you could write her a short letter wishing her well, but explaining that you’re not able to have a relationship with her.

So you must have no relationship with dsis?

I can't ever imagine such a scenario but you must be tempted to have even asked?

Have you had counselling?

Could you write her a letter if you don’t want to meet face to face. Give you time to think about that you might want to say/not say and might give her some information.

It sounds like there was big trauma around her conception and eventual birth. We can only guess at what that might have been.

Is your sister aware fully of everything that happened here? Could she explain as gently as possible to the girl why meeting her would be so difficult for you and why you have not seen her for all of these years? Or maybe she has already tried that and it hasn't satisfied or calmed things for your daughter.

I like to think that I would probably agree to meet her if I were in your shoes, though of course, I am not you and have not been in that position. So I don't know really. You have to do what is right for you.

What is your relationship with your sister like? What about meeting up with her (your sister) on her own first so that you can discuss fully how things are for both you and your daughter and what should happen? Make your decisions from there.

This, have you had no relationship with dsis or anyone else in your family since she dd was born?

I have a cousin conceived and subsequently born in what may be similar circumstances. None of their/my family ever wanted to know. I discovered them when we were both adults by chance. We've not met but we do exchange friendly messages.

Don't let anyone judge you or force you into contact or anything.

Without knowing the child's age I would suggest this may not be the case. Telling the child they are a child conceived of rape/sexual abuse and that their mother was forced into having you by the family raising you isn't going to end well unless they already have some form of psychological support readily available.

I do not know. Id need to gey into contact. And id be suprised if they gave me more than "you want to meet her? Yes/No.". My family isnt/hasnt been supportive. Which is why i cut contact.

Is there anyway you can get a third person to be present? I mean someone that neither of you knows like a counsellor that could help both of you through this potentially traumatic meeting

I disagree. I was in very similar circumstances as the DD and it was only after experiencing my real mother that I learned how truly awful she was. It didn’t give me closure though, just another set of shitty circumstances to process. I grew up almost idolising her, it didn’t matter what I heard about her, as a child I fantasised about having the perfect mum but mine was just ‘busy’ - she loved me and missed me etc. I later learned she absolutely didn’t, but I had to learn that myself. I cut contact with her again many’s years ago after trying to have a relationship.

The poster who says OP owes her child nothing could not be more wrong. It’s absolutely brutal being rejected by a parent, and I do think that runs deeper when it’s your mother. It cuts again when you have your own DC and it continues to hurt as they grow and you realise just how fucking awful she was when you are the opposite with your own babies.

i have complex PTSD which affects me every single day. But yeah, she owed me nothing

@Ain0 you need to do what is best for you. Don't feel pressurised into doing anything especially contacting the family that let you down at the time.

The OP says ‘grown’, so I’m assuming the child is an adult. And while, absolutely, discovering that you were born out of a rape would be a horrendously difficult thing to process, this is someone who grew up raised by an aunt, and who has (presumably) never met either of her parents, so it’s not going to come as a surprise that the circumstances of her birth weren’t ideal. It might be a relief to have the facts, rather than imagining things.

I disagree, you could have had an abortion but chose to be a mother. The very least you can do is meet her and answer her questions. Be honest, that's the key thing.

@teees am so sorry you're going through that. I hope you heal ❤️