Ive been a member on here for a few months now, but not as much of a regular poster as some, so havnt bothered name changing.
I lost my Dad when I was 16 in 2001 to lung cancer, which left just my Mum and I. I had a very close relationship with my Mum, almost like she was my best friend. I decided in 2004 that I wanted to do some travelling, and so I went to Turkey, having quit university here and left my job.
I met my now DH a few weeks after I arrived, and I decided that I wanted to stay out in Turkey on a permanent basis. Mum was fine with this, and DH and I even got engaged that summer (and married 5 months later ).
Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer in November of that year, and so I flew home for when she had her mastectomy. A couple of months later, I returned to Turkey, and Mum flew out several times the following two years to stay with us.
Mum had to be retired from work in late 2006 due to a deterioration in her health, and so DH and I decided to come to UK to look after her, which meant DH selling his business, but there was no way I could have left Mum here to cope alone.
I found out I was expecting in Feb 2007, and we were all delighted. It was almost like it had given Mum that extra push and determination with her fight. DS was due in November, but born 10 weeks premature in August, and spent 6 weeks in SCBU.
They say things happen for a reason- Mum was rushed to hospital in November with severe dehydration and we received a phone call the following morning, that she probably wouldnt make it through the day. Mum being the fighter she was, did make it through, and stayed in hospital a further 3 weeks until she eventually lost her battle with cancer. If DS had been born on time, Mum would have never seen her first and only grandchild.
The night she passed away was without a doubt, the worst night of my life. I couldnt face sitting with her that day in hospital (we had been told that she didnt have long left), and I couldnt bear to see her once she had passed away. I didnt want to see her like that, so frail and weak. That was a decision that has haunted me ever since. I feel like I cant completely grieve for her, because I havnt said a proper goodbye. Her ashes are still at the funeral directors until we take them over to Turkey to be scattered, just as she wanted.
Roll on a few months to this year, and in April I found out I was expecting DC2. DH and I were over the moon, but the past few weeks, Ive been having more and more doubts about just how Im going to cope. I have no family here who I can call on to look after DS and help out a little, and DH's family are in Turkey.
DS had a temp of 38.7 yesterday, and Im trying my best with him, but nothing I do seems to help. NHS have reassured me, and thankfully his temp has come down, but for the past 24 hours, Ive listened to his constant screaming and I almost feel Im failing because nothing I do seems to help. He is 9 months old, and becoming so hard at entertaining. He doesnt stay interested in things for long, and Im running out of ideas myself for him.
I just feel like Ive lost all sense of who I am. I used to be an energetic, outgoing and confident person. I just dont recognise myself anymore. I cant remember the last time I straightened my hair, and I spent most of my time in pyjamas . Its got to the point where I dread going out, because I never have the enthusiasm. Im taking my 4th driving test in two weeks, and I hate the thought of all my effort going to waste if I fail again.
I just want to make something out of my life. Id love to do some training to be a nail technician, and follow my dream of working in aviation, but all courses are so expensive, and along with most people in the country, were on a very tight budget at the moment. I want to be successful and be proud of my achievements, but I just feel stuck in a sodding rut and I think today, Ive reached the very bottom of it.
DH cant do anymore. He works evenings in a restaurant, and so I get up with DS, but he always gives me time to sleep in an afternoon before he goes to work. He cooks, does the shopping and great with DS.
Well done if youve managed to read so far. Im not really sure what I expect people to reply with, but thought it might help getting it off my chest.