Elderly friend with no English and no family

[WinniePrules]

I have an elderly friend whose husband is dying and she is helpless with very limited English. I have asked friends from Citizen Advisory Bureau for advice. Age UK has no offices in our town, so they advised Social Services. The lady is independent in her shopping, cooking, washing and travelling around the town on bus, but that's where her independence stops. She needs help at every step. At the moment, it's Internet connection. It has taken me and another friend a few visits to Citizen Advisory Bureau, phone calls, waiting for an engineer only to find out that it will involve drilling to which she is opposed. Back to square one. And this happens with everything. Different routes are discussed, a few people are involved only to end in nothing.
I have returned home after meeting with the engineer in her home. I told my friend that I am only available for help every now and again but not on a permanent basis. Her British friend mentioned "accommodation with a warden who is responsible for everything " - is it sheltered accommodation? We have this next door, but it costs money, doesn't it?
My friend is opposed to any initiative we have.
I lose my patience. I want to provide help but feel out of my depth. I am aware the situation is typical but it brings no consolation.

Assuming she is the type to help herself, she should get a smart phone with a translation app.

That's what she has got, but the way it works is weird. Some texts come translated, and so ne don't. I advise her to use Google translate or Chat gpt, but she cannot even copy and paste text. I offered to enrol her on an IT course 12 years ago, but she did not agree.

Citizen Advisory Bureau offers her interpretrs but she finds them not good enough and prefers me to translate for her.

So she's been in the UK for at least 12 years and hasn't bothered to learn the language? Sorry, no pity from me.

…only to find out that it will involve drilling to which she is opposed

My friend is opposed to any initiative we have

I offered to enrol her on an IT course 12 years ago, but she did not agree

Citizen Advisory Bureau offers her interpreters but she finds them not good enough and prefers me to translate for her

There are only so many times you can lead the horse to water.

I think you have to push back every time.

She needs help? Clearly explain, this is the help you can offer.

E.g Yes , I hear you prefer me to translate for you. However I am not available. It’s the generous offer of a FREE TRANSLATOR, or Google. Or if she prefers she can hire her own translator

Also can you Try and get her to do part of the task herself , like she goes to x service and gets application forms, (using Google briefly). Then you can help her fill in

This. It sounds like she’s being offered plenty of help, just not exactly what she wants.

Is there a club/faith based organisation for her nationality nearby? (e.g. in the next city to us there's a Polish club, Chinese church sort of thing). Meeting people she can converse with in her own language ought to help a bit?

Re sheltered accommodation, social services should be able to help/direct with that.

A lot longer than that. She is a very educated lady with a degree who finds languages difficult. I have met a lot of people like her who dread language learning.
She came here at my current age, around 50. After a micro stroke I cannot learn new things. I was preparing my child for an 11+ , bought flash cards for him with sophisticated words, and could not remember more than 25 per cent the next day (he could, of course and was wondering why Mummy was struggling). And I have been teaching English as a foreign language for many years. So, I can relate when a person is "blocked".

Can you link her up with other people who speak her language so it doesn't all fall to you?

Here we come to the most difficult bit. There are only two-three people in the UK she wants to talk to. Not keen to socialise as brought up in a very peculiar way. Not keen on seeing people from her country other than her old friends who are not here.

Do you know how many British people are in that position? And why? It's rarely a question of "bothered ".

Just awkward then? Sounds like you've done so much for her already, not really sure what else there is.

It seems that you've done a lot to try to help her already, but she resists your solutions (can't drill the wall, she won't/can't learn English, wouldn't go to an IT help class etc). I'd honestly have to say I couldn't help further. She sounds like more than a full time job and you'll never be able to successfully help her as she won't take solutions.

A lot longer than that [12 years]. She is a very educated lady with a degree who finds languages difficult.

I know foreigners living here who don’t know the grammar, pronunciation is abysmal, don’t have a huge range of words…….but they do it because they have to. They can communicate. If they don’t understand they say so.

And if your friend doesn’t speak anything then she’s in no position to start rejecting ‘not good enough’ translators.

The more you write the more my sympathy evaporates.

There are only two-three people in the UK she wants to talk to

Well what if they don’t want to talk to her?!

She sounds extremely entitled.

I think she needs a reality check. You aren’t her staff (which presumably she had growing up, and is used to).

Yes it is hard, but she is going to have to get with the program.

‘To Every Solution There’s a Problem’, the universal language of the impossible.

Back off.

That’s the hard bit, OP, but she’s making choices it’s no one’s job to fix.

Call SS if you think her DH’s care is at risk
from the not coping. She’ll have to do what they tell her, so you’re fine to walk away.

Just leave her to it, you’ve offered help lots over the years but she doesn’t want it or is awkward about it, as pp said you can lead a horse to water…
she’s been here for years and has a translation app, if she needs to she can get the help she needs and knows she can go to CAB.

Leave her be.. she's causing her own problems and clearly doesn't want to hear any of your solutions. Total waste of energy

🤣

In short there’s nothing more you can do to help her

Let her be her own problem solver. If someone managed to move to a different country at 50 without speaking the language, she’ll be resourceful enough to find solutions once you stop enabling her learnt helplessness.

Three is plus into regular plug . No lines or drilling needed
https://www.three.co.uk/broadband/home-broadband?mc=paidSearch&mp=google&mcn=broadband_hbb_5g_pmax&mct=pmax&mkw=hbb5g&mdt=05Mar24&mlob=hbb5g&s_kwcid=AL!14693!3!!!!x!!!20535300861!&gclsrc=aw.ds&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=20540871779&gclid=CjwKCAjwx8nCBhAwEiwA_z__05hNGu_tqG5TP2Bkj7aJHbl9_jsk5yxM2jjPTe62yR0r4XqhhNBesxoCT24QAvD_BwE

Thank you for your feedback, everyone!
I felt very awkward posting, but feel a bit relieved now. I will definitely have a look at the recommended Three company, have asked my son what he thinks.
Have just spoken to a close friend of many years, she finds herself in a similar position all the time, helping vulnerable people for years. In some cases, people start taking it for granted. And yes, I absolutely love this, " to every solution there is a a problem " 😀
We need to learn to find a balance.
At least I can provide emotional support to my elderly friend. Yesterday I invited her to join a walk with my child who asked me to help him practice rounders, and she started running around the field forgetting her age. What a treat, and my DS was so happy, too.