Struggling with motherhood - Feeling lost with 10 week old

[Sumbot]

I’ve been feeling so overwhelmed lately, and motherhood has been really challenging. My baby is 10 weeks old now, and the past few weeks have been especially tough. He used to be a relatively easy baby who rarely cried, but after six weeks, he changed so much. Now he’s irritable and upset most of the time, and I feel sad and frustrated because nothing I do seems to help.

He’s had tummy issues since birth, and it feels like it’s only getting worse. Seeing other babies makes me realize how much more refluxy and gassy he is compared to them. He isn’t EBF—I’m trying to combi-feed for a bit of relief, but we only really give one bottle of formula at night when my husband is looking after the baby. I also try to express but to be honest it is becoming painful and exhausting. He feeds every two hours (sometimes less), as he’s quite a hungry baby and the constant feeding and pumping are draining. I’ve tried all the usual tactics to help with his tummy - various gas drops, probiotics, massages and bicycle kicks but he’s still quite unsettled.

My GP and HV reassure me that he’ll grow out of his gut issues and that it’s just colic, but it’s hard to believe when I see other babies who seem so much more settled at this stage.

Sleep is another huge struggle. He cries and
whinges a lot when he’s awake and screams when he’s tired but refuses to sleep unless rocked and held. Even at night, he won’t sleep in his cot (never has) and struggles with safe co-sleeping because he doesn’t like being on his back—probably because of his reflux. He squirms and wakes up not long after I put him down, which means I barely sleep. He just wants to be held all the time.
My husband and I are taking shifts with the baby. I usually sleep from 9 pm to 1 am, and then I’m up with him until around 6 am, after which I might catch an hour or two more before my husband starts work. I’m constantly exhausted and I miss the small moments of “us” from our old life—watching a show together, grabbing dinner out or just being in bed at the same time! I wonder if I’ll ever get a bit of normality again,

Social media makes it harder because I see other mums with babies the same age who seem to have it so much easier. They put their babies down during the day, and they sleep for hours at night. They have bedtime routines that work, while nothing I try seems to help. People keep saying my baby is easier than some, but it doesn’t feel that way when he cries so much, refuses to sleep on his own, and fights his naps. I’ve tried slings, carriers, everything, but he just cries when I put him in.
I feel drained—mentally and physically—and I barely recognize myself anymore. I used to be outgoing, but now I’m anxious even to leave the house because I know he’ll wake up crying, and I won’t be able to soothe him. It’s hard to enjoy this stage when I’m just trying to survive it. I feel like I’m already failing my son by not enjoying it.

Will it get better? When? How? I just feel so lost.

Our singles were fine our twins were very similar so fully changed to formula and all the problems stopped because there little tummies were properly full and not filling with gas etc from crying and small breastfeeds

Have you tried tilting the cot slightly? Was a big help for mine. You are in a rough period of it but honestly, it will get better! The passing ships feeling with dh, the exhaustion, the finding feet with it all, it all settles down. A little advice, if I may:
Ignore social media, you are being sold a dream and most other new mums are in the same boat as you with the adjustment.
Try and find a non judgemental mothers group locally to attend, use social media to find one near to you and get yourself out the house to meet others at the same stage.
Talk to your dh and tell him you miss it, no doubt he does too and you both need to stay strong at this time, sounds like you're already working well as a team.
You are not alone! Anyone who tells you it is easy is lying/a unicorn and we've all been through the looooooooong nights of desperation. Be careful with mumsnet as it can be so divisive on topics like breastfeeding etc but take from it the bits that help you.
You're doing a great job keeping lo going, it will pass and before you know it you'll be looking back at this time with your dh and laughing or crying together about how tough it was. Hugs to you x

Oh OP this bit is so hard. I agree with a lot of what @Commonsenseisnotsocommon says - step away from social media, try to find a couple of local baby groups to take him to and you will find other new mums in similar situations. Don't worry about him crying, it's good for both of you to get out and about, everything feels worse when you are stuck at home all day.

His sleep will get better as his tummy settles down. Keep trying to put him to sleep in his cot as it will work one day. Does he have a dummy? My youngest was a very sucky baby and the dummy really helped him settle.

Try not to feel like the rest of your life is going to be like this. It will get better and you and DH will find yourselves again. Hang in there!

Ignore social media. For every mum on there with a perfect sleeping baby, there will be 10 mums not posting on social media who are feeling tired and overwhelmed and have babies who wake frequently and cry a lot.

Yes, the first 6-12 months can be brutal, you’re not doing anything wrong and neither is your baby. You will get through it and start to feel much better (and then you’ll probably do it all again in 2 year time!)

I have a 13 week old who has also been very gassy - we haven’t been able to completely solve it but raising one side of his crib and being militant about winding him and keeping him upright for 10 mins after a feed has definitely helped.

I think you can buy formula for reflux / colicky babies. I wonder whether that would be better for you than breastfeeding? If you continue to breastfeed make sure you’re eating enough calories and getting enough fat in your diet as it will increase the fat content of your milk which will help keep baby full.

Our baby wouldn’t sleep in a crib until we started using a sleeping bag. I’m sure you’ve tried this already but thought I’d suggest it.

But otherwise - you have my sympathy! We’re very lucky to have a baby that settles at night but I still haven’t been able to solve daytime naps and have many days feeling a bit like you describe! Certain things like gaps between feeds and stretches of sleep at night have definitely got easier for us over the last couple of weeks.

You will get back your normality - it is so early and really bloody hard! My LO was also very gassy and tbh still is at 15 months. She had CMPA and the new formula did help the gas a bit and she slept great from 12 weeks until she was weaned and then weaning caused more tummy issues. We also slept in shifts

it is so hard but it gets easier and more manageable the bigger they get. My LO still wakes 2-3-4 times and always due to gas but now I can bring her into my bed easily it isn’t so tiring

come off social media it’s no good and most of it is a load of shit xx

Is there a stretch that he does sleep? Ours had bath, bottle, bed and that was our best stretch. We also put them down very quickly at the very first rubbing of eyes. Overtired was the absolute worst.

The best bath tip was to lie them on a rubber mat in the actual bath in a few cms of water and they would completely relax, and you weren’t worried about dropping them.

To be honest babies are soul destroying in terms of fatigue.

Oh, you poor thing. It does all get so much easier. My first baby was like this, so please (for your sanity!) avoid comparison. I'd avoid social media like the plague personally at a time like this. Ten weeks is still so little so I also wouldn't worry about routine. Are you resting enough during the day? Any chance your baby has a cow's milk protein allergy/intolerance? I ebf both of mine, so I don't know anything about formula but I cut dairy and soya out of my diet for a few months with my second and it helped with her reflux. You sound like you're struggling, but you are NOT failing! Is there any local help available? Health visitor, etc?

Without meaning to sound like a quack, have you considered an osteopath/chiropractor? Some babies have tension and stuff from birth that causes them pain and means they can't settle properly. DD's been going to one since she was about 8 weeks old. It's none of the bone crunching stuff you find on social media, just gentle manipulation of their bodies to find their optimal position. It should look like they're just touching the baby/holding them gently

We took DD because she was developing a flat head. He's done wonders for that and also helped with resetting her diaphragm, and other tightnesses, usually in joints, as she's gone through each development phase. As I said, I don't want to sound like a quack but I've found it has worked wonders for both my kids (DS had an odd shaped head from a prolonged birth)

Totally normal OP, and I agree it’s really tough when you are going through it. My DS2 was very much how you describe, it was totally and utterly exhausting, we tried everything including cranial osteopathic treatment, but unfortunately nothing helped, until he grew out of this phrase, at about 7mths. My late MIL was an absolute angel & helped us so much, as she could see we were struggling (we also had another DS1 who was 21mths) do you have anyone that could help you get some rest, and give you some support in rl OP, please take offers of help, many mums need this in the early days. I hope your nights improve soon, and yes keep in mind this won’t be forever. Good luck.