It's a bit of a weird choice to write this on Mumsnet, but here goes.
I was with my partner for 16 years. We fell in love intensely in our early twenties, moved in together in London within the year and within two years had moved to a city in Scotland where I knew no one, but where his family lived, so that I could study.
After 4 financially stressful years, I got a job in a city down south where neither of us knew anyone. Suddenly I had the income to buy a house and finally feel like my life was getting started at age 27!
We never married and from a young age we'd been averse to the idea of having children. In retrospect, I think that was just our young age. Most of my friends didn't start having kids until their mid-thirties for career and financial reasons (demographic: professional/academic/creative) so I didn't feel much pressure.
Life in the new city was good from the POV of work and the house but boring and often lonely. I missed my friends in London and felt like I was missing out. My salary was much much lower than my London friends, and even though it stretched further outside of the capital, I felt my life had gotten much smaller.
When my friends finally started having kids, it was during the pandemic and I couldn't see them. Still, I began to have doubts about whether I really wanted to be child free. The problem was, the thought of having a kid terrified me and made me feel horribly sad and trapped. When I tried to explain to my partner how I was feeling, he said that if I wanted to have a child, 'I would have to find someone else.' This was in the middle of the coronovirus lockdown. My contraceptive implant was about to run out, so I told him we should use condoms for a while so I could think about it. During this time, he never said anything supportive or encouraging. Eventually, I went to the doctor and had my implant replaced.
For the next two years I repressed the thought of ever having kids and became more vocal about the wonders of being child free. I started travelling frequently and made extensive repairs to the house.
In summer 2023, my Dad had a fall and I began to experience a panic about not having kids. I'm an only child and I was 38 at the time. The problem was I didn't feel like I could talk to my partner. I had an idea. I could go to the doctor, have my implant removed, and see if I became pregnant. Then, if I did, I could tell him it had run out but I'd been too busy to notice. I had recently forgotten to MOT my car so a mistake like that was plausible.
One month after removing the implant, my mother became ill suddenly and 6 weeks later died of cancer. I basically went insane for three months after that and in the fall out, I told my partner what I had done.
I'm obviously ashamed of tricking him in this way, and I know if a man did something equivalent to me I would feel violated. I think it's probably a crime to lie about using contraception.
However, I think I must have been fairly insane to have come up with the idea, and to have repressed the desire for children for so long. In reality, the terrible sense of dread I felt every time I imagined getting pregnant was more a reflection on the state of the relationship with my partner and my feeling trapped in this city and in my current job, which hasn't challenged me for a long time.
I terribly regret not having children and not making my Mum a grandmother. At the same time, I am so very glad I don't have a child with my partner.
I've now sold the house and I'm moving back to London. Because we weren't married and I paid the principle and for the renovations, I am taking all the profits. Its value has doubled in the last ten years. I am also retraining in a much more lucrative profession. I froze my eggs a few months ago and got 12 viable eggs.
Why am I writing this here? I guess my learning points are:
- as a woman it is absolutely essential that you are financially literate and have decent savings so that you have an exit strategy from a relationship. It's sad we didn't get married but now all my assets are 100% mine. Make sure you know your rights and have a 'get the hell out of there' fund.
- I respect everyone's right not to want or to have children. However, in my case I realise these feelings were contextual and determined by the quality of my relationship and my life. In another situation, I know I would have wanted a child.
- even if you're a feminist and a highly independent thinker, it is ridiculously easy to internalise your partners values/ideas/wishes and make yourself believe they are your own. I realise I always wanted to get married and to have kids, but because my partner didn't, I began to believe I didn't either.
- don't isolate yourself from your friends. It was my decision to move both times - first for my study and secondly for my job. My partner never intended to isolate me, but it happened anyway. If I had my girlfriends around me I would have been able to have more frank conversations and maybe realise what I was really thinking sooner.
- parents die and it is awful. You think you are prepared for it, but you aren't.
If you've read this far, thanks for listening. I'm open to any advice / criticisms / thoughts / encouragement / shared experience etc.