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Original poster

Feeling pressured into a party

20 replies

CookieMonster · 03/01/2003 11:03

Can anyone reassure me that I am not being a mean and heartless mother? Nobody has actually said anything to me so this is just me being paranoid but ...
A couple of dd's nursery friends have recently had 2nd birthday parties and she has invites to two more. She will be 2 in February and I don't intend having a party for her as I feel that the only reason for doing it would be because everybody else is and not because dd would understand or appreciate what is going on. I'm not saying that her birthday will go unnoticed ... my family and dh's family will visit and we will have a cake with candles and she will get presents and be generally fussed over a lot.
I will be perfectly happy for her to have a party next year when she is 3 as it will mean much more to her then.
Is it me or are there other mums who don't want to get into the whole party 'thing' yet?

OP posts:

oxocube · 03/01/2003 11:14

Cookiemonster, I couldn't agree with you more. IMO a 2 yr old will not really get much out of a birthday party: I always think its more of an excuse for the mums to socialise than the kids! We always have had family 'birthday teas' for our kids when little and I feel its much nicer and just as special.

emsiewill · 03/01/2003 11:19

I agree wholeheartedly - I didn't have more than a family tea-party for either of my 2 dd's until they were 3. The whole party thing can spiral out of control so easily, IME, that I wasn't keen to start on it so soon.

SimonHoward · 03/01/2003 11:21

Personally I don't get into it at all. DW on the other hand would have one at a mjor attraction every year for DD if she could because she loves to throw birthday parties.

I've been informed that DD will be having some sort of party whether or not I like it.

aloha · 03/01/2003 11:36

I agree. I had one for ds's Ist but that was also a naming ceremony. This year it will definitely be a family party - or perhaps a visit to Curry's, ds's new favourite place on earth, with all those lovely doors to open and buttons to press! He's 15months and Christmas passed him by completely. I suspect his birthday will be similar. Also, I really don't need more plastic in my house!

WideWebWitch · 03/01/2003 11:47

Cookiemonster, I agree too. I did have a big party for ds' 2nd birthday but looking back, what was I on? He didn't know anything about it and it cost loads! There are so many birthdays to come that another time I think I'd avoid having one for as long as possible. I think even for a 3 yo you can get away with a birthday tea for a few friends, which is what I did when he was 3. Resist for as long as possible

janh · 03/01/2003 12:34

I agree too, cookiemonster. We only had a family party for DD1 when she was 2, although she did have a party for friends, mums and baby siblings at 3, because she was at nursery school then and actually wanted a party for her friends (I suspect this happens more with girls than boys.)

DD2, on the other hand, did have a party at 2, but we had a very full social life at that time - all those previously mentioned mums, baby siblings, big sister's friends, etc! - and it was as much a social gathering which was on her birthday as anything else, ie no organised games, and she did enjoy it.

The DSs have not had the same kind of social life and also I have found that the novelty of organising parties wears off after you have done a couple of dozen

bayleaf · 03/01/2003 12:44

I agree whole heartedly with everyone else - dd wil be 2 in 10 days time and she definitely isn't having a party - she wouldn't really understand what it was about - and I'd end up inviting loads of people who don't know each other and it would be really stressful for me ( which I don't need at the moment as you know)- so NO PARTY!
AS a compromise I've invited the couple of people who live in our street with small children to come for an afternoon of playing and some crisps/cake ( for dd just being allowed to eat as much rubbish as she wants will be treat enough!)
She will think this is great as she loves running around in a 'gang' - any more would probably be too much for her to be honest.
Stick to your guns Cookie' - Mumsnet agress whole heartedly with you so stuff the rest!!!

Original poster

CookieMonster · 03/01/2003 13:08

Oh thank you everybody ... it's so good to get some backup when you feel you're on your own with something. I feel much better about the whole thing now

OP posts:

threeangels · 03/01/2003 15:12

My kids are 13 and younger and until this day I have never had any parties with lots of friends for them. This past year we did take her to a pizza/arcade place for kids with one of her friends. So to her this was quite exciting. We have only had parties where we just have family over. My dd will be having a sleepover party for the first time this year with only a friend or two. Sometimes I feel cheap because everyone else seems to be having these big b-day parties. I really hate to fuss so much and it can be real costly with large b-day parties.

I think under 3 is still young and they don't really pay attention with what is going on anyway.

My sister in-law has been throwing parties for her now 11 yr old since turning one. Shes thrown big parties at parks, public pools, even at a resort at the beach. I think like Simon Howards wife she loves to have parties and entertain.

mckenzie · 03/01/2003 20:26

Cookie monster, I read an article in one of the sunday supplements w while back about birthday parties getting out of control, parents competing with each other, the goodie bags costing more than most guests would spend on the present etc etc. The author suggested that if a party is being held, the number of guests should equate to only one more than the childs age. So, for my DS's second birthday party he can invite his 3 friends over and it'll be just like a normal monday afternoon play session. With a glass of wine for us mums perhaps instead of the normal tea and coffee.

jac34 · 04/01/2003 08:58

I agree with not giving a party for a 2yo, I also feel, that you should not feel pushed into it at any age. My ds twins are 4 and have never had a big party, only small ones at home or in nursery.
We usually use the money that would have been spent on a party,for us all to go away for the weekend and visit somewhere for them.In the past we have been on numerous steamtrains all over the country,Follyfarm, Legoland etc. I think they get far more out of it.
Afterall, they are at the usual parties, every other week, why not do something different.

mev · 04/01/2003 12:45

I have always had a party for my son who is 3, the first 2 were family only, but this year he also had one at a pub with an adventure park, he invited 12 friends and totally loved every minute of it. we filmed it and he quite often likes to watch the tape of his party. in my opinion in is totally worth it.

Clarinet60 · 04/01/2003 13:09

I'm a bit of a tart for a party and will throw one at the least provacation, but I still agree with everyone here. You should only have one if you really want to and your child will not notice at two.

Eulalia · 04/01/2003 21:16

I think we tend to get carried away with parties and doing 'the right thing', special notelets, matching party bags and thank you notes 'from' the child. To me that is more for the parents (not that there is anything wrong with that), but most children don't notice half of the things we do for them like this at this young age. We only had a small party at our house with a few children for ds 2nd birthday. His 3rd was a bit more organised at a soft play area which he loved but got a bit overexcited and didn't want to blow his candles out. A family party will be just fine for her I am sure.

Wills · 05/01/2003 15:39

Have to agree with most people's messages. I had a party for my dd when she was 1 and it was incredibly hectic and went straight over her head. For her second I didn't bother. My mother got particularly upset when I even refused to go out for a special meal but at that moment in her life she had just come out of her high chair, (dd that is) refused to sit or eat. Liked screeching at the top of her voice and throwing any food in grabbing distance. I pointed out that dd wouldn't have a particularly good evening if it was spent with her mummy shouting no at her all the time. She's 3 this March and I'm in two minds about it. I love birthday parties and can't wait until she gets to the age where organised games can be done etc but I'm not convinced she's there yet. A soft play party sounds interesting though....

breeze · 05/01/2003 15:44

wills i think you were right not to have a meal on her 2nd, a family member took us out for a mean when DS was just past 2, he didn't set still, wanted to get out his high chair, threw food and screamed the place down, a horrible experience, but this year aged 3 he went to a pub with a childrens agea balls, slide etc, totally enjoyed it, and all the kids (same age) sat down to eat their dinner. good luck

Wills · 05/01/2003 15:47

At the beginning of March I will need to find an indoor place. She started nursery last year and a lot of her friends are there. The problem I have is that if I have a party will any of the other mums bring their kids? That's the problem with nurseries as opposed to toddler groups - I haven't had the opportunity to get to know the other mums - but would like to. Any suggestions?

breeze · 05/01/2003 15:51

my son started play-school in october and his birthday was in november, i wasn't sure what to do, but invited everyone in his class (10), when i handed out the invitation people came up and talked to you, and also at the party which was good, its a good way of getting to know people and making new friends

clary · 06/01/2003 11:21

I agree with general sentiments here, parties at one/two are really for parents (so fine, if you want to). DD was due day before DS's 2nd b/day so it was a very low-key affair! (DD thankfuly waited four more days). But for DS's 3rd, last summer, we had a big (12+ kids) party in our local park (fairly easy) and I do think it was worth it as he still talks about it six months later and will obviously remember it. I think at this age organised games are a bit much, but a soft play or splash party at a local pool is good and fairly inexpensive too.

Jaybee · 06/01/2003 11:49

I think it depends alot on the child - ds had a swimming party for his 2nd birthday which he shared with a little girl from his nursery - as said before this was a good opportunity to get to know a few of the Mums from the nursery, he was always a very outgoing toddler who knew exactly what was going on. Dd, however was a completely different toddler and there was no way that she would have coped with being the centre of attention at a party. We took her to see Barney for a special treat a couple of days after her 2nd Birthday. IMO who cares what others think - and that includes the grandparents - just do what you feel is suitable for your child.

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