11 yr old Daughter, possibly Autistic, won't stop watching You Tube

[SummerLovingMama]

Hi,

I have a bit of background to share.

My daughter is accademically good, but struggles with social interaction in groups, (1-2-1 she is ok). She was badly bullied at school, so in the summer she chose to move to a new school. Happened again, bullied from day one. We believe she is ADHD and possibly autistic and the school thought she was too. I think girls can pick up on differences and they did in both schools.

She refused to go back after Christmas and so we agreed to home school.

Started off well, but now she is angry all the time, and will only watch You Tube or play Roblox.

She has four hours of tuition a week. She loves the tutor and they get on really well. She is flying through these lessons. She won't do any work with either parent anymore.

I know she is in a bad way emotionally form the bullying and I also know that screen time is a sell soothing thing for her.

She is now permanently watching TV, removing herself from more and more things and becoming more isolated. This is ironic as she wants friends, and loves to be around people, but I also understand that she really put herself out there with the new school and so is feeling deflated for her experaicne there. She feels very hopeless. I got her out of the house a few days ago and we had a great time, but she won't then say the next day, 'yesterday was good, let's do that again'. She goes back to the safety of her screen.

Do we just let her watch TV and work it out for herself. Will she get board? How long might this take? If this is a form of self soothing is it unfair to limited it (We won't remove it completely, I think that really is unfair)

Or do we step in and put in boundaries that will make her angry. We used to have firm boundaries but she was doing so much better we loosened these. It used to be no screen time until 4pm. She wont count down the minuets but she accepted it. We lessened it as we felt she could and needed to manage this a little herself.

I am concerned that I have parented her so much as she has always struggled to regular herself, that perhaps I haven't given her the skills to learn regulation. But that now she is refusing any help or interaction. I know she is in a bad way post years of bullying and this is part of to too.

Any advice, own stories of something similar or thoughts would be appreciated.

Screens provide a level of stimulation and instant gratification that is hard to replicate elsewhere. No wonder it becomes the default choice. Personally I would limit it a lot. It isn’t a healthy way to self-regulate.

No I wouldn't allow that, some screen time fine, but not all day every day. I think it's very isolating and likely to end up making things worse/harder for her. I'd keep on with the parenting and restrict it, if she's doing 8 hours plus a day on YouTube I'd try and bring it down to 2 hours twice a day or something . What is she watching and do you have the parental controls on it?

Honestly OP I think you need to put your foot down now. I know it's hard, but it will get harder as she becomes a teenager and I think you'll look back and wish you'd done it when you could.

Can you attend home school groups for social interaction? Find out about the home school community near you.

Please don't let her just watch YouTube 24/7. She won't get bored of it. I think you need some expert help. I have a friend whose child opted out of school and did nothing for 4 years. They have now 'left' school and still do nothing and can't even leave the house. It's very sad. They are autistic too. I hope you are able to get some help.

She’s 11, you determine the boundaries, when she studies and when she has access to tv and internet. Maybe you should reconsider school to give her more routine. Has she been assessed?

shes 11, your letting her down massively by allowing her to be home all day with unlimited screen time and you absolutely don’t let her work it for her self, she is a child and needs parenting.
Are you at least monitoring what she’s doing online?
Is she leaving the house at all? Does she having any other interests/ hobbies? Is she getting any exercise?
if she loves her tutor and is flying through the lessons I would try and up that, has she got work she can do independently when their not there?
if she was my dd to start with I would allow her to watch one film/tv show a day (on the sofa not in her room) and an hour of gaming/ her choice of screen time in the afternoon. Rest of the time she would need to be doing something else.

You need to set firm boundaries, you did it before, you can do it again. She won't be happy, but you have to step up. You need to let her know what she'll be doing instead - out to a museum with you, art, cooking, swimming - you need to ensure she has some stimulation.

I think a youth group could be very helpful - maybe Guides or Scouts? Or an interest she has, swimming club, chess club? Something where she can be with other kids.

You need to engage with her education - she can't just be home schooled for 4 hours a week, perhaps the tutor can set work for her to do with you. Home school groups could provide you with a lot of support and give your daughter the opportinuty to make friends.

I think you can turn this around, but it will take perseverance.

Both my children have autism and ADHD. She needs social connections but in a structured way. My son does jujutsu so he gets to play and interact with other kids in a very controlled way. My DD did dancing and girl guides.

Of course you need to limit it! Screens are addictive. Just put a time limit on her screens and when they turn off, then its off 🤷🏻‍♀️

You are home schooling, so you need to think about what you want for her to do over the course of a year.

reading/maths/arts etc etc, think about what you want to achieve with her, and then think about how. Not just academic, but anything really.

So for example, you'd like her to engage with books, is there a library club, a home school reading group, would she tolerate you reading aloud each morning etc etc.

Look for home school groups - art class? Science group? Minecraft social group? Trampolining? Horse riding? Online English?
Try and get out of the house every day. Somethings are free - library, walks, bike ride. Decide what you can afford to invest in, which classes.
Loads of places have reduced costs for home schoolers.

If she is autistic, then she will be very dependant on her phone to self soothe, but there is no reason why you can't put boundaries in place.
There are lots of ways ot do it, one could be that during your 'school day' she is not allowed her phone.
You could also cash in on her relationship with tech, have her do some things online, interactive apps for vocab, maths etc.

Get her to help plan, give her a wide suggestion of activities and ask what she would like and together plan the week.

she is the child and you are the parent. You decide the boundaries and rules. Even if she thinks they’re unfair you are setting them for her own good.

4 hours of school work/tutoring a week is not enough. Her brain is under stimulated and under used.

Take her out on educational trips. Local museums, libraries, art galleries.

Go on outdoor trips every day. Parks, woods, nature reserves, bike riding. Anything that gets you outside and moving.

you say you feel like you’ve parented her too much but it sounds the opposite. Stop being scared to be a parent rather than a friend and stop letting her spend hours rotting her brain searching crap on YouTube.

Let her have screen time but let her pick a film instead. It’s much better for them to watch a two hour film rather than an hours mindless crap on YouTube.

Get her colouring books, arts and craft activities, simple sewing kits. Anything else that can keep her brain and fingers busy and is something you can sit down and do along side her to casually chat and she will gradually let her guard down and relax and open up about things.

Look into local home schooling groups who meet up weekly so she can do some socialising.

Sounds like she is doing what she wants when she wants and you are enabling this. Limit screen time and she may agree to try other things. Imagine screens weren’t available? What could she be doing ?