How to get DDs ex boyfriend to leave.

[Pumplepolly]

Hoping some wise mumsnetters will be able to help me.

DD is autistic. She met a boy at college who was living on the streets having become estranged from his parents. He became unwell (he has poor physical health) and she apparently paid for a hotel for him from her PIP money for a couple of weeks before moving him in with us. For context, it was the worst of times with her regular suicide attempts, self harm, alcoholism, drug use and going missing. Whilst we didn't really want him in our home our lives were in disarray and already unbearable. In fact what happened is that she stabilised, her mental health improved, a new era of calm and some hope arrived and he became her carer.
After a little under 2 years they have split up. She wants him to go.

We will be forever grateful to him for his effect on DD but he is hard to live with. He can't get or hold down a job. He can't organise himself and has missed his last two UC meetings for which he has twice been sanctioned. Turns out DD has been paying his board.
He lives in filth and our home smells. He won't clear up after them which he really needs to do as DD has sensory issues around dirt though she isn't entirely blameless.
He lies or evades the truth - hard to tell which.
He looked at a few flats but we are not prepared to be a guarantor and he has no job. We would gift him a deposit if necessary.

We care about him and can't have him living on the street again.

There is no chance of a reconciliation with his family. He is a vulnerable young adult and I am beginning to suspect he also has some undiagnosed needs which are preventing him from being able to make good decisions and organise himself.

We need now to have a proper conversation with him and insist that he lets us help him sort stuff out. He's slippery and there is always an excuse or a feasible explanation or promise that something is going to get done.

What I don't know is how on earth he can get housing. We have some time off coming up so we intend to use it to try to get some help with him.

Does anyone know who might be able to advise him? Who we might turn to for help? I seem to go in circles with citizens advice and have not yet managed to talk to anyone but will try again tomorrow.

I have no advice but you’ve been very kind to him. I once had my young adult niece stay with us for a short time and it nearly destroyed me. She was a nightmare. I couldn’t do it again so I very much admire you!

I see Shelter recommended on here a lot to help with housing.

You could go down to the council when open and say you’re making him homeless. You may need to write a letter of eviction for proof.

It’s really not fair on your DD to have an ex there any more than needed. Why on earth did he miss a UC appt! It sounds like until he has to fight for this stuff himself he simply isn’t bothering.

How old was he when he was found homeless by your DD? I'd be concerned that the reliance on you is preventing him accessing other services.

It's really good that you want to get him help.

First question - does he use alcohol or have drug issues? A lot of services won't help if there are alcohol and drug issues so if that is prevalent I'd be looking for a local drug and alcohol support service to link him with.

Second does he have a GP and see them? Could he get an appointment for a general check up and also look at any mental health or other referrals that need to be made.

It sounds like he will need some kind of a housing support worker as he isn't very independent to help with getting used to independent living, employment. Agree that Shelter can probably point you to local services , maybe YMCA .

In terms of work - Princes Trust do work with disengaged young people , worth a look.

There is also the Access to Work programme but think it's the kind of thing he would need help to access. They can help with getting in and staying in work.

In short, there is support out there , but it won't be fixed immediately.

I think the main kind thing you can do is get him linked in with services so that he is comfortable and confident accessing them.

I would be inclined to call adult social care and get a needs assessment done.
If he is vulnerable and has needs a supported accommodation may be suitable.
If he has alcohol/drug issues there are supported accommodation with trained support workers. (Use to be called halfway houses or dry houses)

I would definitely be passing the baton to get his struggles identified and the ball rolling..in your house that won't happen, the council have a duty of care but not whilst your inadvertently taking responsibility.

This guy needs some type of supported living

Its a postcode lottery but start out by contacting your local homeless team at the council and they will advise what is available locally

Is he diagnosed? He definitely sounds like he is also ND in some way.

I don't know the answer to this - someone from housing might chip in - I would think being a diagnosed vulnerable adult would dramatically increase his chances of securing housing.

Could you afford to support him financially in having a private assessment for Autism and ADHD?

This is not your problem. You have been incredibly kind. The reality is, he is not getting housed anytime soon without proof he's in higher need than others.

Take him to the council offices where the housing team are - call them a day or two beforehand as well. Hand them a letter which outlines that he is no longer welcome on your home and he is immediately homeless. Include his vulnerabilities in your letter. Walk away.

As nice as it is to help people, you are too deep into this and he is not your responsibility.

Thank you. Those are very kind replies and helpful too. Definitely got somewhere to start now.

Yes to drug issues. He was 18 when he came here. I have no idea why he missed the appointments but it is the same with interviews and jobs.

DD agrees that she needs to stop baling him out as there is no incentive to help himself but I am starting to think that he isn't actually capable.

We have been gently circling around the idea for DD to let us step in and help her sort it out - direct approaches result in shutdown so it's good that she has now agreed that it's time for help.

I'm am uncertain that he will agree to coming to appointments with us but we need to make it clear he is out of options I guess. He's had a horrible life - it's hard.

Can rarely get him to the doctor though he is at our practice. He was referred to the hospital. He went once but I guess not to the next appointment for additional tests as I never heard about it again.

I really feel for you as my brother was homeless around age 19.

I do think, after a lot of life experience, you've got to do the firm but caring approach e.g. door is open for coffee, chat, advice.

By all means show where and how to access things, or how to do basic life skills things, but do less than your heart is telling you.

I'm not sure if that advice means I've become less compassionate or more wise as I've aged.

On the dilemma of whether you make him homeless - you're not, he already was homeless, his relationship broke down and now he's homeless again. Are there any other relatives or siblings?

I'd only offer financial support if you're confident it won't be entirely pissed down the drain and will make some long term positive difference. That was always my backstop position with my brother.

Yes I think there is probably some ND. He was apparently assessed as a child and found not to be but since it is so hard to be assessed that just tells me there were signs during childhood. I don't trust the process. We couldn't afford a private assessment.

He simply wouldn't agree to any social care support or any insinuation he has needs. He lives in a fantasy land where he is going to get a great job, buy a lovely home, drive a fancy car. He really seems to believe it.

That is a good message to your DD - she can't help him as she's not professionally trained in this area, and has got her own vulnerabilities. Not saying 2 people can't support each other, but when it's high needs then outside help us needed. She's tried and done her best and been kind etc.

As he is 18 and already has drug issues....I am wondering if there were elements of criminal Exploitation when he was legally a child.

Dealers take advantage of vulnerable young people, get them hooked, and at the worst end they get them to run (I.e. sell) drugs for them. Becomes hard for the young person to recognise who is a friend and who is taking advantage.

If your local services are good they might send someone to your house to see him

There’s various options in various parts of the country - hopefully you will be near somewhere with good provision

This sounds incredibly difficult for you all. Almshouses can offer an alternative to people who aren't high on the housing list (often single men) but are in need. Something else to look into if there's some in your area.

Someone in my wider social circle used them in similar circumstances (he was an older adult with a history of addiction, mental health difficulties and no job who became homeless after a relationship breakdown). It gave him a stepping stone /safety net while he got things sorted and is now doing ok and living somewhere else- if it's helpful for you to hear examples of things working out.

Wishing the best for you all